ON-LINE JOURNAL OF CHARLIE DANGO: YEAR 2004

December 26th, 2004
I'm rounding out the day after christmas. Tomorrow I go back to work. Tim won't be there because he's taking his birthday on that day. Laymon won't be there either because he is going to be on vacation, or so he says. He has a habit of lying about shit like that just to screw with our heads. Anyway, this Christmas was kind of bland. At least for me it was. The process of preparing for the holidays has been one that I just haven't taken the same interest in as in the past. Perhaps things are changing for me. I just don't know anymore. Sariah and I did our usual stuff, although we exchanged our gifts for one another on the evening of christmas eve. Christmas day was spent lounging around. At least it felt that way for me because I woke up at 5 in the morning after previously being up for 27 hours straight. The fact is that we left our house at around noon to go to Sariah's sister Angie's house for the family christmas get-together. That was boring for the most part because no one showed up until around 3 or so. The gift exchange was less than thrilling and I really didn't start having a good time until I went out and got myself some beer. Today was spent watching Futurama, which was my christmas present.

I trust everyone I know has had a merry christmas. I'm not the type of person to be ultra sensitive about those sort of things so I don't call people to wish them a merry christmas or get them christmas cards or whatever. I guess you could say that I'm just a selfish man. All I know is that I'm growing increasingly bored with my life and my routine, or lack thereof. My future is questionable. I really want to focus a lot of effort into making Sariah's bead shop happen. The sooner we can accomplish this the better because it will give us a stronger foothold on the future. I really need to stay focused on this because I don't see Cass being a constant in my life. Actually I am pretty certain that if Tim quits I will be following him shortly thereafter. My reasoning behind this is that when Tim leaves I will carry the entire weight of the department on my shoulders until Laymon could find a replacement for Tim. Once he finds a replacement, which would more or less be a college kid with more ambition and energy than me, I will be ousted of the role that I currently play in the company and since I don't have any other roles with Cass, my respect level will plummet. I guess that could actually be better for me in the long run because then Laymon would ignore me and shift all of his focus on the new guy. My fear is that he's going to decide that since I have an attitude I will be more of a liability to him than an asset and get rid of me.

I've worried about it so much that it's been causing me to lose sleep and stress out way to easily. Since I don't have anything at home to take my mind off of work I just constantly mull over these things day after day. Sometimes I think that I should try a different profession. Something that will allow me the comfort of working in solitude. I know that a job like this does not exist though. Even jobs where you are pretty much on your own can and will be tainted by overzealous supervisors who are drunk with their own power and just can't wait to abuse it. You would think that acting that way would have reprocussions, but it doesn't. Complaining to the president of Cass isn't going to make a difference because Laymon isn't doing anything wrong. This is the beauty of manipulation and lies. Tim and I are not doing anything wrong and neither is Laymon, but we have issues with one another because of personality conflicts. Laymon can't simply allow Tim and I to do our jobs, he feels he has to challenge us just for the sake of challenge. He thinks that by putting us in uncomfortable situations he will challenge our abilities and bring out the most in us. I really don't know what book he got that from, but it isn't working. If anything he is driving a wedge between him and us. Tim has been pretty apathetic to the whole thing ever since I started. I never really understood why until now. Now I find myself becoming more distant and unconcerned. However, the more disenchanted I become, the more pressure Laymon applies to try to bring us together. He doesn't want another Tim and by that I mean he doesn't want someone else who is standing their ground as to what their role is in the department. I've unwittingly opened that door myself for me to be forced into the role of being Laymon's right hand man, but I'm trying like mad to get away from that because that is not what I want. I don't want to be Laymon's personal assistant. I don't want to be the person that Laymon always looks to when he wants something done. I want to be in the trenches doing what I do. I simply want to shoot and edit commercials, good commercials. That's all. I don't want extra money and I don't want commendations or bullshit like that. I simply want Laymon to respect me. I want him to accept what I bring, not expect me to perform. He wants to bank on my ability as if he knows what it is. I guess that's why he is always calling me up to his office to validate his scripts with my "vision".

During my annual evaluation Laymon flat out told me that he wants me to be his underling and complete what he feels is the ultimate team. That team being him writing insanely idiotic scripts and me regretting the day I ever took this job. That of course is not the way he described our union, however that is what it will be. He not only wants me to pretend that he writes good script, he wants me to be excited about working on it and positively focused on it. . . . . What he wants is impossible, he just doesn't see it yet. Anyway, Laymon is a baby. I know this after many creative conflicts we have had since I started. When it all comes down to it he is the one writing the policy so he is the one who decides whether or not Tim and I are meeting his expectations. With that, once he has decided that our "attitudes" are getting in the way of production he will subsequently build a case against us with Donny, eventually resulting in our termination. Why? Because Laymon gets what he wants. At least that's what he tells himself. If we don't jump through his ever increasingly ridiculous hurdles then he will naturally grow increasingly hostile toward us and feel as though our "team" cannot work. Since he is a simple, single-minded man who can't think outside the box he will naturally allow his emotional instability to determine the best course of action for himself, not Cass. He could just as easily avoid all of this if he would stop trying to include Tim and I in his creative pow-wow sessions and just give us the projects to work on, like when I started. Either that, or he could admit that he doesn't know how to write good scipt and try to get people who do know good scripts to being writing them for us.

You see. This is what I do now. I go over and over in my head how stupid my current situation is. Reason does not apply here because Laymon is irrational. Tim and I don't have enough power to confront the issue here. Challenging the system that is in place is a dangerous proposition and one that probably will cost both Tim and I our jobs. The higher powers at Cass really don't care. The deptarment could close down tomorrow and it wouldn't make that great of an impact on the company. What do you do when your boss is pushing you away from your own job and doesn't want to do anything about it except push you farther and faster? What do you do when your job isn't a necessary position in the company you work for? I guess I am going to do what Tim has decided to do. I'm going to start looking for another job. I don't really have a choice because sooner or later Laymon's opinion of me is going to change due directly to his own self-righteousness.

December 16th, 2004
I'm tired. Today was my annual performance evaluation at work. I finally finished some ads I have been working on for the past month now. It has been an exaustive period for me and I'm glad it's finally over. I've still got to make the final revisions to the United Way video and get that back out, but that's nothing. I also got a raise today. That's nice. Oh what else. . . . I'm helping Sariah put together a business plan for her bead shop. She's figuring up a budget for starting inventory. I told her that I can only give her what I have at the moment which would be the equivalent of all of my recording equipment. I believe if sold on Ebay for a moderate price, I would make $3400 through the sale of my equipment, plus my $720 christmas bonus would be $4120. She tells me that she'll need more than that. I guess she's just going to have to find investors or something because I'll be tapped (having put up my entire christmas bonus too!). This sucks for me because I'm taking everything I have and putting it into this business for Sariah. If it fails, I lose everything and will be that much further away from getting the video equipment I want. However, if the business prospers, I could be back on track within a year. Do I want to put off my plans for a year, not really. I don't want Sariah working at EMI anymore either. I would feel like shit if I borrowed additional money, sold all my equipment and bought a bunch of video equipment forcing Sariah to stay at EMI for another 2 years or more. That's not fair to her. Perhaps we won't do anything within the next month or two. I think it would probably be a bit more beneficial to us to wait until July of 2005. That's really when we will know what our future financial situation will be like. Sariah believes that her job isn't going to last until then, but all we can do for now is hope. If we save back money from now till then, I might not have to sell all my equipment. It's up to Sariah though.

