ON-LINE JOURNAL OF CHARLIE DANGO: YEAR 2005

August 21st, 2005
I remember when I had $4300 in the bank. That was so sweet! Now I'm staring down the barrel of debt wondering how I'm going to get back to where I was. Things are so different now I can't even begin to explain them. I know this for a fact, I can't keep doing this journal this way. I've got to find a way to convert all of this into a php-based blog so I can update it from any computer. I've lapsed so much in keeping this journal up to date that it's not even funny. www.ihateyourband.com has taken precedence over everything at the moment. With the DVD and the site really getting a lot of hits lately, I definitely have had my work cut out for me. Being a member of FCF now has changed a lot of things for me as well. Our first show together is September 17th. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I'm playing bass in a band called The Howell. It's Geoff Ladd, the guy I used to work with at Cass and who I've been working with on web stuff. His band has some shows lined-up with the band Hot Iron Skillet, so I offered my bass playing services to him for those dates. Not something I see lasting, but it should be fun for the time being. Right now FCF's show scheduing is something like once a month, which is good for me because it will ease me into the whole process more gradually. It's not that I don't want to play shows, I just want us all to get comfortable playing together. We already are comfortable, in fact we've already written one new song and are in the process of writing our second. The songs are coming easily, as I kind of knew they would..it's just knowing each other well enough to get through a set.

I've got a lot of side work lined up. Surprisingly enough a majority of it is audio-based. To me that's crazy because this literally is the first time I've made money with my audio recording services. I like it. Anyway, if all goes well I should be up to $2400 within the next 2 months. Woo hoo!!!

July 5th, 2005
There has been so much going on lately that I really haven't had time to update this site the way I should. I'm behind on a lot of stuff, so I've got to play a bit of catch up over the next few weeks. I really don't have time to update the site right now. Perhaps I'll get back to it later.

June 19th, 2005
Too many things going on right now for me to maintain this site. I wish there were an easier way to do this, but I don't even have the time to look for that. Tomorrow I start work with Murder Theory on their demo. I also have to shoot 3 commercials this week. This weekend is Band-Camp 3, which I have agreed to shoot and tape for a DVD that I'm going to put together for it. Beyond that I am still working out some details on getting t-Shirts made, plus I am gearing up for a large amount of audio/web work from Geoff Ladd. Who could forget Current River 3 weekends from now? When you throw in the fact that I'm behind on commercial production at work, I'm in the middle of recording the last FCF demo and my ankle is broken, it all starts to come into focus just how stressful the next few months will be for me. However, the payoff is going to be one of the largest I've ever seen, especially if the t-shirts sell well. I'm really doing a great deal to make ihateyourband.com a real thing.

This brings me to video production. It seems as though the XL2 is out for good. I just can't commit that much money to one thing now, especially when I have access to good cameras and equipment through work and have been getting a lot more audio work lately. It's clear that I have to keep the audio stuff I already have and possibly buy some more stuff. I may even eventually return to my idea of bulding a few tracking rooms in my basement, but we're talking a while into the future. Just as an update on some of the stuff I noticed below, I got a cabinet. It's a Mesa 412 for their Dual-Rectifier line of amps. I think it will compliment my amp pretty well. Another thing is that our A/C unit went kaput last week and we now have to figure out what the fuck we are going to do about that. Stress and lots of it. Being uncomfortable due to heat and a sprained ankle doesn't help matters much either.

June 1st, 2005
Man, I've been away for a while. It's hard maintaining so many websites. Ihateyourband.com is in full swing and I'm preparing to get t-shirts made with the site logo. First things first, I am going to develop the site into more than just a forum. Hopefully that way merchandise will sell better. In other news, I am officially playing guitar with Sean, Aaron, Bub and Ottwell. I'm not replacing Randy because FCF is over. They decided a few weeks back that they didn't want to continue on playing those songs because it would feel awkward for them. I can relate. I don't think I would feel comfortable playing Randy's parts either.

Recently I purchased a guitar and an amplifier. The guitar is a cheap Squier Stratocaster with a Seymour Duncan '59 humbucker in the bridge position. The amplifier is a Peavey Triple XXX tube head. This will be the 4th tube head I've purchased in my lifetime, but the first that I have purchased from an actual guitar shop. It's nice, I just have to find my sound. I don't have a cabinet, so I'll probably be using Randy's old Ampeg 412 for the time being. Hopefully things will work out for us all and we will start playing shows. Howver, Sean broke his ankle this past weekend while fucking around on a trampoline so that set things back 6 weeks. We are all still in the process of finishing FCF's last CD. I'm probably going to start getting things set up to record guitar & bass overdubs and start working on Ottwell's vocal tracks. Where things go from there is hard to say. I'm doing a lot of sideline work with Geoff Ladd and making some pretty good money doing that. He wants me to record his band in late July, which is cool. Assuming I don't get with Murder Theory before then that will be the first offical paying gig I've gotten on the audio front.

