2012-02-07T03:20:59Z Charlie Dango admin@gonadsgo.com Copyright 2012, Charlie Dango SPHPBLOG
Sariarh met with our accountant to sign off on our taxes. We're getting money back, so that's one thing off of my list of worries. I transferred $500 over to our savings account on Saturday so it wouldn't get misappropriated. That was going to go toward paying any taxes should we have to pay in. Now that our taxes are covered, it can go for what it was originally intended for; paying off Sariah's JC Penny's card.

I need to cook tonight, but I'm not sure what I'll be making. Laymon is calling me. He wanted to know if the attorney from Mt. Sterling we're doing a spot for contacted me. The last time I tried to make stuffed chicken, I had a problem with it not cooking all the way through. I'm going to attempt it again today, but instead of rice I'm going to make some spaghetti and marinara to go along with it. The only thing that really sucks about that is the fact that I can't start making it until close to when Sariah gets off work.

So, Ryan should work out well after all. I wasn't really worrying about that, but it's always refreshing to have confirmation about something that might be questionable. I also helps to have worked with him before in the past. Things aren't as bad as I make them out to be sometimes. I do tend to focus on the negative more than the positive in most respects. I'm trying my best to not do that this time. Every day I'm learning something about the world and myself.

]]> http://www.gonadsgo.com/index.php?entry=entry120206-115044 2012-02-06T00:00:00Z 2012-02-06T00:00:00Z
I'm coming up on week 2 of sobriety. Outside of only a couple of times, I haven't really felt the urge to drink. Even the urge I felt last night was easily suppressed, especially after eating. I'm positive that my theory on hunger vs urge to drink was spot on. I started out this whole thing eating a ton of food, but I'm gradually getting back to my usual eating routine.

Once my body has fully adjusted, I imagine I'll start dropping weight simply due to the reduced calorie intake. Hopefully that does well enough on it's own to give me at least a little energy back so when spring rolls around I can start walking in the morning again. I've been thinking about picking up a Kinect to see if I can use it to get a little bit more active...I'm not sold on the idea though.

Time to jump in the shower.]]> http://www.gonadsgo.com/index.php?entry=entry120204-044957 2012-02-04T00:00:00Z 2012-02-04T00:00:00Z
Sariah had to take Jill to St. Louis to see her eye doctor so I'm here at home alone, which oddly enough isn't much different than normal. On my way home from work I thought about how easy it would be for me to grab some beer and not have to explain myself. It defeats the point to do something like that because I'm not quitting because Sariah wants me to, I'm quitting because I want to. In that way, there really is no slipping one past the warden, so to speak. I'm just kicking back, watching a movie on Netflix and grabbing something to eat.

Depending on how long it takes me tomorrow to shoot that spot, I might stop into the office and get the place cleaned up. Still, that depends greatly on whether or not I feel like it after the shoot. It seems like the only time I can get the things I need to get done are when Laymon isn't around constantly bothering me. It's okay though. Each instance of my personal time being used on company work quickly translates into more time I'm taking off later. I plan on taking a week off very soon....possibly after we get our tax return...assuming we get one.]]> http://www.gonadsgo.com/index.php?entry=entry120203-162923 2012-02-04T00:00:00Z 2012-02-04T00:00:00Z
From there, it's on to Sariah's Capital one card, which should take about 4 additional months. That puts us at October by the time we will have that card paid off. From there, we're left with the three big debts; Sariah's US Bank card, my Chase card and my One Financial loan. By that time we will be saving back around $700 a month to put toward debt. If we can maintain that figure, we'll have Sariah's card paid off in January 2013 (factoring in my bonus) and my Chase card should be paid off by May. By that point, we'll have $1000 to put toward debt. It will take the rest of 2013 to pay off One Financial and then, outside of our mortgage, we will no more outstanding debt....accept for my student loan, but I'm not paying that off quickly. They can rot.

