I try
Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 11:18 AM - General
Every time I get money we go into hyper spending mode. She's telling me that we should use what's left of my bonus to pay off the furniture row bill, but now we don't have enough of it left to even do that. How am I ever supposed to get us out of debt when I can't keep any amount of money in our account for more than a week? I've got to get the heat in my car fixed, that is something I simply cannot put off anymore. Outside of that, I think I'm going to take what's left of my bonus out so we'll be reminded that we need to conserve.
I realize that it's been a while since we had some money, but I would much rather have money all the time than wait around till we get money then blow it all on nothing. I fully intend to put our entire tax return toward a credit card or some other bill so we can at least reduce one of our monthly payments. I need to get back on track here.
I'm getting ready to discuss an issue with Laymon about some recent events at work that I feel were mishandled. I don't know why I keep pressing the issue, but it just bothers me how I'm being expected to be a manager when nobody considers me to be one. I'm not going to say that Tom is out of control, but he is definitely strong willed and has developed this attitude of arguing over everything he doesn't agree with. I try my best to be considerate and fair when addressing these issues, but then I have Laymon overriding my decisions and telling me I'm being to hard on Tom.
If I slack off on my responsibilities to manage the department, I have to deal with it. If Tom decides he's just not going to do something because he doesn't agree with it, I have to deal with it. If Tom makes any kind of mistake whatsoever, I have to deal with it. I'm being forced into a situation where I have to act like a real manager, which is something I really don't want to do. I completely relate to Tom regarding his opinions, but at the same time I have to tow the company line. It's just frustrating to me when I do what I'm expected and then Laymon comes over the top of me and makes me seem like a jerk when he undoes the order I'm trying to establish.
I don't know.
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( 3.1 / 39 )Self-Therapy
Thursday, December 3, 2009, 11:58 AM - General
I fucking hate my job. I have no one to talk to about it either. Tom constantly plays devil's advocate when I bring up things that I think are bullshit with the company and that really gets on my nerves. He has only been with the company for a year and even then he hasn't been in my shoes. Yet, he still thinks he can speak intelligently about things he clearly knows nothing about. He has the luxury of being able to do this because he hasn't gone through the experiences I have.
I'm supposed to be his boss, but he has no respect for me and doesn't follow instructions anymore. He's like Blake in that he just does what he thinks is right, takes advice when he wants it and ignores any suggestions he doesn't agree with. I fucked this up myself by befriending him and now it's difficult for me to go back to being his boss. I have to give him a performance review pretty soon and I really can't say what I want to say because I feel pressure from all sides to make things as easy as possible for Tom.
So I'm pretty much in a situation where I have to shoulder the responsibility of Laymon, Tom Allen, Tom Snyder and any fuckhead in this community that agrees to tape local events for us. I haven't even started work on the Laymon show yet. That very well may be the straw that breaks the camel's back in respect with my staying with Cass. I've suffered so much of Laymon's foolishness that I simply cannot take part in this project without completely losing it.
Work isn't the only thing bothering me. I've decided to quit drinking altogether in the hopes that I will be able to straighten my life out and hopefully make a change for the better. I've got a year and a half to accomplish this because I want to be in a better head space when I leave Cass as I know I will not get anywhere on my own feeling the way I do now. I need to get in shape, be more active and out-going and definitely curb my self-destructive habits. I don't really have a choice in this matter if I hope to move on with my life. I really need to put the demons of my past behind me. It's just hard to do when you have to do it all by yourself.
Sometimes all I need to do is post my thoughts here and I start feeling better. I guess that's why I have kept this thing going for so long. It gives me a chance to work through tough situations without endangering my relationships and/or career. Still, this is a public journal so it's not like I'm doing my best to hide my true feelings or my future agendas. Perhaps I should consider making all of this private? I don't know. It's never hurt me in the past so I shouldn't start thinking it's going to hurt me now.
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( 3 / 45 )Happy Thanksgiving
Friday, November 27, 2009, 12:17 AM - General
Thanksgiving. I'm at home with a 12-pack of Keystone Light in me. Sariah is watching Ocean's 12 and I'm editing together a 5-minute video for Brandt. That's right! I packed up my entire workstation and brought it to my house. I knew I was going to have to spend a bunch of time on this project and didn't want to do it at the office. I fucked up though because I didn't get everything on the first trip so I had to go back a second time before I could actually get started on the project.