Payne called me, although I didn't get his call. His girlfriend gave birth to a little girl today so I say congratulations to him. He'll make a good father to his daughter. He already does now for her child older child she had before they got together. Everyone said it was foolish for me to care about Payne and kept telling me that he would never change. Well part of him will never change, but he has made great strides in improving himself and I am happy for him. He's my friend and I will always be there for him if he needs me. Sometimes he may have been hard to handle, but I will never turn my back on him. It doesn't matter to me what people say about him because they never really gave two shits enough to even visit him, so they don't know. The only thing they see of Payne is the side he is trying to leave behind. As much as people should know that I won't give up on Payne, I know he'll never give up on the rest of his friends from Beardstown. He says he has, but I know he can't. He'll keep coming back to B-town and keep making a mess of himself. There's nothing I can do about that because I've seen how he changes when he gets here. He's tried to come down and just hang out at my place, but he ends up going stir crazy because his (for lack of a better term) inner demons are telling him he needs to go to B-town and get fucked up. As much as he's grown up he still wants to be young, but don't we all to some capacity? His better years are ahead of him and he knows it. He'll make the right choices.

December 9th, 2004
Weekend approaches. I hate it when the weeks start flying by. That's when you know you're getting old! Let's see. What's happened lately......Dimebag Darrell of Pantera fame was gunned down during a show in Ohio. Pretty sad. Uh.......I'm writing a script for a movie that I plan to shoot. It's going to be a huge project so it will most likely take a long time to make. Once I get a camera I'm going to start shooting little movies here and there to bone up. I would like to know who is going to be on board with this thing and who is just telling me what I want to hear. The proof is in the pudding as many people say. The name of the movie I'm writing a script for is called "The Cellar". It's a thriller/horror movie that is based off of a dream I had a while ago. I remember thinking that it would make a good movie, so I remembered as much as I could and began developing a plot line around it. Sariah says the plot is similiar to a movie called American Gothic, which I've never seen. I think it bares a pretty strong resemblence to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I would like to not rip off an idea to base a movie on, but damn it what idea is really original these days? If you're going to rip people off, might as well go to the best.

Before I embark on any of that, I want to try to shoot some comedy sketches and other things. Just mini-movies I can have fun with. Speaking of having fun, check out www.channel101.com. If you are into shitty production, horrible plots and bad acting then you'll love this site.

December 4th, 2004
A friend is someone who makes time to be with you because they value your company. You can be someone's friend and never truly experience a real connection with that person in your entire life. Most of my friends live for the moment and never really put to much thought into what they do. They have a predestined path that they follow and everyone else is invited along for the ride. What do you do when the ride they ask you to accompany them on is not the ride you wish to join them on? Well you are left with two choices: find something else to do with someone else, or go along reluctantly because there is nothing else to do. What if everyone else you are friends with are doing the thing you are reluctant to do? Do you go along because you don't want to be left out or do you stay at home and do nothing?

These are the questions I'm left with at the end of the day. Sure, my weeks are filled with sitting at home and doing nothing so why should my weekends be any different?

December 2nd, 2004
The final month of 2004....or of any year, I supose. I'm currently battling myself over what I want to do with my life. It's a grueling battle, but I think I've reached a decision. I think.........

As of this next year I will begin a process to sell all of my audio equipment that I don't need, aquire a suitable loan for necessary video equipment and switch my focus over to video production. The audio equipment I DO need basically consists a mic or two, some cables and a stand. Everything else goes! Why would I do such a thing? Well, I'm tired of spending thousands of dollars on recording equipment that never gets used (except whenever FCF needs a new record, that is!). It's ridiculous for me to continue throwing money into this shit when I could just as easily take FCF (or any other band or artist) to a full studio for a few days, track all their stuff then bring it back to my place and mix it in my computer. I don't have an adequate space to record, I don't have adequate equipment to track with and I don't have enough money to be able to get either. I would much rather just mix bands stuff than worry about the tracking part of it. That is something that I might consider down the road as a side thing, but right now I think about how I come home from work and do absolutely nothing. I bought a PC game called Final Fantasy XI that I have to pay $12 a month for the privilege to play, but don't give a fuck enough about it to continue. It's been 2 weeks since I even logged in last and if I wait much longer they'll cancel my account. The thing is that I don't really care because it's not fun to me to sit behind my computer all fucking night by myself. I need to invest my time into something meaningful. I need to make a movie.

It's been a long time coming and I have to say that it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who knows me that I feel this way. I love making movies. I love it. Even before I embraced music I made movies. I think back to the days of The Plunky-Boy Show and Trenchcoat Mafia Films and think about how happy I was making those ridiculous short films. I always wanted to make a long-format movie and put a lot of time into it, but always feared that no one would take me seriously enough to help me. Having spent the last 9 months of my life working for a video production company, I feel as though I now possess a working knowledge of how to make a production work and I have made connections with others who can help me acheive my goals. I consider what I've been doing for almost a year now to be an experiment leading up to one grand moment..the movie! Now I've worked on some stuff before and put a few things together here and there, but I just don't think I have it in me to write a screenplay. That is one deficiency I have. Another would be acting. I can't act, so I would always have to bring in actors to be in my movies. I've discussed this with Tim and he's interested in it. Unlike TMF or Opaque Productions, the entire flow of the work will not rely on Tim and what mood he's in. I am passionate about making something happen in this capacity and would probably invest every free moment I had into making this dream a reality. The cool thing is that with a minimal investment I'll have what I need to hit the ground running. Unlike audio where I could spend $300,000 easily and still not be where I would need to be. That of course is the curse of Full Sail. I've used professional equipment and expect nothing less than professional quality. If I had known years ago that my ideology toward audio production would be all or nothing, I could have saved myself a few thousand and just focused on video instead.

The cool thing about focusing on video is that whatever I don't have to start out with I can get from Cass. Also, I can used Cass to make purchases that I would otherwise not be able to afford myself. I've been wanting Cass to get a camera crane for some time now and I think next year it will happen. If I need a crane shot, then I know where I can get one. That's the beauty of working at Cass. Another aspect of this is that I wanted to rent a building uptown in J-Ville and make that my base of operations. I figured that if I could turn it into a controlled set with a vocal booth, I could convince Cass to help me out with the rent. This is all still speculation however. I have no intention of proposing this to Laymon at all until it is done. I have to already have the place and have it ready before I'll begin negotiations that way I'll have a bit of leverage. Besides, if Cass isn't interested, I'm sure Insight would be. Before any of that takes place I would have to start my own business and get the assistance of a lawyer. Why? Because if what I'm proposing has the possibility of putting my job in danger, I want to make sure that I am on steady legal ground. Besides, who's to say I can't provide my services to another company if they so choose to oblige me?

One large factor in all of this is Kevin Mellor. This may seem odd to some of you and probably even to Kevin himself, but my internal struggle has more to do with future possibilities than it does with how I cope in the present. I guess I look at it this way; I'm running out of friends who either don't have children or aren't fully wrapped up in some other thing. Kevin is one of these people. Okay, that's not the only reason. Kevin has a strong literary background and a tenacity that I find no parallel to. He is a creative individual who seems lost in self-doubt and lack of options, much like me in a way. I think that he and I could make something like this happen. Another friend I have who I consider to be helpful in this sense is Chad Knous. . . . . . . . . . now just let me explain. Chad possesses a lot of qualities that I think would be beneficial to a project of this nature. He is very creative and witty, he's unattached to anything at the moment, his sense of humor is a bit on the dark side (much like mine and Kevins) and he's quite the passionate fellow. The thing about Chad is that he considers the whole movie making business that Tim and I did as childish, however I believe a good deal of that was his apprehention about being on camera. He always took an interest in our projects and wanted to be involved, I just am not sure how exactly. I think if he was convinced that we would be doing it for real he would be on-board all the way.

Rough figures bring me to around $8000. That's it! That gets quite a bit of stuff, but some of my prices are based on current ebay auctions considering I'll probably be buying most of this stuff from ebay anyway. If I sell off a majority of my stuff, then I estimate I'll have made around $3400. I was planning on taking out around $5000, so it works out pretty well. I think I've pretty much made up my mind as to what I want to do. The questions that remain now are who's on board with this and can I get a $5000. All this worry and contemplation I've put in so far is going to seem pretty stupid if I can't get the loan. . . .