This is all assuming that I make absolutely nothing through Starfish Prime either this year or next. It also doesn't take into consideration my "extra funds" totaling out now to around $2200 a year. This is based on bills as used to schedule bills to be paid out 4 times a month (corresponding to weekly pay). This meant that 4 weeks out of the year were not being accounted for in my bill pay scenario. It's the same situation today, only I schedule my bills to be paid 2 times a month instead of 4. I have to wait a little longer to see the effects of the schedule overlap, but it is still present.

There are some straggler things like the late fees on our mortgage payment and our overdraft protection that we need to pay, but I'd rather not sacrifice my current schedule for those things at the moment. In time, they will be dealt with accordingly. Okay! I've gotta go now! ]]> http://www.gonadsgo.com/index.php?entry=entry120202-111410 2012-02-02T00:00:00Z 2012-02-02T00:00:00Z
As I slowly, but surely pull myself out of financial hardship, I feel as though I'm drawing ever closer to an unavoidable crossroads. My job in no way, shape or form fulfills me as a person, yet it's quite literally the only thing I have in my life at the moment. Whenever I try to do flex any sort of creative muscle in the company, I'm bowled over by committee thinking and other people's ego. They want people to just push buttons and put their dreams on the screen, which is essentially all I've relegated to in the past few years. It wasn't an easy transition, but it got easier the more I stopped caring.

As is the case with everyone who's ever worked in this department, Ryan will eventually grow tired of being a glorified fry cook and leave. Again, the wheels of progress will turn and a new sucker will be brought into the mix....unless I leave as well. I can't say I haven't thought about or even said in the past that I was going to leave Cass, but now I'm pretty confident that when Ryan leaves Cass, I will follow. It has nothing to do with him as I really don't know him all that well. I'm just tired of being the guy in the bowls making sure the machine keeps running.

It didn't really hit me until today the number of times I've been asked if I'm the person who usually does the shooting for Cass. The reason I'm being asked this is because of the amount of fucking non-stop praise Laymon gave Tom over the years. I always told Tom that he was Laymon's golden boy and could do no wrong and quite honestly he couldn't. If it wasn't for me, Tom would still have a job at Cass right now. That's the way shit works at Cass though; the people who know the least about what they do are the most likely to be given the top positions in the company.

It may seem like I'm just angry because Laymon favored Tom over me. This is not the case. I preferred it when Tom was Laymon's favorite because that meant I didn't have to deal with Laymon. My problem is that Laymon, as he always does, perpetuated a lie throughout the community and in doing so added another blemish to our already battered and tarnished reputation. Once again, he's proven that he is incapable of running an advertising agency and isn't the great salesman everyone claims him to be.

When I started with Cass, I got in on the ground floor of a revolution. I talked up the idea of building our department into an advertising force that through high production value, would allow us to grow beyond the scope of Cass Cable and quite possibly into playing a regional or national role. Over the years, that dream has been distorted into petty bargaining chips Laymon uses to merely hold onto his job. Now, times have changes and we are barely treading water amongst a sea of independents whose focus is solely on producing quality products.

Today I received a spot from Jerseyville Community Hospital, a client of ours who we had produced spots for no greater than 12 months prior. The spot I received was better than much of the droll we've pumped out in the past 3 years. This is the new paradigm and I just don't feel that we really fit anymore. This is what happens when your boss doesn't understand the business he's in and the company you work for doesn't understand why things needs to change. Eventually, we'll lose everything purely due to forced mediocrity and Laymon will be baffled as to why everything turned out the way it did.

Why should I continue to patch a sinking ship? How long will I wait before I finally admit that I'm fighting a losing battle? Do I get out while I still have the energy to swim to shore, or do I go down with this ship? Uprooting myself and making change in my own life doesn't come very easily after nearly a decade doing the same thing. Maybe it's just too late for me. I mean, it's not like I've gotten very much interest from potential employers I've submitted resumes to in the past year and a half. My work is growing fewer and farther between and building a convincing demo reel is most certainly increasing in difficulty.