I have to say, I really enjoy having the Mac at home. It's a pleasure working on things in the comfort of my home. Realizing this for the first time, it's difficult for me to imagine continuing on at Cass for the next year and a half. I'm practically halfway finished with this Brandt video and I've only got 6 hours invested into it. Were I at work, I would be a third of the way to where I am now and it would have taken me two or three days.
I'm seriously considering moving forward on something I have been considering for a great deal of time now. 80% of me is sure it won't work, but I can't ignore the 20% that is slowly, but surely winning over more percentage points as the years go by. I want to propose the idea of shutting down the production department (since it's not really real anyway) and become a freelance contractor for Cass. I've always said I could handle working for Laymon if I didn't have to see him every day, but things have kind of changed in the past few years.
Ever since Tim left and I've had to work with Blake and Tom, I've noticed that my threshold for tolerance has diminished. I spent a good number of years building that fucker up and every time I get somebody new in there with me it seems I have to relive the first few years of my life at Cass all over again, vicariously. This sucks for me because before my awakening I was far more combative and willing to challenge the system in what I thought would result in an overall better working environment. After learning that the irrationality wasn't just Laymon, but the entire company as a whole, I let go of a lot of my rebelliousness and just accepted the nature of the company.
I'd have to say that my most peaceful period with the company was when Blake quit and we were between people. I was handling all the work, but I didn't have to listen to someone bitch about the situation they were in non-stop. If Tim is reading this, I seriously apologize for my actions when you worked at Cass. I realize now having suffered both Blake and now Tom, exactly what I was putting you through. I guess I shouldn't say 'exactly' as I'm smarter than both those guys put together.
Having worked now with Tom on one of his "Downstate Productions" projects, I can tell you for certain that I am not impressed. The thing that gets me about Tom is that he's got a good head on his shoulders about some things. However, this is subtly becoming overshadowed by his massive deficiencies. The number one lacking quality of Tom is that he HAS to be a part of Downstate Productions. He HAS to involve his friends in everything, even though they're all fucktards (and I can truly say that now having worked on a project with them for reals!)
Tom is a great guy and I like talking to him a lot. I think the friendship we've built over the past year is worthwhile and I really don't want to fuck that up, but on the other hand, I really don't want to work with him professionally. I recently watched an interview with Kevin Smith that I found quite informative. He stated that he's worked in the past with many DP's that became frustrated with him over his lack of cinematic knowledge. I had known for the longest time that this was the case with Kevin Smith, but to hear him admit it was nice. However, I know from the perspective of a DP role, no sort of hindsight realization ever rectifies the torture that the DP endured on the job.
I'm just going to flat-out say it. This music video sucks! It's a stupid concept that jumps all over the place and was specifically designed to feature all of Tom's friends. I've had it out with him many times over regarding this video and much of the blocking came from development sessions we had together. Camera tests proved to be both helpful and harmful as Tom would rewrite his own script based on things he liked during test shooting. The fucking test shooting was to determine the lighting schemes and blocking for shoot day. Still, that's the way Tom works. He's not an artist. He can't see beyond his next move.
I've brought this topic up to him before, but he gives me the same blank stares I get from most people when confronted about it. I don't want to sound egotistical or anything, but it's always been easy for me to visualize the end result without actually seeing it for myself. Whether it be building something, painting a room or working on a video it's always the same situation for me. I know what I want and I know what has to be done to get myself to where that is. I have an extremely difficult time with people who can't meet this challenge especially when they are the catylists of the proposed project.
Can you mold a non-artist into an artist? That is a question I should already have an answer for, but don't. I would like to think that with the right amount of patience and time anyone could become an artist, but it's just not so. This again takes me back to the recent interview with Kevin Smith in which he fully recognizes that he is not an artist. I knew that for years as I'm sure he did as well, but still people consider his work to be monumental. What has been revealed with the existence of Kevin Smith is that generally people don't concern themselves with the visual approach of a film, but rather the character interaction. Despite my love for the art of good cinema, I also acknowledge this nugget of wisdom as truth and cannot shake it from my conscious thought.
Do I want to be a successful filmmaker or do I want to create art? Let me take that back. I don't want to create self-indulgent crap then hide behind the guise of art like so many pretentious assholes do. I want to honor the masters by carrying on the pursuit of truly visceral cinema without completely ripping them off. It's difficult as many of the greatest cinematic techniques have already been discovered and exploited long before I was born. Still, I'm not hung up on this fact. If I ever hope to move forward I can't become obsessed with defining myself as an original because I will spend more time researching than creating.