Regarding video; I've decided to hold off on purchasing an XL2 until I can figure out if Canon is going to release an updated version of it and subsequently cause the price of the original XL2 to drop. Like I said earlier, I intend to sink some money into merchandise for the IHYB.com site and try to make some additional money that way. Hey, if I can double the amount of money I have in our account by doing it, then why shouldn't I? Well that's all for now. Thanks to myspace.com I don't post here as frequently as I used to, but I'll try to keep things up to speed since this is truly the only site I have that I keep for the duration.

May 10th , 2005
Time seems as though it has stood still the past 5 days. I can't even believe that many days have passed. I can't believe that I have to return to my life the way it was before Saturday morning.

At around 3:00 AM Saturday morning a dear friend named Randy Hoar died in his sleep of a heart attack. We have been mourning for what seems like weeks now, but yesterday was the visitation and today was the funeral. We all gathered together one last time at Venus and Big Randy's house as well as at The Ottwell's. It seemed a lot like the other days, only this time there weren't as many people, there wasn't nearly as much booze and the laugher as well as the tears were all but gone. We all go on now without him and it's going to be very hard. Tomorrow will be my first full day back to work in something like a week and I'm really not looking forward to it.

May 5th , 2005
What up? It's 10:00 AM and I'm getting ready to load up and head to Beardstown to begin setting up shit for the FCF recording of their new CD. It is going to be hectic and I don't think anyone is in good spirits right now, so the problems are probably going to become numerous. Let's hope not though.

My sleep study is complete and it appears that yes I do have sleep apnea. I have to wait a day or two to find out what the official results are, but I'm sure they are going to recommend that I get that stupid machine. I had to wear one last night and it was super uncomfortable. I imagine through constant use I could eventually get used to it, but it's going to be a pain in the ass, let me tell you! Uh...I've sold some mics and my pro boom stand to Cass for a whopping $650.00 yesterday. I have to fill out an invoice before I get paid, but that's okay. I need to use some of that stuff for recording drum tracks this next week anyway. This next Monday I begin listing everything on ebay. I'm hoping that I sell everything the first time around, but I'm not holding my breath or anything. I've got to collect on some outstanding accounts I currently have open with Mr. Carlock and Geoff Ladd. Also somewhere down the line I should be getting $500 from the FCF clan. According to my figures, if I collect from Geoff and Tom, shoot Geoff's band in Springfield Monday and sell my HD24 next week, I'll have enough money to order the XL2. I'm still debating on whether or not to get the 16x manual zoom lens or not, but a weeks worth of hardcore research ought to take care of any concerns I have.

Well, it's time to start loading up I suppose!

May 4th , 2005
New month already. Today I go in for my sleep study. Tomorrow begins the long-awaited recording of the next FCF CD. Soon I'll be finished with that and have in my possession a shiny new Canon XL2. If you are wondering why this journal hasn't been updated as much in the past month, it has a lot to do with the other sites I'm now working on. www.ihateyourband.com is now up and running. www.nysopro.com has been started, but I'm still working on some of the details. Since I've been doing all of this I've kind of neglected my journal. I'm hoping to find a way to turn this journal into a blog so I can add to it at work instead of my www.myspace.com blog. Time will tell on that front. Man, so many things going on. Sariah's Scion got it's windshield cracked on the interstate a few days ago, which figures. Yesterday I ate at the new steakhouse in Springfield called Longhorn, which was really good. I also bought every Wal-Mart in a 30mile radius out of black canvas fabric for a project I'm going to be working on at work. I may even need to venture out again today or Friday to look for more. It's hard to tell at this point.

April 11th , 2005
Just so I remember later, I now have 3 registered domain names:

gonadsgo.com
ihateyourband.com
nysopro.com

The first expires in 2007. I hate your band expires in 2006 and nysopro.com expires 2010. I plan to keep gonadsgo.com and nysopro.com for a while, but I might let ihateyourband.com go when it expires if I don't get something up for it within the year. There is no point in continuing to pay for a domain name that I don't use. I've already had it for nearly a year with no activity. For those of you that don't already know, NYSO Productions is the official name of my freelance video production company. I have to get a business license and tax ID number soon so I can establish a business checking account. You're probably wondering, why NYSO? Well, I was filling out a form to send out for contract work with the company I keep referencing in my journals and they asked for a company name. I had to think of something before submitting and I just didn't have any ideas. The Sony camera was sitting on my desk next to me and for some reason I just decided to juxtapose the letters in SONY to form NYSO. Stupid, eh?