November 27th, 2004
This is odd. Today is Saturday. I feel like it's Sunday. I guess that's what a 4 day weekend will do to ya. Sariah is away with her family in St. Louis. I went to the FCF show at the Easy Street Lounge last night and had a decent time. I had a better time at my house when Chad, Sean, Tim and eventually Aaron stopped by and we all shot the shit. I enjoy the company of my friends and it's a rare occasion that they actually come to my house. It was nice. We talked a lot and I really miss that aspect of our friendship. It's really not very often where we can all get together and just talk without some stupid theatrics or something else getting in the way. Like I said, I enjoyed it thouroughly.

I got to see FCF's set list before they played. I swore that Taken was on it, but they neglected to play it. I assume it was because of Randy because he hates that song for some reason. He, of course is an idiot. Sean said that he has not been showing up to practices and what not. I find it very interesting that he remains in the band with all the excess baggage he brings to the table, but that's their shit. If those guys want Randy in the band then that's the way it's going to be. When Aaron showed up he seemed to only have recording on his mind. This is the second or third time he has talked to me about recording. He is really excited about it and I really don't know why. They don't have all the songs they need to complete the CD, the songs they have need to be worked on and even after all that has been accomplished we still have the issue of finding a place to track. Nevertheless, Aaron is pumped. I guess I can't blame him. Beautiful Day is getting pretty old and I'm sure they want to let go of that stuff for a while and focus on the new material. It will all happen soon enough.

Kevin had to work this weekend so recording was shot to hell. That sucks! I didn't have any sort of real Thanksgiving dinner due to my inability to be comfortable around Sariah's family. I try to understand why I am uncomfortable, but can't come up with anything. Part of me feels as though they never truly accepted me as part of the family and still kind of treat me as an outsider. Like they are holding some sort of weird grudge against me or something. I don't know. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't find anyone in her family that intersting. Again, I don't know. I could say that one day things will change, but we've been at this now for 12 years. If something were going to change, I would assume it would have happened by now. Oh well.

In rather insignificant news, I started a myspace.com page for myself. I figured I could use another blog now that inthewire.com has been shut down. We'll see how that all pans out. For now, I think I'm just going to enjoy the few remaining days I have off before I have to return to work. Booyah!

November 22nd, 2004
Tomorrow Seinfeld on DVD comes out. Woo Hoo!! I can't wait to spend my money!!!!

Next week our Tracer will be paid off. That means we will be saving close to $300 per month extra now. Sariah wants to immediately spend it on a bed. I, on the other hand want to buy preamps for my recording gear. I have plans to spend $5000 on recording gear in the next year or two. I want to get enough preamps to negate the need for a mixer. I think I have successfully budgeted in 11 preamps and a line mixer. I'll still need more money for a better computer, more plug-ins and better mics....but that's all down the road. I can't imagine taking out a loan for the same amount as our Tracer just for recording equipment. I would like to think that I could just buy each unit one by one. Well, the smaller stuff I could. One of the preamps is $2000, so that would take a while to save for. Is it worth it? You bet it is and it's a far better decision than buying a mixer because where a mixer would depreciate in value, the preamps I purchase will not. Preamps are hot items and will always be desired in a producers tool box. The good ones will retain their value for decades.

I'm gearing up for a weekend chock full of recording with Kevin. Hopefully it will work out. FCF are playing a show in J-ville Friday night. I will probably end up going if Kevin and I aren't working on anything at the moment. We'll see. I'm not going to solidify any plans until Kevin get's back to me about recording this weekend. If all goes well he will be learning how to update his own website, which will be cool. I don't think me updating his site is all that great of an idea. I'm going to make sure everything .......FUCK!!

God damn it! You would think I would remember something as simple as that! Mother fucker!!!
Wait. . . . I can get batteries.
Okay!

I was having an episode because I realized that without my old mixer I wouldn't have phantom power to send to my condenser mics. All the small-diaphragm condenser mics allow for 9-volt batteries to supply their power though, so I'm okay there. The main tube condenser has it's own power supply, so I don't need phantom power for it. I just can't use the Audio Technicas. No biggie! I couldn't get an acoustic sound worth shit out of them. With a brigade of acoustics, mics, rooms, songs and time, we should be able to turn out a decent product. . . . I hope. Two more days until Thanksgiving. I'll be giving thanks that I'll have a 4-day weekend. I'll definitely miss the bird, though. I'll miss the bird!

November 17th, 2004
Tomorrow is my mothers birthday. She will be 51. It's hard to believe that we are all this old. One of these days I'm going to have to accept the fact that my mother won't be with me anymore. That's going to be a hard day to reconcile.

I'm listening to a song called "Bong Water", the inappropriately titled song about Ottwell's love interest. I miss Chinese Water Torture. I would like to keep working on stuff, but we kind of hit a wall. The wall was inadequate recording space and Chris's utter inability to not schedule things over our few available times to work on this stuff. I think I'm going to get music generator from Chris soon and rework some of our songs. I need to mix them in the playstation better and the only way I can do that is if I'm listening to them through my near-fields. The crappy thing about CWT is that no matter how good our music is we would never be able to play it live because of the amount of programmed stuff it involves. I still intend to finish a full CD of CWT material, I just had to focus on getting a job that didn't make me want to kill myself and try to save money in the process to get necessary equipment. I'm still a long ways off and if I can't get a loan to help lighten the load, then it's going to be far too late for me to finish these projects.

Next week is Thanksgiving. We will get a 4 day weekend, which will be nice. It will be like a mini-vacation where I'm not sick and actually getting paid for the time I miss. I'll have been employed through Cass for one year in late March. That will be nice. Man I'm tired.....

November 15th, 2004
This last weekend was a long one. I hate drinking 3 nights in a row. I also hate not bathing for 2 days in a row too. One of the things I was intending to do this past weekend was record a little bit with Kevin, but due to me not wanting to record at my house we didn't. We did have a pretty long conversation about the future, not one of my typical "you should be doing this with your life" rants. I complain a lot about how people act and the things they do that I think are mistakes, but I'm not perfect so I guess I don't have any room to talk. Everyone wants instant gratification and gets upset when they have to wait.

Before FCF starts recording their new CD, I'm going to get with Aaron and Bub and force them to write a song or two, together. I really want Aaron to come out of his songwriting shell and I guess the only way that's going to happen is if I personally get involved. The group thing isn't going to work. I don't have the patience or the will to try to make it work solely for the reason that it should. My job isn't to slap sense into FCF, it's to extract the best they have out of them. If Aaron can't write songs around the rest of his band, then it doesn't make sense for me to force him to. Actually, it doesn't make any sense for anyone to. It's the same every time we record. Everyone wants to lay down their tracks together, Randy and Aaron want to be present when Ottwell does his vocal tracks, Aaron wants to be there while I mix, etc, etc... My problem is that I let them bother me to the point of frustration and I then lose interest in doing what's right for the recordings. I always say whenever I go into a new demo project with these guys that I'm going to do it right this time, but I never do. All I can say this time is that I am going to focus whole-heartedly on each instrument that I am working on at the time and not try to short-cut a path to the finish. Due to not having the money to buy a mixer, I'm going to have to reserve myself yet again to not getting the drum sound before it goes to tape, but this time I will at least be able to distance myself from the kit and be able to experiment with mic placements more (since I own enough mics to record the entire project). My main concern is getting the guitars to sound right. That's going to take a lot of different amps and experimentation. Hopefully I can convince the people who have nice amps to let me borrow them for a week so I can get these guys to make guitar tracks that actually sound good for a change. The bass tracks are going to be give hard, but I may probably enlist the help of Ed (FCF's soundman) and his equipment for that.

Right now FCF have a number of songs that they feel are ready to be recorded. They also feel as though they need to write a few more. This why I'm thinking I need to get with Aaron and soon. I really want him to write the final songs the band records because I think the new record should have balance; the old with the new. Randy's songwriting is dominating the new album and really pulling FCF away from it's poppier self. Although Randy would swear that his songs are more pop sounding than the old ones, but that is because Randy exists in an alternate universe. Let me see:

Allow me to explain.

