Coffee Talk is a nightmare. I'm glad I'm not the one overseeing it because I would be pulling my hair out by now. With the way things are being handled now with regards to H2, I still can't believe I'm afraid to go out on my own. Seriously! Tom (Snyder) finally got the Coffee Talk cut together into a 30 minute show consisting of three 8 minute segments allowing for two 3 minute commercial breaks. Now, Tom (Allen) wants Tom (Snyder) to chop the show back up into five to seven independent shows. I really wish Tom (Allen) would stop playing with our department and do some real work for the company. It's to the point now that even Laymon agrees with me!

I really can't speak enough about how much happier I would be if H2 just went away. As always, it's not the idea I dislike because I do like the idea of having an opportunity to develop our own shows. What I can't stand is Tom (Allen) trying to sit on our heads and tell us exactly how to do everything. It's like knowing you can produce something really great if given the opportunity, but being told constantly by your boss that he doesn't care about the quality, he just wants it done his way. It's a ridiculous whim and I know the only reason he's getting away with it is because the Gill's don't know all the details surrounding it.

Whether or not H2 is successful is not my problem; so why do I allow it to affect me so much? It's because no matter what I think about H2, I am forced to be involved in it. I may not know everything, but I know enough to know how to prepare a show before I begin taping it. For Coffee Talk, I just sat to the side and watched everyone else knock heads over it. The product is now in the hands of those same knuckleheads and they are reviewing what Tom (Snyder) has put together. I'm sure they're going to make him re-cut it.

The funny thing about this is that I suggested that we interview someone from Cass first so if we couldn't air the show due to it not being quite what we wanted, we wouldn't be doing anyone a disservice. That ideas was dismissed by Tom Allen. Had he listened to my advice, we could have used the first episode as a practice run so Tom could evaluate what he liked and didn't like, give us his notes, then we could try again. What we've done now is create a show that has to be aired so we don't lose face with the guy we invited to be on the show.

It's this kind of idiocy that pisses me off. Opportunities to do things right formally dismissed by my superiors because they didn't think it up. Childish bullshit that I'm forced to endure every single day. To say I'm fed up with it is an understatement, but what can I do?

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 2.9 / 31 )

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I'm in a better mood today. Actually, I started feeling a lot better after I posted my last, long-winded rant. I don't know why this journal is so therapeutic for me, but I can't deny the affect it has on my emotional state. I feel better because it's my opportunity to talk about things that are troubling me rather than dwelling on them. The only sad part about it is that I'm essentially talking to myself. I'll try not to dwell on that thought.

It's 1PM on Friday and I'm really bored. I think I might leave pretty soon. I just don't feel like sitting here and doing nothing. I really need something to do.

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I'm done for today. Tomorrow is a new day and one I intend to start by giving up. When asked for my opinion, I'm going to reciprocate the opinions shared by everyone else. When I receive a script, an H2 video or a request to do anything for anyone, I'm no longer going to resist or assert my influence into the situation.

This rant stems from Erynn calling our meeting today when I explained to her that the audio during a game we received from Havana was not acceptable. Erynn asked me to provide her with the file so she could watch it only hours before our meeting was scheduled. Sure enough, during the meeting she challenged my assessment of the audio quality after listening to only a few minutes of it.

I'm absolutely fucking tired of the childish games these people play. I'm being straight with these people and always have been. I never tell Laymon or anyone for that matter that we can't do something when I know we can. Why would I chance getting caught lying about something and risking the trust (albeit very little) I've gained with Laymon and Tom? Still they treat me as though I'm withholding information from them. Seriously! Who's paranoid here?

I don't make any money. We live on what Sariah makes and that's it. Every time I try to branch out in the efforts to bring in some side money with video work it either falls through or Laymon finds out about it and fucks it all up. My lifestyle, if you can even call it that, hinges on an 11-year old car that's been in two wrecks and has severe issues with the driver side front wheel, yet I can't even afford to fix anything on it. I'm in this house day after day after day. I once said I didn't want to have children out of a fear of being tied down. What's the fucking difference?

My only hope stems from the belief that in 2 years I'll have my bills paid off. I used to say 1 year, but that was based on bad information. Still, 2 more years of this? The pressure is sometimes too much to bear. I just had to look up the word "bear" in the dictionary to determine if I was spelling it correctly when used as a verb. That's just sad. I get so frustrated over things like today because it's difficult for me to tolerate what I consider to be rude behavior. When I go to a doctor, I don't second guess their diagnosis or seek out a second opinion. I trust doctors to know what they are doing. Sure people make mistakes, but you'll find more mistakes being made by dumbasses who think they know what they are talking about than by people who really know.