I either need a vacation or need to grow a pair. Maybe both?]]> http://www.gonadsgo.com/index.php?entry=entry120201-184852 2012-02-02T00:00:00Z 2012-02-02T00:00:00Z http://www.gonadsgo.com/index.php?entry=entry120201-154913 2012-02-01T00:00:00Z 2012-02-01T00:00:00Z
Sariah and I were discussing our taxes this year and I'm pretty confident that we'll be getting something back, especially if last year was any indication. We're not going to have the $800 in stimulus this year, but we should still get something and definitely not have to pay in. Then again, I might be wrong. Who really knows with this ever changing economy. One of the other things I need to do is start developing this high school sports streaming thing. It seems as though it's going to be a domino system to set up, but there are a number of aspects that have to be considered simultaneously due to the fact that they directly impact one another.

Needless to say, the boxing event in March is a freebee for the most part. That will be the cornerstone on which I build my direct advertising to businesses. If I can muster up enough support to cover a game every day in the Cass system alone, I should have no problem growing the business from there. My first and foremost question is which do I seek first; sponsorship and advertising dollars or a crew? Without money, I can't really pay a crew to handle the events. Without a crew, I produce no content and make no money.

I need to think of a name for this thing..]]> http://www.gonadsgo.com/index.php?entry=entry120201-114603 2012-02-01T00:00:00Z 2012-02-01T00:00:00Z
Sooooooooo bored.]]> http://www.gonadsgo.com/index.php?entry=entry120131-143526 2012-01-31T00:00:00Z 2012-01-31T00:00:00Z
Another thing I keep reading about is how I always start to re-read my journal whenever I haven't been drinking for a few days. I know it's a way to kill the boredom, but I always do it. It's almost become OCD at this point. Another thing I've noticed is that I complain incessantly about how alone I am when I post while drinking. There have to be at least a hundred entries to this journal where I talk about how I spend all my time alone.

Monti is just standing here staring at me and whining. I don't know what he wants. I think he wants me to let him go upstairs. I took today off so I could get a bunch of stuff done. Sariah is off too, but she's asleep. I wish she would get up so we could do something with our day off rather than spend it waiting between things we scheduled ourselves to do today. I've got leftover pork chops and chicken and rice in fridge, so I guess I won't be cooking today. Today is only Tuesday! Damn it!

There was a time when all I wanted was to have no responsibilities, plenty of money and all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted. For the most part and with a little planning, these would be my weekends now. I'm bored out of my mind every weekend and no matter how much time or money I have, I can never figure out what I want to do. The funny part is that while I'm at work actually doing stuff, I long for the weekend. That Tuesday comment I made before was me realizing I still had the majority of the week to get through. ???? I'M OFF RIGHT NOW!!!

There is a strong disconnect between my brain and my life. I've been telling Sariah how great things are going to be once our debt is finally paid off and we have a bunch of free money to spend on ourselves. I don't know why I'm telling her that because it's not going to really matter. Maybe for the first month we'll try and do something on a weekend she has off or maybe we'll go out to eat at places like Bella Milano more often. As time passes, we'll fall back into our old routines and nothing will really change.

Like I've said recently, I'm pretty content where I'm at and even if I do leave to pursue my own thing, it won't really be due to any huge emotional blow-up or anything like that. Granted I've also said that if certain decisions are made above me that I will quit and that is true, but it's not a passionate decision really. It's just a sign that it's time for me to move on with my life. Then again, I could remain right where I'm at for the next 10 years without even realizing it.

First things first; I need to see how well sobriety works out for me in the long run. I've actually never held down this job with all pistons firing, so it should be interesting to see if perhaps I develop a different perspective on my job and my qualifications as a result. My judgment does seem to be a bit less cloudy when I'm sober for a long stint, so maybe that's just the thing I need to work myself through the void of my present life. Liquor and limbo seem to go hand in hand with one another.