I guess it's neither here nor there really. It's not like I'm out there creating all the time. I take that back; I am creating, just not for myself. I expend most of my creativity on Cass projects instead of my own. However, I find it peculiar that I teach myself new things all the time without instruction that help me achieve the looks I search for. I can't deny that things shot on video will always look like things shot on video, but I work with what I have to get the job done.
Speaking of the job, this music video is going to either inspire me or kill me. I've worked with Tom before on Salt Creek County and Dream Season and I know very well his tendency to appease above all else. I would like to think that with this project he will show some balls and do what he wants, but he's convinced that the Galassi's influence is some sort of doorway to success, meaning he allows them to influence his creativity. I hate the fact that he is so weak when I know he can be much more than he allows himself to be. He clings too tightly to the comfortable rather than challenging himself to become something new - something better.
He want's me to leave Cass so we can start our own thing together. I can't do this. At this point everything he does is part of Downstate Productions. I can't be a part of that. Beyond that, I don't think I can continue to put myself into situation where I answer to him. Right now, I'm battling the feeling that he's using my experience and knowledge to boost his own ability. I resolve this in the sense that he is only seeking approval from those in his close circle of friends. I remain hopeful that intelligent people can recognize my efforts and know that those I work with are not the true architects of the design their projects become.
I know I sound like an asshole right now, but I don't care. I'm fucking 33 years old and I'm still living in central Illinois. I've acquired responsibility throughout the years and have always had a modicum of patience, but all things wear thin over time. My time is approaching. I have to do something of what is the point of continuing on? I'm no the kind of person who can simply accept that the life I have now is the life I'm going to have when I'm 60. Most of my friends are either content with where they are or do enough drugs and drink enough beer to anesthetize themselves so they don't have to think about it. I do more than my fair share of drinking, but I can never kill off the realization that I'm not living up to my true potential.
I envy my friends in that respect. I can't settle. I won't settle. I must move forward. I think that some of my friends would take offense to me saying that they are just settling for what they've got at the time, but a lot of my friends don't read this journal anymore. Even if they did, they would probably excuse their behavior in some quaint way that can't be argued. Frankly, it's not my job in this world to point out the flaws or shortcomings of others. I tried before, but I ended up with only grief and less friends than when I started. I could say that I speak from my heart and that what I say is said only because I care enough to address these things, but at the end of it all it only amounts to the words you say, not so much the intention.
I've always been a firm believer in teamwork. It just sucks when you're involved in a "team" that doesn't share your convictions. Again, I'm sure the argument could be raised that I wasn't fully engaged in mutual endeavors I've been a part of in the past. However, I can say with no doubt or shame that I gave to my fullest extent what I wanted to give to those projects. I don't blame anyone else for causing a shift in my personal feelings regarding said projects as I realize it is a collaborative effort on all parts.....meaning when it fails, it's not just one person who caused it to go wrong.
A few weeks ago I posted my feelings on the FCF situation. I didn't want to be expelled from the band, but I didn't want to continue on the way things were going. Seeing how things have gone since my exodus, I really can't say that I've missed out on anything. I've never been able to rekindle my closeness with Sean, or any other member of FCF. I always feel as though Sean harbors animosity toward me and even though he always says he would say how he feels, he always seems to be reserved in my presence. Occasionally he's let his emotions spill out a bit, but quickly checked himself.
There was a time when that really would have bothered me. Now my bother comes from the fact that I don't care anymore. I've been alone for a long time and spending a lot of time coming to grips with my own life. My friends used to be my all and I would give up everything else before I would give up my friends. After a while I couldn't shake the feeling that I had a lot more to offer than my friends did and that I was more or less being used for my abilities rather than being appreciated as a person. With no words spoken and no checks and balances involved, my paranoia continued. I eventually developed an isolated perspective of my friendship with others and most of my current feelings about my friends has a lot to do with that perspective.
Relationships are not one-way streets. Those who treat them that way are spoiled assholes. That goes for everyone, including me. Still, give me as much as I give to you and I'll be with you forever. Do nothing but take from me and I'll leave you to your own devices. I stand by my convictions. They are my pillars. Who needs theology when you have stubborn pride?
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