I videotaped Geoff Ladd's band last night at the Easy Street for $50. It was only a 25 minute show and one camera, so it was pretty painless. He also cut me a check for the $200 he owed me for logo design. I've made quite a bit of money freelancing. I just hope I can keep it up. After returning home I watched Sideways, which is an excellent movie. I've been thinking a lot about making a movie and I just have to say that it is something that I am extremely interested in doing. As soon as I get free of my audio gear I'm going to get a camera, and from there I plan to begin searching for scripts and people who are intersted in coming together to make a movie. It may be a low-budget production with minimal flare, but at least I'll be working on something that I want to work on.

April 9th , 2005
A lot has happened recently. I am currently in the process getting video production work through a company that provides video tours of real estate that is on the market. Hopefully it all goes well because I would like to start making money independently from Cass. I'm working with Geoff Ladd (yes, the guy used to work at Cass) on some web stuff and logo design work. He said he could get me work every month and I'm hoping he's telling the truth. It's not a lot, but it's nice to have coming in. I'm also finishing up the Tom Carlock hunting video. I'm sure that the next time he and I meet will be the last; we're that close. Still haven't recorded FCF, but I think I'm going to recommend to Sean that we record all the instruments in the next few weeks so I can begin to list all my equipment on Ebay. I really need to start moving everything over to video if I'm going to be doing more freelance work. I don't want to end up having to use Cass's equipment all the time.

Situations with our Current River trip have improved greatly. If we collect everyone's money who says they are going, then we will have like 20 or more people going this year. It should be a blast and I'm really looking forward to it now.

Things at work are off and on crappy because my boss's mood swings are horrible. He can't just let things be. It's not like things aren't working and the department is in trouble, things are fine with the department. He is just being a douchebag for no reason. Tim is sick of it and has already begun interviewing for other jobs. I'm looking into options for employment outside of Cass. It's stupid, really. He is driving us out with his attitude. I've tried my best to work with him and talk things though with him, but he pays no mind to what we talk about and continues to treat Tim and me like shit on an almost daily basis. I've grown used to the idea that he and I will have an argument every week. I hate feeling that pressure all the time. In other Cass news, I've gotten my friend Damon McCombs involved in script writing, although I don't think he likes it. He's written two scipts so far and really doesn't like the idea of dumbing down a script to the level it's been at since before I started. I know how he feels.

I've re-established communication with Full Sail and am now back in the placement departments files. Since my phone interview with some guy from placement I haven't heard a peep from them. I guess it's safe to say that I might never hear from them again. I've grown very used to that idea over the past 9 years that's why I'm not angry about it. They continue to brainwash people into feeling as though the multiple tens of thousands of dollars they spent was worth it, when really all people are making it on is their networking, communication and abilities in the field. Full Sail has little to no influence in any of those avenues because you are either a person who takes the initiative to succeed or you're not.

My weekends are starting to become more sobering experiences, literally. I haven't been drinking nearly as much as I used to. Granted in the past month I've probably drank twice, but that's better than between 6 and 8 times. Hell, some of my friends drink every single day! That blows my mind. I mean, even when I'm at home alone and bored I can always find something to do to occupy my time. I never think of drinking until I'm around it (or until the end of a very stressful work week). This weekend I was going to get together with some friends and drink a little, but it looks as if that isn't happening. All of my friends are gone or busy. I could hang out with Damon, assuming he's available, but he doesn't drink. I guess I don't need to drink, I just wanted to forget about this past week of work. Hopefully this next week won't be so bad......

March 31st , 2005
Just trying to get in one last post before closing out March.

Man I'm hungry. This week I went to the doctor and now have to have a sleep study done in May to dertermine whether or not I have sleep apnea. If I have it, then I guess I'm going to have to get a machine to wear at night to help me breathe. Sounds fun, huh?

March 11th , 2005
It's Friday, yet again. The server has been MIA for over a week, so I haven't been able to upload anything. I haven't talked to Bud in so long I can't even remember the last time. I was working at Cingular...I think. Well anyway, today I worked half the day and then came home due to having 4 hours of overtime built up. I enjoy leaving work early more than I do getting more money on my check! FCF has a show tonight that everyone is going to but me. Chad's probably not going because he has to work, but that doesn't help me much. I'm probably not going to be doing anything this weekend. I've reserved myself to that mindset now so it's okay. Sariah's sisters Ashley is down tonight so they are going to the show as well. I'm alone.

I guess Jessi (Sean's wife) is pregnant. I was wondering if they were really going to go to Current River this year with us and I guess this answers that question. Sean doesn't seem to be too thrilled in the idea of going 2 times in one year and now with Jessi being pregnant there really is no reason for them to go. Fuck, Michael isn't even going this year. I'm sure all of Sariah's friends will bail out once we go to collect their money so in other words we probably aren't going to be going to Current River this year. I could go on and on about how my friends always expect me to do their shit but hardly ever return the favor, but what's the point. It doesn't help my situation any. Perhaps this year Sariah and I can find something else to do.