I know I'm only a week into this attempt at sobriety, but I honestly feel more confident than I have before in the undertaking. I've had the urges pop up from time to time, but I've managed them. A majority of my problem stems from hunger (the other vice I can't kick). I've said in the past that I typically don't eat that much, but at the same time I don't consider the amount of calories I'm bringing in through beer. On a long enough timeline of drinking 12 to 18 beers a night, I believe I've trained my body to require this level of calorie intake.

I believe this is the case with me due to the times I feel the strongest urges to drink usually follow extended periods without food. Could my brain be confusing the signals my body is sending it? Have I been interpreting hunger as a desire to drink all this time? In the past week, I've had minimal urge to drink and the times I have felt an urge have always been after an 8 hour period without food. In the past couple of days, I've been keeping myself pretty well fed, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner. I've had no urges to drink during
these days.

Here's some food for thought; a 12-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon (my macro beer of choice) contains a total of 1728 calories. Now, if I were maintaining a 2000 calorie diet, then a 12-pack of PBR would be great....except for the fact that I also eat....and I also drink more IPAs than macro beers which are actually higher in calories than PBR. Needless to say, I think depriving myself of a constant regiment of 2000 calories a day in beer probably has something to do with my cravings being what they are. After all, it's not like I'm throwing back bottles of whiskey or vodka just to get tanked. My hang up has always been with beer.

This raises serious concerns with me in that I don't know if my problem is entirely related to alcoholism. Is my problem more obesity than alcoholism? While I can't deny the correlation between the deprivation of calories and my urge to drink, I'm not stupid enough to deny that this is the kind of rhetoric an alcoholic goes through in his mind to short-circuit logic and reason simply to get back to drinking again. The urges to drink may be a physical response my body is sending my brain, but it's my alcoholism that is twisting these signals into what it wants them to be.

I've got to jump in the shower now.]]> http://www.gonadsgo.com/index.php?entry=entry120131-075034 2012-01-31T00:00:00Z 2012-01-31T00:00:00Z
I am going to be handling the live-streaming needs of Cass Cable TV on an upcoming boxing exhibition in Beardstown. Knowing what I know, the possibility of staffing someone to do this job is unlikely. This is the perfect storm when it comes to Starfish Prime. The company wants to do live production, but can't hire anyone to do it. I have all the equipment necessary to do live production, I just haven't moved forward on it as of yet. The gods are smiling on me for once.

After March, I will finally have something to show clients and be able to grow my business on that front, like I had intended to do. Cass could very well be my first real client, like I had hoped they would be and from there I could branch out to include Mediacom and Comcast regions. I am the one developing the behind-the-scenes methods of turning live webcasts into something we can air on H2, so with that knowledge I can go to the other cable providers and basically provide them a roadmap to get them to where I need them to be for this to work.

Even if I have to eat the upfront cost on equipment, I wouldn't have much problem making that money back over time. The only problem I can foresee is with Laymon. Then again, he can't really dictate to me what I do after hours as long as I'm not competing against my own company. I don't consider offering live streaming services to be in direct competition as Cass doesn't generate revenue from it.

Boy oh boy! Our new guy put in his two-weeks notice at his present job and they fired him. So I guess he's starting next Monday rather than two weeks from now. That's good. I really need the help with upcoming stuff. So much stuff going on....it's really getting crazy around here. Tonight I need to cook some chicken and rice as well as get some cleaning in. Tomorrow is going to be full throttle all day. Hopefully Wednesday won't be so bad, even though I have to work late that day.

With all this stuff going on, the next few weeks should prove to be smooth sailing on the no drinking front. The only thing I have to worry about it the weekends at this point. Time to go!]]> http://www.gonadsgo.com/index.php?entry=entry120130-145808 2012-01-30T00:00:00Z 2012-01-30T00:00:00Z