I don't have a competitive spirit so when someone challenges my authority on something, I don't unleash my encyclopedic knowledge of the topic on them, I just get frustrated and move on. Why do people love to play devil's advocate? I find that to be a very sick infatuation that some people have. It's not that they can't accept something someone else says as fact; it's that they derive some pleasure in picking away at every available opening they can find, regardless of the end result. The ends for them are in the means. Still, these people are considered well-adjusted, well-balanced members of society. How can anyone consider a person who coyly agitates another person for their own pleasure, well-balanced?

I hope the people who read this find some humor in it or through morbid curiosity find my rambling somewhat interesting. I don't even concern myself with the fact that I jump wildly and sporadically from topic to topic without realizing it. Half the time I don't even remember what I started typing about. It's only getting worse over time. I imagine it has something to do with my drinking, but that's no reason to stop. I'm a hypocrite and always will be. I may complain about not being able to afford anything, but there's always money for my medicine.

Another example of my hypocrisy is my relationship with Tom Snyder. I complain about how people, even after several years of knowing me still don't understand me well enough to know simple things about my personality and behavior. I say all of this and at the same time conduct little experiments with Tom as a test of our relationship. I want to determine what level our relationship is at and I don't believe he is capable of telling me the truth. So....I've stopped talking to him. It's not that I've stopped all communication with him like I'm pissed at him or something; I just treat him the same as I treat most strangers. I want to see if he's engaged and if he actually values our relationship as a friend would, or if he merely tolerates me as a co-worker. Sure we've worked on projects outside of work and I've hung out with him a few times, but that's not really any definitive proof that he and I are friends.

He invites me to shows and parties all the time, but a part of me feels that he would invite anyone he worked with no matter who they are simply out of kindness. I say that, but notice he hasn't invited Laymon to any of this personal get-togethers. A part of me feels that he doesn't invite Laymon because he truly doesn't want him to show up. Another part of me feels as though the only reason he's not invited is because Tom feels that a party at his house or an invite to watch his friends band is something that Laymon wouldn't be interested in.

If you're a close friend of mine, then you've probably experienced these "tests" in the past. I can't explain why I do this. All I know is that given enough time, I start to feel awkward around people. I feel like I'm giving away too much information about myself like I'm some kind of fucking spy or something. The funny thing is that I can type about this stuff all day long and know other people can read it and not care, but if I were to discuss this with them face to face, I would feel inadequate and retreat to more comfortable surroundings. I don't think I've lost any real friends, I just think our worlds are too far apart at the moment for us to stay as connected as we once were.

Chad's birthday thing was this past weekend. I didn't go even though I wanted to. Same old story; I can't trust myself. I could have at least called him to wish him a happy birthday, but I didn't. I could call him right now, but I won't. It's not that he's not my friend anymore or that I have a problem with him....I don't have a reason why. It's strange to just say it like that. I guess I just don't have anything to say. I need to travel the country. At least that way I'd have something to talk to my friends about. "Hey guys! I actually did something other than sit at home and drink!!" That takes money and time, neither of which I truly have at the moment.


..and yes, I am done for the day.

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3.1 / 30 )

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So much for going to trade shows. I should have known it was too good to be true. Today Tom told me that he thought it would be a good idea if Laymon went with me to NAB. The whole reason I never asked about going to trade shows or conventions in the past was to avoid having to go with Laymon.

I find it to be a little more than convenient that Tom brought this up now. I've been talking to him about this for the past month or so and he chooses to wait till now to make make this declaration. I'm pretty sure he thought I had already booked everything by now and he would be sneaking Laymon in after it's too late for me to change plans. Laymon didn't know anything about NAB or that I was going and only today do I get ambushed with this bullshit.

So I'm not going and moreover I'm never attending a conference or tech show while employed by Cass. I'm not trusted and anymore I'm starting to get the impression I'm not wanted. This year is going to suck!

[ 5 comments ] ( 17 views )   |  permalink  |   ( 2.9 / 24 )

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I had a dream last night that I was fired from Cass because I was looking for other jobs and they found out by reading my emails. Their justification was that since it was a company email system that they had the right to view my emails. When I woke up I felt really strange; almost in a panic. It's an odd feeling that I've never really felt before.

I'm once again trying to get H2 on track. The past 3 games we've tried to air have been audio nightmares so today Erynn and I are getting together with Tom and Laymon to discuss solutions to this problem. My guess is that Tom is going to shoot down my proposal based on the fact that there will be an additional cost involved. If they agree to it, at least I won't have to worry about fixing audio issues any longer. When you operate on the cheap, you have to expect this kind of stuff.