AOK has already been proven to be a possible hit. The only thing I would suggest is making the beginning just guitar and vocals (randy) going right into the verse part. Basically the way it is now just with no drums and Randy singing the chorus softly. Darker Days, Being a song of unusual format (no chorus) it can be said that Darker Days would not be as much of a "hit" as AOK, but is still a powerful song and can stand fine on it's own merits. I think it is where it needs to be already. Opaque has the possibility to be a solid song, but right now it suffers from one huge problem. The song structure in the beginning is good, it builds energy thorughout the verse which peaks at the pre-chorus then flows out during the chorus in a pretty easily singable part. However, from here the song goes bad and I know that the band considers this part to be the coolest part of Opaque, but I would strongly have to disagree. The part consists of an erratic guitar riff which leads to the drums stopping altogether while Randy and Aaron play a staccato quarter-beat chord part (like the shower scene in Psycho, but nowhere near as powerful). After this 1st bridge, the song returns to the verse. An alternate pre-chorus is played which segues into the 2nd bridge which is a pretty cool softer part that builds, but unfortunately goes back into the eradic and herky-jerky 1st bridge which kills the mood set be the second bridge. If I had to suggest anything it would be to rework the 1st bridge.

Shut Your Mouth is a fairly simple, straight-forward rock song. I think at full potential it would still not equal the power of Darker Days, but it would be a good song nonetheless. I think it's the tempo and the semi-mellow mood of the song that will keep it from acheiving it's own life. The only real problem with this song are some timing issues. Finding Emo.....what can be said about Finding Emo. It's kind of a boring song that more or less is Randy's "I'm a rockstar" song of the album. If you ever need the wind knocked out of your song, Randy's your man! Maybe it's just me, but when songs break down to nothing but vocals they lose momentum. This song does it 8 TIMES! Randy is a guy who is message driven and wants you to hear what he has to say, which is cool, but when you totally fuck the momentum of a part to acheive that goal, then that's just ego. I suggested once to them that Randy, Aaron and Bub should play a D chord on the 2nd and 4th bar of that part to keep momentum in the song moving forward. They tried it and I could tell that they liked it, but Randy was the hold-out. Why? I know the reason and don't know why I rack my brains trying to get a good CD made for these guys when that kind of idiocy is prevalent.

Pete's Adventure, or whatever it's called is a crappy song. I've never kept the fact that I thought that from any of the members of FCF as I've bitches continuously about how bad that song is and how they really need to work on it. I think that did nothing more than re-enforce the bands liking of the song for some reason. Well enough about that, let's get into the meat of the situation. The song starts off with more staccato riffage only this time over a march beat. Typical screaming from Ottwell throughout the verse until they get to the chorus, which I feel would work better as the beginning of the song. It's starts with a Randy playing a single note and bending it on the quarter for one bar then the band joins in with what I would call a powerful dirge. This continues on throughout the remainder of the chorus with some intersting drum work during the "Go!" refrain. Everything repeats from the beginning which means they return to the herky-jerky march-style verse part before getting to the good chorus part a second time. Now after the second chorus they break down into an what I can only describe as an anthem. The guitar part is very schlocky and I don't think it's intentional. If this super-cheesy part really IS intentional, then it was a joke that just stuck. My feelings? The joke should stop. After the "joke" part the song breaks down into a pretty cool little single-note clean part with very light drums. after 4 bars the song comes back in with a lot of power and just builds to what you hope is going to be an awesome 2nd bridge, but unfortunately goes back into the "joke" part which really, really takes the steam out of the previous part.

In my opinion, the only way this song will reach it's full potential is if they take out the march verse and the "joke" part and replace them with parts that complement the energy of the other riffs instead of taking away from them. If the song goes on the record as is, then it will be guaranteed to be the worst song on the CD. We now come to the final song, Taken. Taken is awesome. Plain and simple. They must really not like it because they don't play it as much as they should. It is definitely the most powerful song on the CD. Not a "hit" like AOK, but powerful. I've heard Randy say that he doesn't even want to record Taken, but like I said, he exists in an alternate universe. If FCF doesn't record this song, then I'll be upset. I would hope that they re-record either Chaotic Intercourse or Area of Hurt, but the way they make it sound it probably won't happen. I really think it would be a mistake to not include one, if not both of these songs on the new CD because for one the crowd enjoys them a lot. Two, Area of Hurt was on "Tabula Rasa", but the recording wasn't that good and nobody has Chaotic Intercourse. If you get past the weed referrence (which I know can stop people from realizing how truly awesome Chaotic is) you can see what I'm talking about. It's hard hitting rock, straight-forward and to the point. Not trying to be fancy or complicated. JUST ROCKING!

Well there's my perspective on things, for what it's worth. I can't wait for the day when I have my own fully-functional studio. Why? Because I'll never have to go through all this bullshit again. I put myself through so much shit to record FCF because right now they are the only one's I feel comfortable working with. We're all friends so they are more forgiving of me for certain short-comings (taking forever to mix, having them re-record whole sections of a CD, etc. etc.). If I had my own studio, I could record bands all the time and wouldn't be trying to take the producer role of a recording. Since FCF has deemed me their producer (which like most other FCF-deemed titles, it's ONLY a title) I have to come up with plans to ensure a good recording and I have to worry myself over their content which they themselves aren't even concerned about. Since they aren't on a major and I'm not paying for this CD, they have to decide what they want. They have to decide if they are happy with what they have or if the songs could use some make-overs. Whatever they decide, they have to stand by it. Hell, if I were in the band I would have already called for the outright scrapping of Pete's Adventure and Finding Emo, but scrapping songs is just something those guys can't do. They have to be able to write a lot of songs before they can start scrapping songs. Perhaps this upcomming break from playing shows will help.

November 9th, 2004
I'm sick again. That's nice. I'm not going to miss work this time, though. I've got to make da money!

This past weekend was kinda shitty. I ended up going to Beardstown Saturday night to catch the FCF/Nancy School show. They were alright (the nancy school). They really don't have any "hits" to speak of and their sound is a little too much like early Incubus. From what they played off their new album it seems as though they are moving in a different direction, however there weren't any real stand-out songs of the bunch. The singer really doesn't seem to fit the group and on the CD it's glaringly apparent. They are quite a technically proficient band, but that doesn't really pay the bills (just ask Quadrapet!) I always like a good band that does things their own way, and lately that band has been The Skintones, out of Wisconsin. They remind me so much of Trickstar that it's scary. I would like to have enjoyed their set a lot more had it not been for me being sick (and the fact that I was in a penguin suit!). After the show there was a lot of drama, mainly between Mandy (Tim's girlfriend) and a few people (my friend Chad being one of them). Randy is having problems in his relationship and that mixed with crazy drunk people antagonizing the situation makes for a very shitty, drama-filled night. The after-party at Chris's parents house was a bore-a-thon. Sariah, Jessie and I ended up falling asleep in the basement. I couldn't drink because I felt like shit the whole night, which really sucks because I bought a bottle of Belvedere Vodka for the evening. Crap!

Tim talked to me yesterday for the first time about his situation with Mandy. I told him that I didn't want to know anything about it, nor did I want to tell him how to live his life. He never asked me if I thought Mandy cheated on him. My feelings on the matter are simple. I keep my feelings to myself for the same reason I did with Sean; It's none of my concern how you live your life. With that said, I don't like Mandy, nor do I really want to be around her and it has nothing to do with the rumors. I've never liked her from the night I met her and she hasn't really given me a reason why I should start (nor do I expect her to). Do I think she cheated on Tim? I don't know. Knowing what I've been told by Shannon, not knowing Shannon well enough to determine if she is lying or not and not knowing Mandy well enough to know if she is capable of such things prevents me from having an opinion one way or the other. It's not my place to reseach the facts nor is it any of my concern. I'm not compelled to do so, say as Tim would be. However that to me is perplexing. Why does Tim not want to know?