Last weekend was a change of pace (sort of). Chad and I went to Springfield and went shopping, then ate at Outback. From there we were going to go back to my place for the big poker night, but EVERYONE cancelled on us. Sariah was super upset about that and didn't want to do anything for the rest of the night, but I was able to talk her into coming with Chad and I to Jake's new house. While out there, Jake, Nate and Grimace put together a trampoline. Nate, Mary and Sariah jumped on the Trampoline for a while and then came back in because they were so worn out. Once the party died down, Sariah and I talked Jake and Chad into going to Steak and Shake to get something to eat. We stayed there for a while and then went home and crashed out. All in all it was a fun day and night. I just wish I had more of them.

March 4th , 2005
It's Friday. I was supposed to get together with Tom Carlock tomorrow and edit some video, but he got sick. This is good for me because when I told him that I could do it this weekend, I wasn't aware that FCF's show with Bobaflex was Thursday, not Saturday. I had a rough week anyway, so it's good that I get to have my whole weekend. I had a confrontation with Laymon today because he scheduled a shoot for this next Wednesday and brazenly told me that he wanted me to shoot it. I've got 4 commercials to edit with two more on the way and he wants me to shoot another? Fuck that! I asked him why Tim couldn't shoot it and he said he wanted me. After stewing for a while I went up to his office and asked him point blank if he had some sort of problem with Tim shooting video? I asked him this because for the past 2 months (possibly even more) I've been shooting all the commercials. Outside of one, which he initially wanted me to do anyway, I've shot and edited every commercial that came down the pike. He told me that I was more applied and that my shots were better. I told him that there is nothing wrong with what Tim shoots and that he and I just have different styles. I don't feel that I'm better at shooting video than Tim. I don't think that at all. I've seen some of the stuff he can do when he really wants to do it and it is cool. The thing is that he just doesn't want to do it. This puts me in a tight spot when trying to negotiate with Laymon because I know that Tim could care less because he's told me so. Laymon, however doesn't know that. So whenever I make a case to Laymon that he should do something I have to work around any Tim involvemet because I know that he and I do not feel the same way about our current position.

Tim wishes I would leave so his job could be less stressful and I think Tim should leave because he doesn't enjoy himself hardly. He should find a job that inspires him, not settle for what's in front of him. I would do the same if I were unhappy. I don't want to make Tim's job any more uncomfortable for him than it has to be, but at the same time I have to think of myself too. I'm a very volatile person and really need a release valve when I get tense (which is often nowadays). I have to confront issues that conflict with my will. I have to or I will not feel happy. I'm not always right, nor do I claim to be, but I can't sit back around and do something I know to be wrong when I could be teaching others (including my boss) how to do it right. He keeps telling me that he's going to expand the department and put me in charge of creativity. Ha! What he seems to forget is that I'm already in charge of creativity. I don't need his approval to garner that. However I will take any pay raise he offers me for the title. As for Tim, I'm sure he'll be moving on within the year. If not, he is definitely going to not only get more involved, he's going to have to get more confrontational with Laymon. I've come to realize that it's the only way for me now. I tried just sitting back and doing things Tim's way (which is let Laymon do whatever he wants), but I just was not happy doing that. Now, had I done that from the beginning and not asserted myself at all, it might have worked. I paved my own road by taking initiatives and setting goals. I couldn't just stop and double-back, I had no other choice than continue on down it.

Oh well. I'm getting more freedom and taking full advantage of the fact that the department is making money by talking Laymon into buying better equipment. I remember Tim not wanting me to push for certain things because he felt it would just upset upper management. I did for a while and I watched as the computer debacle became a seriously fucked up situation. I realized then that the forces at work at Cass are also in constant conflict. I really don't know who to listen to, but I've never really been one to follow others advice. Since I've started Cass has bought an audio converter, a new computer, a fisheye lens, a $4000 jib and built a $10,000 studio almost entirely based on my requests. Likewise they have also made small changes in the world Tim and I inhabit, such as putting up the office cubicles and taking away Tim's desk. My only hope is that Tim doesn't resent me for the changes that have been made. I don't want him to be unhappy. He got me this job a year ago and now I feel like I'm forcing him out of his.

February 27th , 2005
Sometimes things just happen and you wonder why. Take for instance my decision to stop recording bands. Since I made that decision I've got 2 bands who are going to pay me to record them and possibly another one on the way. I just don't get it?

February 17th , 2005
Tomorrow is Friday. I don't have anything planned for my 3 DAY WEEKEND, but I'm sure something will come up. I've had a lot of time to think about this Phoenix thing and have come to the conclusion that it's not a good idea. There are too many factors against it. I am not going to invest upwards of ten to fifteen thousand dollars renevating a building I don't own. I'm especially not going to put multiple thousands of dollars worth of recording equipment in a building I don't own or possess insurance on. I guess that it is just going to be one of those things that will haunt me for the longest time. The real question is why I should continue recording at all if I don't have a studio. My answer, of course is that I shouldn't. I think Sean and I have got the recording situation pretty well figured out for FCF's next CD, but after that and Murder Theory (if they still want me to record them) I'm definitely selling it all.