Paul Reynolds emailed me this morning about doing more work for them. I don't know whether or not to reply or just forget that I got it. I've already done so much work for them without pay that it's not even funny. If they are planning on improving their production value, then I'm all for that and would gladly assist them. The problem is that they've been feeding me that line for the past 2 years now. It's like every time they want me to burn something to DVD for them, they'll bring up the possibility of having me put together something for them. After they get what they want from me, I don't hear back from them until after the next event and they're once again in need of DVDs.

I don't want to burn any bridges or pass up any future opportunities, but at the same time I don't want to keep getting my hopes up. I realize that is really my fault, but how do they expect me to react when they keep dangling the possibility in my face? I guess I'll just shoot him a price for doing the DVDs and let that be that. I'll always be around if they want to get serious I suppose.

I've got the new Anderson Automotive commercial to finish today. I also need to write 4 new scripts for Dennis Yokely, attend that meeting, finish revising a document I've been working on and go to Springfield to pick up a program. I wonder if I'll be able to get it all done or not? Tomorrow I'm going with Erynn to Havana to meet with some school. I'm not happy about it, but it seems I'm going to be revisiting a lot of schools that Laymon and I have already been to now that Erynn is heading up H2. I'll give her credit in the sense that she wants there to be order just the same as I do. The only difference is I know how to achieve it and she doesn't .

Year after year I go above and beyond to prove my worth to the company and every year I receive nothing more than a pat on the head. Sure I got a raise and a promotion a little while ago, but like I've said before, I'm really only got what should have been their all along. Nobody takes what we do seriously.

[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3.1 / 27 )

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I'm getting really tired of games that are so short you can complete them in a matter of days (a week at the latest). Kids today must have heads filled with rocks. The worst part is that they blindly defend games that are flawed simply because it's new and they're in the middle of playing it. I've never understood people's obsession with projecting their ego onto their possessions. Tireless ranting over which product is better, even though they both perform the same tasks equally as well. Ford versus Chevy, Coke versus Pepsi, PC versus Mac, Xbox versus Playstation, etc. These rivalries keep people from thinking independently and maybe that's the point. Perhaps human nature is to seek out others who think the same way you do. However, if that is the nature of humans, then why do we progress?

Progress is achieved by challenging the norm, but mindless debate over which product of equal traits is better than the other is foolish. That's not even the real problem. The problem is that the people who engage in these arguments are clueless to the fact that they are arguing over nothing. If I were to say a car is better than a horse, I would have an actual, relevant argument. While they are both modes of transportation, they differ enough to where you can plainly point out the pro's and con's of each. If I were to say a Toyota Celica is better than a Honda Accord, I would be pitting two equally capable automobiles against one another in which the only real differences between them are matters of personal taste.

I guess that's what it's really all about; personal taste. Still, it's the fact that these people won't acknowledge this fact that pisses me off. Anyone who can clearly acknowledge that a debate over which product of equal design is a matter of personal taste should know that there is no point in debating personal taste. Personal taste is an opinion and there are no wrong opinions, only unpopular ones. It sucks that we have to reduce everything to a popularity contest, but I guess that's just human nature.

I picked up a six pack of some new New Belgium IPA and a new Leinenkugel dark lager. Should be interesting.

[ 2 comments ] ( 12 views )   |  permalink  |   ( 2.9 / 16 )

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So I guess Payne is moving in with Summer after all. Summer is concerned that I might be mad at Payne. I'm not mad at him. Disappointed maybe, but not mad. I expect Payne to find ways to fulfill his desire and this is one of those ways. He's been wanting to move back to St. Louis for a long time now and this will be his opportunity to do just that. He'll get to see his daughter again and I'll be able to visit him again. It's not like it's a terrible thing by any means, it's just not the smartest plan in the world.

What sucks is that I'm missing out on documentary gold here. Here the outcome I was hoping would naturally occur is happening and I don't have cameras on either party. This sucks! I really need to get a camera to Payne as soon as possible. I was planning on giving a camera to Summer when she comes up this weekend so she could begin the process. I might still do that, but what about Payne? I really need to mail him one so he can start too. This might be out of my reach. Who knows. I would be a fool to not give it a shot at least.

Mass Effect 2 came out today. I'm going to go to Springfield and pick up a copy over lunch. I might leave pretty soon as it looks like I'm going to be staying a little late tonight. It's actually for the best as I've missed a few days and I need to make up some of that time. Still, it's going to be hard with a brand new game sitting here just waiting to be played. I might be taking tomorrow off. Booyah!