Tim has his own life and that is fine by me. The only person who has to live his life is him. I could say that If he's unhappy then he will do what he needs to do to make himself happy, but I don't understand Tim well enough to make that genralization. What I do know about Tim is that he can't confront problems as easily as others. He prefers to operate under the radar so problems don't find their way to him. That is one behavioral trait that I am confident Tim has based on my exposure to him on a day-to-day basis. Is it a problem? No. That's the way he operates just like anyone. If someone told me that being the way I am was wrong and that I needed to change, I would tell that person to go fuck themselves. You are who you are, end of story. I expressed to Tim that just as his friends cannot control what he does, he cannot control what we do either. Tim is upset because Chad talks shit about her, but when he confronts Chad, all Chad does is play it down and dodge the issue. Chad has every right to express the fact that he does not like Mandy all he wants, but why he wouldn't talk to Tim about his feelings is beyond me. I know that Tim doesn't want there to be a rift between his girlfriend and his friends, but he can't stop that. I can't explain Chad and the way he does things, but I can explain my own behavior. I don't think it's any mystery to Tim that I don't like Mandy because my behavior indicates that fact to anyone who knows me. I'm cordial to her as I would be to anyone and will continue to be cordial to her. Does that mean that I want to invite her over to my house to play board games? No. Sometimes people just don't mesh.

I wonder sometimes if it's the thought of all his friends thinking Mandy cheated on him that bothers him so much rather than him wondering for himself if she did or not. I told him he should confront the source of the rumor, but I don't believe he has any intention of doing so because I don't really think he wants to know for certain if it's true or not. I love Tim like a brother, but just like in Sean's case I'm not going to pretend for his benefit because just like in Sean's case it's not to his benefit to lie to him. It's not to his benefit for him to fight all odds to keep a rumor under wraps. At the same time I'm not going to spread unfounded rumors because I think it's in Tim's best interest. Tim asked me how I would feel if people would have told me that Sariah was cheating on me. I didn't have an answer prepared at that time, but after thinking about it I have one now. I would wonder why these rumors were surfacing. I would question the people who are spreading the rumor to find out the source, then I would confront the source. In short, I would want to know. It's true that Sariah has seen other men while we were together. Never during that entire ordeal did I not want to know. Never. If Tim chooses to not confront the situation head-on, that is his perogative and you can't fault him for feeling that way.

November 5th, 2004
Isn't nice to be able to count on certain things? I've been saying for months that Bush would be re-elected, but I guess people were blindsided by hope. I gave up on the system back in 2000. I think after that heartbreak my eyes really opened for the first time and I got to see that our entire political circus is an orchestrated nightmare. Both sides are up to their eyes in it and the only real losers are us. Oh well. I can't afford to move to Canada right now so I guess I'm going to just have to deal.

Being able to count on certain things is definitely a pleasure, but when you count on the wrong things it's bad. Real bad. I sold on all my recording equipment in the attempt to buy different equipment that would allow me to be more mobile. I succeeded, save a new mixer, which I sold my half-stack to gain. Now it's November 5th and the final piece of the puzzle has still not been purchased. Why? Because all the money I made by selling my half-stack and working with Tom Carlock is gone. Well, all but $350 that is. Where did it all go? Your guess is as good as mine, my friend. What I do know for sure is that I won't be buying a mixer any time soon. I was actually considering bidding on a mixer, then scrambling around like an idiot for a loan to pay for it, but then it hit me; Why am I in such a hurry to buy a mixer? It's not like I can start recording once I get it. I still have to deal with the fact that I can't record ANYTHING at my house. Vocal tracks sound like poo, drums and amplified instruments are too loud which results in the police paying me a visit and the little acoustic work I've done with Kevin has resulted in shitty sounding takes.

I can always count on my friends.........to reassure me that they we help me out in fixing up my house for recording and paying me for recording, but I'm not foolish enough to bank on those assurances. I could borrow money against those assurances believing that I would be compensated upon completion of the next FCF CD, but I know how things are with those guys. Not meaning to make it sound like they would purposely stiff me or anything, but they would just not be able to come up with the money. Besides they already owe so much, I doubt they will even pay back their current debts. The notion that they intend to borrow money to make their next demo is bad one. Throwing money at a problem only makes more problems.

I'm wondering what I should do this weekend. Should I stay here and play Final Fantasy XI all weekend, or should I visit my friends and party down with them? I guess if someone calls me I'll go to B-town tonight. Sariah has to work tomorrow because her job SUCKS! She's been working 10 and a half hour days since Wednesday, just like last week. Now she has to work Saturday. I wouldn't put up with that bullshit! Actually, I take that back. I can't say that I wouldn't put up with it since I have before (Cingular). Yeah, but there is a world of difference between working in a warehouse and manning a stupid phone. I don't know, she feels as though she can't leave, so what can I do? I've tried to convince her that it's not worth it and that she should leave, but at the same time we can't afford for her to not work. It's a shitty situation all around.

October 28th, 2004
My half-stack is officially gone. I'm awaiting the end of an auction in which I've been bidding on an Allen & Heath MixWizard WZ12:2DX. I don't think I'm going to get it because their are only 20 hours left on the auction and the last bid was within $50 of my highest bid and I'm not going over my current high bid. I think more and more about why I'm even doing any of this. Once I get a mixer and a sound card for the computer I will pretty much be right back to where I started with no place to record. GRRRR.....

In news as of late, I just got over being sick. I'm still congested, but I worked today so that is officially the end of my sickness. Last weekend I bought Final Fantasy XI, which is a bitch of a game. I would say it's too big, but then again this is kind of always what I wanted. Since it's only on-line play, then there are really never ending possibilities for it. I'm just hoping that it keeps my interest enough for me to pay $12 per month to play. I guess it's going to have to do since I really don't have anything else going on in my life once I get home from work. . . . . I guess that sounds kind of cold since I'm married and Sariah and I have the same schedule, but she spends as much time (if not more) working on necklaces and bracelets as I do playing this game.

This weekend is the Halloween show for FCF. I'm going, unless my costume isn't finished, then I'm not going. My feelings of FCF are growing more and more consistent on a daily basis. I feel that the members of FCF are ungrateful for everything their supporters have done for them. A lot of people have lent them a hand, hoping it would jump-start their success and in a lot of ways this varied support has done just that. Instead of using this boost of support and building off of it, they rode the wave to the shore and then sat around complaining like they never expected it to end. I mean, so far I have recorded 3 demos for the band, promoted them online and ran their first website, TIm has produced two music videos for them and setup an online merchandise shop for them, Chris's parents have spent thousands of dollars helping them out of a jam, Kevin (their manager) has dedicated the last year to getting FCF lots of shows with virtually no monetary compensation, Ed (their soundguy) is like their personal PA system wheneve they need it and really doesn't get paid well enough to be as loyal as he is (lord knows I wouldn't work for as little as he does), Missy's (Bub's girlfriend) parents made a bunch of merchandise for the band to help them out and as far as I know never even broke even on that deal and last but not least the countless clubs that have not only offered to give FCF shows, but pay them regardless of how many people they bring in the establishment. Now I know that FCF busts their ass to put on a good show, but offstage they really take for granted the hard work that everyone else puts in to support them.

All of this stems from this past weekend when I got to overhear a converstation that Sean, Bub and Chris were having over an email that their manager sent them. This last weekend, FCF were supposed to play two shows, but Randy got in a car accident and said he wasn't up to it. Now that alone would have been understandable, but after telling Sean this, Randy spent the rest of that same evening partying with his friends. Kevin found out about this and was super pissed off, as is to be expected. He wrote a letter to Chris explaining his anger and said that he is at his wits end with Randy and his attitude toward shows, I suppose due to him having cost the band many shows or something. Well long story short, Kevin pretty much through down the gauntlet and told (in the email) the rest of the guys in the band that they needed to talk to Randy and get him straightened out or he was going to stop promoting them. Sean did not agree with Kevin's demands and took them as an insult. Frankly, I was insulted at the fact that Sean felt that despite Randy lying about not feeling well enough to play the show, it was Kevin who truly crossed the band. This of course is nothing new to me having been in a band with Sean and being as close as I am to FCF.