With the money I make off of my equipment I could get set up with a pretty decent Macintosh dual-processor G5. After that I could start work on video ideas I have floating around in me noggin. I'll have to use the camera's from work, but that's not going to be an issue. My only hope is that people will want to take part in my silly movies. I'll probably dick around with it for a good year until I'm pretty comfortable, then I will start work on a massive project. Sounds good to me. Kevin is doing his own thing so I don't have to worry about keeping my equipment around too long after FCF's CD. With spring on it's way, I think it will be a positive step forward for me. I guess the only downside is for FCF, who will have to start paying for production after this. I suppose Chad Wester will be kind of down since he's going to be losing out on $200 a month. ....

My boss (Laymon) pitched my request for a jib to the CEO yesterday. According to Laymon, Donny (the CEO) was very pleased with the idea and thought it was a good idea. He, in turn pitched it to the owners of the company today. I guess we'll find out tomorrow if they are going to green light it. If so, we'll have our jib and I'll be happy. I wouldn't blame them if they wanted to wait. After all it's going to cost the company $4000 for this one thing. That's nearly as much as the preliminary estimates of what our studio would cost. Unlike the studio however, the jib will pay for itself ten fold. I hope it works out. Tim's push for a file server was held up because of my jib request, but we'll be doing it sooner than later for sure. We have to so we don't constantly have to buy hard drives. I came up with a counter-proposal of buying a hot-swappable drive bay system, but Tim didn't care for that idea. Lord knows if I was doing video production that is one of the first things I would buy. It would be a hell of a lot easier swapping hard drives in and out of an external device than constantly tryng to fit them into a computer case.

This is usually the kind of rambling crap I post on myspace.com, but the blog is down for some reason so I post it here. Tomorrow I have to go into work and finish editing a commercial for Oney's in Havana, then around 11:00 I take off for Bunker Hill to deliver an ad to R & M, meet up with Greg (our salesman down there) and go to his house for hot man on man action. . . . . I just wanted to see if you were reading or skimming...... No, I'm going to his house to show him how to download commercials from our web server and burn them to DVD, that way I don't have to keep going down to the Madison system to drop off ads. After that, it's party time! (yeah right!). All I know is that Sean had better find a way to get a shit ton of blankets and padding so we can pad down the room above the Phoenix we will be using to track drums and we can get this show on the road. Unfortunately, this weekend and next weekend are out since this weekend Seth is getting out of prison on a 48-hour pass and can't leave Sean's house and next weekend they have a show. I think they have a show the weekend after too, but I'm not sure. We'll figure something out.

February 14th , 2005
It's Valentine's Day. I got Sariah 6 red roses in a vase. Nothing to big. Recently I spoke with the owner of The Phoenix Tavern in Virginia about renting the upstairs of his building to convert into a studio. He seem liked he was excited about the prospect, but then hit me with his offer of $1500 deposit, $200 per month. I am going to get back with him probably this Friday to propose my offer of $500 deposit and $200 per month. He is either going to take it or leave it, but I'm not going to pay this guy $1500 for a building that I have to also pay to fix and build into. The rent is fine, but the depost is going to mean that I have to take out a loan to make it happen and the only thing I'm taking a loan out for is building materials. We got the dimentions of the rooms, but didn't get materials costs, so I have no idea what to go on here to come up with a total I will need for construction. One of the shitty things is that I have to put in duct work for heating and air, but can't afford either, so I would have to build it in to the rooms but not hook it up. Shitty, I know. I'm hoping to get things moving full-steam pretty soon so I can begin recording FCF. However things are going to hit a brick wall if Chad (Phoenix owner) doesn't except my counter offer. We'll have to move operations out to Sean's mom's shed at that point and nobody really wants to do that.

I discussed my plans with my boss today and he was trying to see if I could use the new video production studio we're building to record bands. I told him that there was no way that would work. Fuck him. Like I'm going to hand over my business to Cass so they can turn an additional profit and I just continue getting a measily paycheck. Fuck that all togther! I still have to talk to Donnie Bell about this, but I want to make sure that Chad and I have come to an agreement beforehand. I'm really, really, really hoping that $2000 will help get me what I need. There's really only one way to find out.