[ 1 comment ] ( 9 views )   |  permalink  |   ( 2.8 / 17 )

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It's 11:30 on a Sunday morning. I'm getting ready to take my dogs for a little walk. It's the only thing I know to do to get the pain in my back to diminish. I need someone to watch over me. I need a person to encourage me. Someone who cares enough about helping me get better that they would be willing to invest their time and effort into making it happen. I have always hoped I would find that in someone I knew, but that never happened. So, like everything else in my life, this has become a matter of money.

I will be 35 by the time I'm able to begin setting my life straight. That's just odd to me. To wait that long just so I can start learning how to live a better lifestyle seems ridiculous, but if I could have done it on my own, I would have done it by now. The most important aspect of my life now is to make good on my responsibilities and keep grinding it out until things improve. I keep reminding myself of this fact so I don't deviate from the course. However, I am starting to lose it. I don't want to lose my job, but at the same time I'm not doing a very good job of keeping it either. Put another way, if I was at a different job, I would have been reprimanded or fired by now.

This Tuesday, Mass Effect 2 comes out and I'll be buying it. I'm pretty much done with MW2 as we can't keep a clan together and that's really the only way to have fun. The week after that, Bioshock 2 comes out and I'll be buying that too. Those two games will keep me occupied for a while until March when Final Fantasy XIII comes out, and yes, I will be buying that game too. I don't know how long each game will keep me occupied for, but it should be a couple of months at least. That's really all I'm looking for anyway.

I talked to Payne Friday night. He's been talking with Summer and making plans to move in with her. He told me that she needs the help, but he doesn't have any job waiting for him, no real prospects and no money. I told him not to do it and explained to him that he she is in no position to handle him when she can barely handle her own situation as-is. He didn't like that, but what else am I supposed to say? He's thinking of himself.

Okay, back is hurting too much now.
Gotta go!


[ add comment ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3.1 / 20 )

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It looks like Summer is on-board. I have to send her a camera and some SD cards, but I should probably make a trip down there and show her how to use the camera so she'll feel comfortable with it. It's just a small camcorder so it's not like there's a lot to learn. I'm debating on whether or not I am going to buy a tripod. It would help so she didn't have to hold the camera the whole time, but hand held footage is a lot more alive than footage shot on a tripod. I'll have to think about that some more.

The end of January is rapidly approaching and I still haven't gotten anything ready for NAB in April. I'm going to jump right on that as soon as I get a few things off my plate here at work. The thought crept into my mind that I am going to procrastinate booking everything for the NAB trip and end up not being able to go. It's not like I'm purposely doing it because I really want to go. The problem is that I'm afraid to set anything up. I'm afraid that I'm going to mess something up and make the trip more of a hassle than something to look forward to. There's also the fear that the company is going to double back on their offer after I've gone and try to make me pay for everything out of pocket. That's no good!

I need to talk to Payne again and find out what he's planning on doing. From recent posts on his Facebook page is looks like he's planning to move back to Illinois, but then again he always says he's going to move back then ends up staying. I'd have to admit that if he moved back to Illinois, I most likely wouldn't be as interested in keeping in contact with him. I know he'll fall right back into his old habits, in which case it would be more of a pain in the ass to talk to him than it already is. I don't know. A part of me feels like even though I stay in contact with him and we talk quite a lot, the only reason he does this is because he's not around all his other friends. I'm sure when he moves back to Illinois (if that is his plan) he'll have little use for me anymore.

It's the third week of January and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be able to last the remainder of 2010 at Cass. I don't see how I have a choice anymore since I really don't have a shot at getting another job in my field; especially one that pays as well as what I'm making now. I've looked for other jobs outside of video production and have found nothing. When it comes right down to it, if I leave this job I will forced back into the rigorous schedule of regular shit jobs that I have always despised. I've never been one to shy away from admitting that this job is the pinnacle of jobs I could ever hope to attain around here, but it's never been a comfort to me to know that.

I've got to finish cleaning this office!

[ 2 comments ] ( 11 views )   |  permalink  |   ( 3.1 / 22 )

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Below is a laundry list of an explanation someone posted on their website for what it's like to have Asperger's Syndrome.