I've said it for years and it's always true. Randy has a great stage pressence, but his attitude is for shit and frankly the band would be in a much better position to prosper without him. Now if he were to magically receive some sort of attitude adjustment then things would be great. It doesn't really matter what Randy is like though because FCF is a band comprised of the worst aspects of each of it's members. A group that can't do things together outside of a band setting is not a happy band. Hell, in the Four Pointed Sisters days Sean, Tim and I used to do a lot of shit together without practicing or playing shows. Back before Sean and Randy joined the band, the members of FCF used to hang out with one another. I think that more or less what is happening now is a combined system of peoples waning support, increasing internal and external stress in the band and a sea of misfortunes that I can only describe as the cloak of failure. If you were to ask anyone who is in a band around this area why they never moved to LA or NY, they would most certainly answer you with something like "it wouldn't be any different there than it is here only it would be harder to live". That of course is an excuse made by people who can't see beyond their own front lawn. I also like the "there's too much competition in the city" excuse. Like coming from the sticks you get some magical pass that allows you to bypass competition from the city. Bah, I don't really care. I gave up being in a band years ago for all of these reasons and more. It's a stress that I am thankful I don't have to deal with anymore.

October 20th, 2004
One day I hope everyone in this scene will wake up and realize that no one is writing songs that are catchy. FCF could be doing a better job at that if they weren't plagued with ego, deception, intolerance, insecurity and outright power tripping. Between Randy's inability to scrap shitty songs and Aaron's fear of his own creative efforts being dismissed by Randy, I really don't see another song in the future of the band that is going to move the audience the way Bus Ticket to Alvarez or AOK do. People always dismiss me as being against everything when I make these sort of statements because people feel as though if they keep challenging the problem it will eventually be resolved. I feel like I'm the only pragmatic individual in the group. I could list a million and one reasons why FCF will never make it and they would all be viable and probable, but it doesn't have to be that way. The reasons I could come up with stem from my knowledge of the bands collective performance up to this point, viewing their currrent situation and estimating future possibilities based on said prior performance. If FCF were to change the negative aspects of the group then my assumptions of their future would not hold true. The positives are clearly evident in their songwriting ability and energized stage performances, however at the same time the band stays in a stationary funk. Their recent songs are sub-par when compared to previous songs. Having said that, should the band ever present their new material and a copy of Beautiful Day to an impartial third person for analysis, I'm postive they would learn that the impartial listener would prefer the songs on Beautiful Day to that of the new material. Most of the people I talk to echo the same comments, that is to say unless a member of the group is present. People never seem to understand how flatery does more harm than good. If the guys in FCF had been told all along that their new songs didn't capture the true magic of the band, I'm postive they would have refined the songs more and produced a lot more winners.

Sure this is one man's opinion, but if my opinion is shared by others, then it is no longer just one man's opinion. I love the guys in FCF and want them to go as far as possible with their music. Knowing that they have a shot to take their music all the way and watching them squander it on petty shows and shitty songs is frustrating. Despite Johnny Angry's contrary belief I have tried to help FCF realize their potential for writing good songs. I've hoped that they would realize that the current stable of songs need severe make-overs, but it's easier for them to settle for what's there and focus on playing live, which in the end it seems is all they really want to do. I don't even know why I'm on this rant. I guess it's because we're not getting any younger and patience is wearing thin all around. I've got to take a long, hard look at my life and set some sort of long-term goal to elevate myself once again. . . . . . There's a snake behind you!

October 12th, 2004
Hello. It's Tuesday and I'm home sick. Well, not really sick I just have the shits. I had to take a day off anyway to level out overtime since I'm going to be working Saturday. My money situation is for shit again. I don't know what happened to it over the past few weeks, but now we are really screwed. Sariah and I have been spending money very uncecessarily and it's reflecting in my budget. Over the weekend Sariah and I were going to look into possibly buying the local coffee shop here in town that went out of business. After taking a tour of the business and meeting the existing owners, I noticed that there were a lot of things that didn't add up. After talking about it for a few hours, Sariah and I decided to forget about it. I think I came up with a good idea about how to take over the business, but not put ourselves at such financial risk, but we couldn't organize it in the amount of time they were looking to make things happen. They have to be out of the building by the 15th. On the night we met with the owners I told Sariah that I didn't feel as though they had any other interested people in the business. Today they called us to see if we were still interested. I think Sariah told them that we couldn't get a loan. At first they wanted $70,000 for the business (not including the building because they were leasing). Today they reduced their offer to around $25,000. That still isn't good enough.

My idea consisted of paying off the remainder of their 11 month lease and basically becoming a silent partner in the business. I didn't think about the terms of what percentage of the profits we would be entitled to, but I figured that would be negotiated with the owners themselves (at least ten.) My mother would start working there full time to learn the business and Sariah whenever she could during that period. A contract would be required that would stipulate that if after the 11 months the original owners were still interested in selling the business we could reserve first right to it with a predetermined amount set before we would even initiate this agreement. If after the 11 months we decided that the business didn't generate enough profit, then we would simply bow out of our relationship and the owners would be free to sell the business to anyone else they chose. Now if this happened we would be losing the money we put up to keep the business open for the 11 months of the lease. The final clause would be that if the owners decided that they did not want to sell the business after the 11 months they could choose at that time to either continue our partnership or buy us out by paying the remainder of what we borrowed to keep the business open. Sounds fair and somewhat safe, right?

I don't know. I kind of dropped the idea after Sariah lost interest. This is after all her thing. I mean, it's kind of mine to, but it's mainly her's. If she's not going to be interested in it then why should I push her? Another reason why I wanted to drop it was due to having to come up with money to secure one more month of their lease until we could get the paperwork thorugh to get the loan we would be taking out for the lease. In order to get money like that quick..........I would have to sell my Alesis HD24! I just got the damn thing and now I would have to sell it. . . . . . . . well I'm a little attached to it and don't like that idea at all. If only there were another way?

Oh, by the way....Rusty shut his server down. So until he brings it back up or I figure out another way to host this site, no one will see this for a while. Bummer!

October 5th, 2004
Finally got the Alesis HD24 and it works fine. a drive bay door was broken and the handle to one of the drive caddies was missing, but those are just cosmetic. Functionally the device works perfectly. Unfortunately, I'm having some difficulty with the person who purchased my Layla card. It seems as though the device will not work in his system. He has done many things and it is not working. I'm working with him now to try to resolve the issue, but this may prove to be very bad for me. I may have to refund his money! This will suck because it worked fine before I sold it and now this guy is claiming that it doesn't work. If I can't help him get it to work and the people at Echo can't help, then I'm going to have him ship it back to me and I'm going to see if it works in my computer still. If it does then I'm going to send it back to him and he'll just have to sell it himself. I'm not responsible for it not working on his computer. Now if he sends it back and it doesn't work on mine, then I'm going to be pissed off because I'll know either he broke it or it got damaged during shipping. The only thing I'll be able to do from there is work with Echo to see about getting the card replaced (because I know that is what would be wrong with it). I might as well start seeing how much a new PCI card would cost me. . . .