February 8th , 2005
I'm in a funk. It's clear to me now that I can't avoid it. I'm depressed over the state of my life. I should be happy, but I'm not. I've worked hard to change and make myself better for Sariah so she could be happy, but what about me? Do I get to spend the rest of my life making other people happy instead of myself? What will make me happy? Where can I find happiness? That I don't know and I've been trying to find it my whole life. Each thing I do gives me satisfaction, but not happiness. I want to be creative. I want to build something that will be a great thing. I think most importantly is that I want to do something with other people. Sure, I could spend 3 years of my life working on some project in solitude that would probably be really nice and people would like it, but it would pretty much be a suicide note. I don't think I could bare spending that much time alone. Times like this I start to think about how in a lot of ways I'm with Sariah for companionship - so I won't be alone. I mean, I love her and care about her, but I'm not too interested in doing things with her. I know that sounds strange since I just said that I am with her for companionship, but it's not. I am with her to share times and experiences with and to have someone to go home with. Even if we don't sleep in the same room anymore, I still derive some sort of comfort in knowing that she's here. As much as I like having her around, I couldn't plan anything for us to do together. It's like I'm just not interested in her and she's not interested in me. Well, we've done stuff together before, but it was sort of based on another agenda. We would be hard pressed to actually do something that involves just us spending time with one another.

This past weekend was a great example of how I'm feeling. Although it was Super Bowl Sunday and my friend Jake was having a house warming party, I decided to spend my weekend in an alcohol-induced stuper at my friend Sean's house. I want to say that I am not going to do that again this weekend, but what I'm starting to notice is that I begin to thirst for alcohol after a while. I told Sariah on Sunday that I do this so I'll feel so shitty every weekend that I'll want to go back to work on Monday. I guess I feel as though if my weekends are uneventful and full of misery I won't have anything to look forward to but work, but that never happens. Thanks to being an alcoholic I still look forward to siting on my friends couch, watching stupid shows I don't want to watch or playing games I could care less about and just drinking myself stupid. I'm going to end up one of those guys who pushes himself to the brink of poor health and almost dies before he has an epiphany and starts living life to it's fullest. I'm still young enough to really enjoy life without any physical limitations prohibiting me. Sure I'm fat, but that never stood in my way of doing everything else I've done in the past. I used to play basketball all the time with my friends during the summer. Now all we do is drink.

I guess my friends Sean and Jessi are having problems. I just heard tonight that Jessi might be getting a job at a car dealership, which will be great if she does. I think once she starts making money and they get back on their feet financially the hardship will lessen. It's kind of funny, because Sariah and I went through this same thing no more than 5 years ago. Listening to both of them talk about the other and what they aren't doing and what they are saying to each other just sounds like a page from my own life. It's a difficult situation, but they'll get through it.

Still no word on whether or no Michael will be going to Current River this year or not. That's kind of depressing too. I would like to think that we wouldn't let that get us down, but it will. Why my friends (other than Sean and Jessi) feel as though they can't go on a trip like this with there friends is beyond me. It's fear, plain and simple. I know that if Sean, Tim, Chad, hell even Bub and I all went to Current River together we would have a blast. It wouldn't even have to be a party. Just us spending time away from our stupid lives and doing something together instead of drinking for once (although drinking does occur, but it's not the central idea). If we got a bunch of people to go this year and Chad didn't go, I know he would feel like shit for not going. He always complains about missing out on the big stuff. Well this is kind of big stuff to us and he is the one choosing to opt out. I'm not going to twist his arm, but I just think he needs to forget the camping and the river and focus on the togetherness. I hope things work out before then. I'd love to see a huge turn out this year, but what am I thinking.

January 31st, 2005
Not many posts for this month. Actually now that I have myspace.com, I really find myself releasing a lot of frustration daily rather than bottling it up for these long, drawn out posts. I guess that's good because I can use these journal entries as more of a reflection on the past few weeks of my life. Anyway, let the reflection begin. I was informed via email by Mr. paledarknothing that he no longer intends to record with me. I've had many feelings about the matter swirling around my head since then, but I'm not too focused on it. In his email he sounded as if he wasn't bothered by the decision he himself made, yet I still feel as though he would rather not be around me. Regardless of whatever that is all about I'm not upset with him. I can't be upset with someone I'm not really close to.

From the demise of the paledarknothing project comes Murder Theory like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Okay, perhaps that's a little overly dramatic, but that's just my style I guess. Anyway, Murder Theory is a band from Virginia who play heavier music than the previous bands I've recorded. I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time I know it's going to be tough because they are a young band and really don't have the tightness of a band that has been together for a while. I guess I can only do my best and hope that it translate well for them. This will actually be my first paying thing (well, paying audio thing that is!). I like the idea of that! Before I record them I would like to work with the owner of the Phoenix and try to convert one of his upstairs rooms into a useable studio space. I think it would be pretty much a necessity at this point since I have two bands I'll be recording in a few short months. I need a room. I just need a room and I'll wing the rest!

I was invited to go to Nate and Mary's apartment this weekend. I was told that Jake Hill's ....uh..fiance(?)....whatever, wanted to have a housewarming party before their child is born and wanted to do that this weekend. So that's probably what I will be doing. I can't really think of anything else to do. My weekends have quite simply become me searching for a place to drink and people to drink with. It's sad and pathetic. Why do I feel like this is the calm before the storm?