- We just can't accept criticism or correction.
- Yet when we offer criticism it invariably comes across as harsh and pedantic.
- We just don't get the unwritten social rules, subtext and the unspoken communication such as stance, posture and facial expressions.
- We often fail to distinguish between private and public personal care habits: e.g. nose picking, teeth picking, ear canal cleaning.
- We often have a naive trust in others.
- We're painfully shy.
- We have constant anxiety about performance and acceptance, despite frequent recognition and commendation.
- We're brutally honest.
- We're blunt in emotional expression.
- We have the infamous flat affect.
- We have either no apparent sense of humor or a bizarre sense of humor that stems from complex references that would be far too annoying to explain.
- We have great difficulty with reciprocal displays of pleasantries, greetings and small talk.
- We have a lot of problems expressing empathy, such as condolence or congratulations.
- We can't obscure real feelings, moods, and reactions. It's either nothing or overwhelming, there is no emotional middle ground.
- We will abruptly and strongly express our likes and dislikes.
- In an attempt to deal with all that small talk, empathy, jokes and the like we will adopt rigid adherence to rules and social conventions per Miss Manners. Ooops.
- We'll often fixate on and excessively talk about one, or a limited number of interests.
- We have a flash temper & occasional tantrums.
- We have incredible difficulty forming friendships and intimate relationships. Yet being desperate for emotional intimacy we have problems in distinguishing between acquaintance and friendship. We suffer from "one real friend at a time" syndrome, but can't really tell if the other person is reciprocating, and don't understand why they don't feel the same way.
- We're socially isolated and often have an intense concern for privacy, despite not being able to understand "personal space" all that well.
- We have limited clothing preference and will wear the same clothes for days at a time. We'll cut off all the tags on the inside of clothes and cannot wear certain fabrics.
- Which goes along with various sensory sensitivities. Certain sensations, such as particular sounds, colors, tastes, smells, will just set us off.
- We are the uberklutzen. We are clumsy. We have problems with balance and judging distances, height and depth. We have gross or fine motor coordination problems. And we frequently have an unusual gait, stance, and/or posture.
- We have great difficulty in recognizing others’ faces (prosopagnosia) and the emotional expressions that play across your faces.
- We have difficulty initiating or maintaining eye contact.
- During periods of stress and frustration we'll raise our voices all right. But it won't be yelling. Call it "yelling" and you'll hear yelling. Then you'll know the difference.
- We have some strong and unusual food preferences and aversions, and equally unusual and rigid eating behaviors.
- Our personal hygiene is sometimes odd or leaves much to be desired.
- We will just shutdown in response to conflicting demands or high stress.
- We have a low understanding of the reciprocal rules of conversation. From person-to-person, day-to-day or conversation-to-conversation you'll find us interrupting and dominating, or not participating at all. We often have difficulty with shifting topics and will keep trying to steer things back on subject. It's just painful that we don't know how or when to start or stop a conversation.
- We take literalism to new frontiers.
- Our rage, tantrum, shutdown, and self-isolating reactions may appear "out of nowhere" but they really do have meaningful triggers. First there's a lot of self-anger, anger towards others and the world in general, and basic resentment. But where normal people are picking up non-verbal cues, we're picking up precise meanings and shades of meanings of the words that were chosen and how they relate to what may have been said months or years ago. Some clever turn of phrase may carry a lot of personal meaning that you just couldn't possibly understand.
- We have extreme reaction to changes in routine, surroundings and people. This, like some of the others, is a general autistic trait. It's summed up by the autistic credo, "All change is bad."
- Our conversational style is pedantic, as if we learned to speak English from watching Masterpiece Theatre. Which, in a way, a lot of us did.
- Needless to say, we don't play well with others. To quote the Aspies' TV role model, Daria Morgendorfer, "The team is the last refuge of the mediocre individual."
- We're often perceived as "being in our own world."



If I were to go to a psychiatrist today and spell out at great length the problems I've had my whole life, it would read a lot like, if not exactly the same as what I posted above. Does that mean when I leave their office I'll be leaving with a diagnosis of Asperger's? It's quite possible. Still, what does that mean to me? For one, I find it hard to believe that without a single documented case of Autism in my family I'm going to somehow end up with a disorder so closely tied to Autism. Also, having been studied and probed by multiple psychiatrists throughout my early childhood, it's hard for me to imagine something like that getting overlooked.

On the other hand, what if I'm wrong and I actually do have Asperger's? Well, that means I'm shit out of luck on the anti-depressants helping me cope with daily social activities route. Educating myself about depression has taught me a few things: One, I exhibit many symptoms associated with depression. Two, these symptoms have nothing to do with my inability to function normally in society. In fact, the symptoms I have can be directly attributed to my social awkwardness. So by getting on anti-depressants, I basically remain socially isolated and awkward, but no longer feel shitty about it.

Hmmmm. I'm going to have to look into this more.

[ 1 comment ] ( 6 views )   |  permalink  |   ( 2.9 / 34 )

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