That is the kind of hit I was really hoping not to take on Ebay. I'm never going to sell computer-based stuff on-line ever again. In fact, the last thing I'm going to sell on Ebay will be my Marshall head. I've decided that having a half-stack does me absolutely no good and I could get much better peformance out of an emulator. I have to buy a mixer, there really is no other way around that. I also want to get a couple compressors and a Tech 21 Sansamp RBI and PSA-1 (amplifier/cabinet emulator for bass and guitar). These will help me get great guitar and bass sounds by allowing me to record both a direct track and a miked track. Outside of that, I really don't know what else I could purchase that would help me any more. Maybe a really nice preamp and mic for vocals. Well....maybe some better effects for Vegas. Shit, I would also have to upgrade Vegas to the newest version. . . . . . I think I'll wait until they incorporate plug-in latency correction into the software before I make that jump.

My boss is taking two weeks off. Tim and I are happy.

September 30th , 2004
Today is the final day of September. It's been 11 whole days since my last entry and a lot has happened. First and foremost I was able to make the money I owed Kevin back by selling my mixer and Layla card on Ebay. I was anticipating using the new recorder at a live FCF show to capture multitrack audio of the show. Well the package was lost in shipping and to this day I still do not have it. The seller shipped it in the SKB rack case that I also won with the recorder. It seems the shipping label parted ways with the case somewhere in-route to my house. Luckily they were able to find it and are now (supposedly) back on track with the shipment. So yet again I anxiously await the recorder. I still have to give it a thourough check before I say good deal, because the thought of handlers throwing this case around in shipping makes me wonder if the recorder is still in working order. Lord only knows what might have been jarred loose.

FCF have had there fair share of disappointments in the past few weeks. Their tour was brought to an abrupt halt when their "new" van broke down. Once back in Illinois, the guys cancelled a show that the mother and father of the singer secretly planned as a surprise party thing or something. I don't know the details so I'm not going into a lot of them. This weekend the guys were supposed to play a show in Pittsfield, IL with a band called The Pimps, but the owner (like every bar owner I've met so far in my life) is retarded and cancelled the show. What made these shows so important was that we (Tim DeWitt and myself) were going to videotape them and compile the footage and audio for a DVD we are putting together for the band. We planned to do their Champaign show for months, but thanks to DHL, it looks as though this will not happen. I mean even if I received the recorder tomorrow, I wouldn't have a way to test it out properly without a mixer so I wouldn't even be sure if I was working it properly the night of the show. I don't know. My feelings may change by tomorrow if it arrives. I've tried to leave a small window of hope open for everyone, but I think Tim has already ruled out the idea. I don't know for sure though. We'll see tomorrow.

Sariah went in for surgery this past Monday to have her gall bladder removed. I didn't think the surgery would be that bad, but I guess it was. Sariah said she was in an extreme amount of pain after the surgery and has since been in a percocet-induced delirium in hopes to ward off painful spirits. I took two and a half days off from work to help her out around the house, so my next check is going to be horrible, as will Sariah's. We are going to have absolutely no money here pretty soon. I'm going around telling everyone this, but I already know people will be calling me asking why I'm not coming to B-town for the weekend or something to that nature. My boss told me today that he will be away from work for a while because his wife has breast cancer. Tim and I are going to be running the department next week. That should prove to be an interesting little experiment.

In case I didn't mention it before (man I've been so absent-minded) I finally got my new Mac for work. I edited my first commercial on it today and went absolutely crazy with LiveType (a new program that comes with Final Cut Pro 4 and higher). Tim's going to laugh when he sees it. I feel odd because I can't do anything with audio out of my computer now. I found myself listening to old Four Pointed Sisters stuff today thinking I should really break out the old tracks and work with them some more. Even after I receive the Alesis recorder I still won't be able to do anything out of my computer, at least not until I get another sound card for it to run to my near-fields. Due to our recent financial developments I can be sure that I won't be getting one for at least a month or so. Who knows really. . . . .

September 19th , 2004
Friday I purchased an Alesis HD24 from Ebay. I couldn't afford the entire amount so I had to borrow money from a friend. I'm also selling my Layla 24 unit, but haven't had any bids as of yet. I'm probably going to end up relisting it. Damn. I've got four more days so hopefully things will turn around by then. If I list it again and it doesn't sell I'm probably going to sell my Marshall amp because I know that will sell. I don't use it anyway and with my neighbors being the way they are I don't think I'll ever be able to use it for recording either.

Well that was the good news, the bad is that we were vandalized again. Over Friday night someone destroyed Sariah's outdoor lights that she put around the house. It seems as though someone is deliberately targeting our house. We called the police and they can't do anything about it. It's funny really. We've lived here for a year surrounded by scumbags and drug dealers and nothing happened to any of our personal belongings. Now that the neighborhood seems to have more people our age or younger living here we are experiencing vandalism. Sariah wants to get security cameras, but we can't afford them. Man am I glad I bought that Alesis because I know that if we had extra money in savings Sariah would have talked me into buying a stupid security camera.

I guess it's safe to say that we are going to move to a new place. Believe it or not I simply do not have space to do with as I wish and really have no desire to fix the house up or add anything to it due to the fact that we will never get our money back for the improvements we make. I don't know if the house will even sell. I mean people are going to be kind of suspicious of people who owned a home for 2 years and then decided to move again. We could build a garage for the car, but that is going to cost money we don't have. I knew that getting a nice car before we lived somewhere nicer would come back to haunt us. I just hope nothing more happens to it.

September 16th , 2004
Tonight is another round of editing with Tom Carlock. I’ll be getting paid again tonight for the 2 hours put in Saturday and the 4 I’ll be putting in tonight. I’m pretty sure I’ll be making around $500 from this project by the time it’s finished. More would be nice, but I can only hope.

Tomorrow is Sariah’s birthday. She will be 28. She never reads this anyway, but…HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SARIAH! I’ll tell her in person too, but I might as well say it here as well.

October 2nd Tim and I will be shooting the bulk of footage for the FCF DVD we are trying to put together. It’s going to suck if we can’t get a decent audio recording of the night, but I don’t really know what to do about that. I’m sure I’ll think of something. . . Maybe….

September 10th , 2004
Man oh man! There is an Alesis HD24 on ebay for $1000! That's the buy now price too! Man if only I had a grand. . . . I'm going to try to talk Sariah into working with me on this, but I doubt she will. I would sell my second Layla if I got this. Comes with all the cables and a remote control too. Man I would love to get this. I think it's going to go fast so I have to see what I can do quickly. I know that I said I was giving up audio, but damn it I can't help it. All I want is equipment that is not going to give me a headache to record with. Stuff that will allow me to get a good sound out of a band unlike what I have now. I'll see about it.

On the FCF front, Sean is putting heavy consideration into recording at Oxide Lounge in Bloomington. I like this idea a lot. We'll see where it goes from here though. I have to spend tomorrow working with Tom Carlock on his hunting video. He thinks it will be finished tomorrow. He'll learn. In other exciting news.....

SOMEONE KEYED OUR BRAND NEW CAR!!!!!

That's right. Some fucking waste of life decided they would make our life even more difficult by keying our Scion. I'm mad, but not furious. I kind of figured something like that would happen in the neighborhood we live in. I think it was the little tramp next door or one of her tramp friends. She's like 15 or 16 so something like keying a car would seem like a cool thing to do. Well fuck that. Once we get the damaged fixed, if I catch anyone near our car I'll fucking take a pick axe to their skull, including 16 year old whores. . . enough of that talk. Who keeps calling me?

September 8th , 2004
Rumors, half-truths and outright lies.

Well last night was the beginning of my on-going work with Tom Carlock to complete his hunting video project. He was a little bitter about Geoff giving up on it and I guess I can't blame him. After all, he went from paying only $10 an hour to $20 an hour! Got in 4 hours last night on the project, but was paid for the first 2 in advance. I meet with him again on Saturday. He is hoping that it will be done by then, but I think he is hoping for more than can be acheived. The initial edits are there, but the scenes still have to be reviewed, tigtened up, graphics, logos, opening and end credits and assorted text all have to be inserted and then it has to be finalized. We've got 2 weekends at the very least to spend on this.

I've got to go to the bathroom.