January 23rd, 2005
Last night was Chad Knous's birthday party at The Central. I knew I wasn't going to go, but I kind of told some people I would be there. I don't like bars, especially those in Beardstown. I spent ALL DAY sleeping. That's right, ALL FUCKING DAY!@! I don't know why, but I just couldn't stay awake for anything. When I did wake up it was because my intestines were in so much pain. I raced to the toilet with explosive diarrhea that I had to expel periodically over the next few hours. I had to take a shower because of mud butt, then I fixed myself something to eat and settled in to a nice, relaxed viewing of my Tenacious D DVD. After that I laid down on my couch and fell asleep until 10 at night when I woke back up and watched some TV, but since nothing was on I fell right back to sleep. It's 9:51 A.M. right now, but I've been up for a couple hours now. I had to bring my recording equipment in from the car and I wasn't about to do it yesterday with the wind being as bad as it was.

I was thinking about spending today mixing the stuff I recorded of FCF this past Friday. I'm going to have to figure out how to connect to the HD24 and transfer files, which means I'm going to have to unhook myself from the internet for a while. I imagine it will take about 2 or 3 hours to transfer all the files and I have no idea what I'm going to do during that time. Now if I start mixing I'll be doing it all day and probably late into the night. I'm definitely going to call into work tomorrow if I start mixing. I should anyway because I have to get an oil change desperately. Plus I have to get some new headphones for Cass and I should probably get a fucking hair cut while I'm at it.. . ...I could benefit from some new shoes too. So many things that I need to do. Why won't I do these things on the weekend? I guess if Sariah came home today I would go to Springfield and get some of this stuff done, but I don't think she'll be home til later tonight. I haven't seen her in over 48 hours and I'm starting to miss her.

I haven't heard from Kevin in a while. From what I hear he is working diligently on new songs and is trying to get a job on the railroad. Ewop and I had a discussion about Kevin this Friday and his decision to get a job on the railroad. Ewop is happy for him and thinks it would be great for him while I on the other hand don't see any future here for Kevin and think he should take whatever money he has now and move out to the coast and try to make something of his talent. I don't know Kevin all that well, but he just doesn't seem to be the type who would settle down into a typical relationship and life with full-time job, kids and a mortgage. . . . . But of course, I don't really know him that well.

January 19th, 2005
This month is flying by. It will be time to go back to Current River before you know it and how many people want to go this year as opposed to last? Well let's see........Sean and Jessie......um........maybe Jake......

I could say that I am pissed about no one wanting to go, but I'm not. I was very apprehensive the first time, but after I took the plunge I wanted to go back. It's probably the same deal with the rest of my friends. Sean wants to go with his mom and her boyfriend so they can ride four-wheelers and whatnot. He doesn't seem to want to party as much as I do. I attribute that to last years dismal turn of events. Had I known that it was just going to be the six of us I probably would not have gone that year or tried extra hard to get as many people to go as possible. Things are supposed to be different this year, but then again that's probably all talk. With Michael possibly not going and my failure at organizing I could see this years trip being a giant flop-o-rama. I don't even know if I would go without Michael or Hartke because they are the ones who are the most experienced with the area we go to. What am I saying, of course I would go. I don't care if it's just Sariah and I this year, we'll go by ourselves and have a kick-ass time.

I'm starting to care less and less about my weekends. I guess it's due to the fact that I don't have anything to do with them. Everyone offers suggestions, but they usually consist of doing something I would rather not do. This weekend it seems my friend Chad's brother-in-law will be throwing him a party at a bar - translation: everyone is going up to the bar. So with this info in hand, I guess I'll be spending my weekend here at home. Chad mentioned that he was going to have a Star Wars Trilogy party this weekend.......I don't know what that was supposed to consist of, but I guess that's not going to happen now. Oh well.....It's probably better to give my liver a rest.

I finally got my car started tonight. I didn't mention it before, but my car wouldn't start Tuesday so I've been driving the company vehicle back and forth to work for two days. Tomorrow will be day three since I had to bring it home with me, but tomorrow Tim is coming to J-Ville with me and I'm picking up my car. We shot some scenes of food today at Butler's County Line Inn today. During the trip Tim and I talked about the future, which seemed to be the topic of today. I had to meet our new salesman in the Staunton area, Greg today to shoot a ground breaking ceremony for Madison Communications new building. Greg and I began talking about the future the advertising department and where we saw it going from there. When I got back to Virginia, Tim and I began discussing it as well. I've pretty much come to and empass and have to take one particularly difficult step in order to truly advance. I have to have a one-on-one with Laymon and discuss the seperation of the advertising department into two parts; sales and production. It has to be carefully done, but taking the right steps I believe it can be a discussion that can lead to better things. My desire is to take the helm of production. Now if Laymon chooses to shove his head up his own ass and continue to believe that he can manage both effectively, then I will go the way of the intelligent and part ways with Cass Advertising in search of better and more meaningful employment. This is what it comes down to for me. I just cant shake long-term goal planning.

I would much rather be working in the professional audio or video industry rather than doing what I'm currently doing, but if the money is right and I'm able to begin taking advantage of my own abilities, not just be Laymon's pony boy, then I will be content with staying at Cass. To know that I am being taken advantage of is a miserable thought. The idea of tolerating it is worse. I guess Tim has pretty much decided that he is not going to stay with the advertising department much longer. He is either going to transfer to the cable installation end of things or he will just leave Cass altogether for another company. I hope he moves on basically due to the fact that he's done all he can at Cass and can do much more. I never thought he should cap his own ability by staying at Cass and 3 years at Cass with now real fringe benefits is a real downer. He's been there longer than our boss yet he gets pushed around constantly by him. Tim has his agenda and I have mine. I can't just leave this job without another waiting in the wings, but at the same time I don't want to leave. I want to help make this department the best it can be, I just don't want to give everything I've got and be treated like a fucking peon. Laymon will continue to treat both Tim and I with little respect if we continue to stay under his control. That is the main reason why I want to break apart from him. I know that Tim won't be there for when it happens (if it does at all) but it will be a beautiful thing when it does. If it doesn't, then I'll know that I've reached the ceiling and need to start seriously scouring for another job. That's just the way it goes when you're trying to get what's coming to you. Nobody's going to hand it over, you have to pry it from them.

January 6th, 2005
Days. Nights. Fucking unbelievable bullshit. This game that we play is a bit more complex than I once thought. There are no definitive lines. Guh! I think I'm pretty much ready to strike and then I have a day like today.

Well fuck. Today was my first day back since I've been sick. I've been stewing over my boss and some shit he pulled on me the week before. Last night I couldn't even get to sleep because of my anger. I walked into work today expecting the worst and was pretty much ready to go. After about an hour or so I was called up to my bosses office where he gave me a script to work on. I went back downstairs and talked to Tim for a while. At this point I was ready to go to the big boss and talk to him about Laymon and my discomfort with him. Oddly enough, this was around the time when the big boss himself entered our office (mine and Tim's, that is). He wanted to know what we thought about the new office furniture that was going to be installed that day. Now before I left on Monday, I had talked to Laymon about the possibility of getting a new desk. Laymon then said that he was going to talk to Donnie (the big boss) because he had some cubicles that he wanted to use somewhere. I had talked to Tim while I was out sick and was told about the plan to replace not only my desk, but also Tim's with cubicles. Of course I was upset by this because Laymon took it upon himself to get his agenda done when all I wanted was a different desk. Forcing Tim out of his workspace was wrong and I still don't understand what the would do it.

Well anyway, Donnie asked Tim and I to accompany him to the Cass warehouse so we could check out the cubicles and work out the placement of them in the room. This was a very liberating experience because for the first time in a very long time we were able to work on a situation with a group of adults. A group of men who didn't try to push their agenda on everyone else and didn't turn into a big baby when we decided against their initial setup idea. Well anyway, we worked out how we wanted things and returned to the office. After about an hour of Tim and I discussing stuff and our future with the company the cable guys arrive to begin installing our cubicles. The rest of the day was great. We had a good time moving stuff out and helping the cable guys put up the cubicles. By the end we were starting to turn around on the cubicle idea. Suprisingly enough it was actually going to work. Now, had Tim and I never been invited to make the changes we wanted to the layout at the behest of Donnie, we would have been very upset with everything.

By the time Laymon got back from his sales shit we were in good spirits and not even Laymon could bring us down. Of course when Laymon is around other people in the office he doesn't treat us like shit. So through all the bullshit I went through and beat myself up over I ended up cooling out. Now I'm okay. I know that he's going to fuck everything up eventually, but I'm really getting tired of just sitting back and taking it. I think from now I'm going to start treating him the way he treats us. If he doesn't like it, then he can take it up with Donnie because I know that he's full of shit if he thinks he can fire us.

January 3rd , 2005
Blah! I can't get my head around the idea that it's 2005. After expending a lot of steam through meditation, I am now at peace with the universe. I had an experience at work that triggered my rage like you would not believe. I swear if this is the way things are going to be from now on I'm going to hate it. I thought I had a lot to cover with this entry, but I guess I don't. I suppose I'll just give a few quick updates:

Mr. paledarknothing hasn't returned any of my emails, so I assume that he wants to be left alone. Bluddy Guy, Jessie, Sariah and myself enjoyed a 3-day drinking binge, but I only shared 2 days with all of them. The third day (technically second) was spent with my good friend Chad Payne, in one of his few retreats to these parts. I got a few DVD's for Christmas as you all probably well know by now. Hmmm...... Outside of pictures, I don't really have anything to talk about. Damn meditation!

Check out the pictures from New Years Eve!