September 1st , 2004
Well the Alesis is now listed on ebay. I'm hoping it sells and I don't have to re-list it or anything like that. Now after learning that Barnfest is $20 per ticket, I won't be going to that. In more good news it looks like I'll be waiting for 2 weeks to get my new computer at work after all. Thanks to Mac Malls shitty return policy and my bosses pride we have to send back the one that doesn't work, pay an additional $400 (due to the model we purchased being discontinued) and wait two weeks to receive it. We could take the computer we have now to Springfield to be repaired, but Laymon will not allow Apple to repair their own computer under their own warranty so we can have a system ready to run as early as next week. If this is the tightrope Laymon wants to walk then so be it. I'm not going to join him and I've already expressed my concerns and presented the more viable option to him. He scares pretty easy though so we will probably end up doing what I think regardless.

I've talked to a few people about giving up audio and everyone I talk to doesn't seem to be too surprised by my decision....well except those who have benefitted from my generosity. Some of my friends want me to stay with it. Why? I don't do anything but spend money on things I never use. "Well it's your fault that you aren't recording more people". Sure is and that's all the more reason to quit. I don't have a place to track, my equipment is inadequate and I really don't feel like having total strangers running amok in my house. I'm not going to all of a sudden just decide that my situation is good enough and start soliciting my services. I dont' make money from recording and I'm not about to ask those I've told I would record for free to start paying me.

August 29th , 2004
This week is going to be the week of many shoots. We have 3 lined up and all of them are in different towns. My new G5 is still buggy so I don't know how smoothly edits will go this week. The week after this next week is Labor Day weekend. Payne is coming up from Missouri to spend the weekend with us. FCF are playing Barnfest and I think we are all going to go to that and we may end up camping out there, depending on the weather. Oh shit! I've got to tell Payne about that so he can prepare accordingly if he's coming. After realizing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have to get a new mixer I don't know if I'm going to have very much money in the near future to do anything. I still need 8 more channels of I/O for my computer and patch cables. All in all I don't know exactly what it's going to take, but it's going to cost a lot, I do know that. I guess we are going to track drums at Sean's moms after all. That is going to be a nice, frigid time for all if we are actually going to do it in November. I really can't see us doing it in my basement now due to the complaints. . . . . . . . . . Damn, I need a rack!

This past weekend I played poker at Jake's house. There was only 5 of us playing, but we had a good time. Sean's oldest son sat in toward the end and played some really good hands. I was blown away that night, but in retrospect I understood that it was a combination of him not really knowing the game to well and being the new blood at the table that won him so many hands. It came down to head-to-head play between little Sean and I, he sent me all-in on the last hand with a pair on the flop. I ended up winning on the river with a pair of kings. The look on his face was one of complete devastation. I didn't know if he lost a hand before, but the way he looked that night it seemed as though he never had. It was a lot of chips to lose and a pretty bold maneuver for a child (he's only 10, by the way!). I haven't seen bold and smart plays like that ever from people 3 times his age who sit at that table. If he stays with it he could be a really great poker player down the road. I doubt Sean would want his son to become a professional gambler, but if he gets really good, I would support him. Professional poker players make more money than I'll see in a lifetime, so if you are good at it why not take it to the next level? Ah, that's so far into the future that it's not even worth discussing now.

I have to buy a new mixer and then I'll make a decision on whether or not I'm going to stay in the audio engineering business. I have to be able to capture good tracks or I'll never be able to mix them right. It's a complex ordeal. Not only do I need to buy something new to track with, I also need to build a desk to house multiple computer displaymonitors, DAW controllers, preamps, outboard gear, patchbays, near-field monitors and a computer. I've got a lot of money to spend down the road........

............Reading the above paragraphs makes me wonder what the hell I was thinking. Sariah and I were just discussing our financial situation and it seems as though we are pretty much fucked. I have to sell my recording equipment and we will both probably have to get second jobs just to get by. I thought I would eventually grow tired of buying audio equipment and not recording anyone and give up, I have to admit I was pretty well on my way anyway. I guess this is just the push I needed to finally let go. What the fuck am I going to do with my life now? I'm going to list my Alesis mixer on ebay tonight for $250 and then I'll just continue on selling pieces one by one from there.

I guess Sariah gets her wish. Now she'll have her tiki room in the basement and her guest bedroom upstairs. I on the other hand will probably eat a bullet before the end of the year. I hate my life.

August 28th , 2004
Grrrrr.....I've just found learned that either my Layla converter or my Alesis mixer is distorting at certain frequencies. I think it's the mixer because it SUCKS! I thought that the Layla was sending one signal across all 8 channels, but low and behold it was the Alesis doing it. Numerous studies I have conducted over the years have led me to one conclusion:

THE ALESIS STUDIO 32 IS A PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!

I'm selling this bastard off as soon as I get something else. I always said that the Quadrapet tracks were the best sounding tracks I've had to work with and now I'm pretty sure I know why! God damn Alesis!! I'm wondering if I should just buy a bunch of preamps or if I should try a different mixing board. Only time will tell. I think I'm going to continue recording audio, I just have to invest some more money on things of much needed importance. Oh, I bought a power amp/receiver for my monitors today. You can send the signal right to the power section of the receiver so I just do that and bypass all the unecessary preamp/switcher garbage. Not to mention I was getting a wicked hiss when I ran it through the preamp. All I need now is a decent control room/vocal booth/live room and I'll be set!

August 23rd , 2004
Another work week is upon us all. I've got to record voice over stuff today so I'll be there. I was thinking about taking the day off, but then I remembered that I had stuff to do. Also my new G5 arrives at work today so Tim and I will be getting that hooked up. Played poker this weekend and for the first time since I started playing with those guys I didn't win. I actually barely broke even. It was a strange night. I really need to find something to do with my time though. All I do is lay around the house when I don't have anything else to do and that sucks. I need to get started on the basement, but I'm waiting till next month so I'll have money to spare. I don't know exactly when the first payment for our Scion comes out so I'm a little nervous about that too. I'm sure things will be fine, I'm just hoping that my budget calculations are correct and we will be able to afford this new car.

August 18th , 2004
I'm struggling to win a few hands at pokerroom.com because I've been catching cold cards all day. I just won a $900 pot, so that's pretty good I guess. I think in a month or so I'm going to start playing for real money. Maybe. I still have to determine whether or not I can hold my own. I think I can, but you never truly know until your own money is out there. I play a money game with my friends, but it's not enough to get in a huff over. I think with a lot of money on the table I would probably play way too conservatively and end up losing quickly. Also I've never played in an on-line tournament and things are quite different in tournament play because the blinds constantly go up so you can't really spend a lot of time screwing around.

Just took another big pot. Perhaps things are looking up? Perhaps I'm just in a room with a bunch of suckers. I don't know. I'm very curious to give a tournament a try. I'm still kind of in the dark about how to get in to one. I think you have to put up at least $10 real money to be in one. I think after losing $10 I would excuse myself from any notion of poker tournaments for a while if not the rest of my life. I'm not really a gambler so I would be horrible against those who are. I'm really looking forward to our weekly game. I'm really itching for a more frequent game with higher stakes. Perhaps it's because I win so much that I desire this. I'd like to know what I would want if I constantly lost.

Work is pretty much the same. I spent last Saturday in Staunton, IL shooting a damn commercial for a bar down there. I got back in time to play poker at my friend Chad's house and drink some beers. It was nice to relax with my friends after spending all damn day with my boss. He's really starting to piss everyone off at work so I don't know what is going to happen over the next couple of weeks. I think the higher-ups are putting the screws to him and he's freaking out. He hasn't been bothering me too bad, but he's really been laying into Tim. I told Tim that the only reason he does it is because he knows it affects him. Tim said he's going to stop caring, but he won't. I don't think he really can help it. There is a pretty big video project that Geoff (the guy who's job I took, but who is now back working for Cass) started that he told me Monday he wasn't going to work on. Laymon is freaking about that and wanted to know if I would do it. I told him I would do it if Geoff absolutely refused, but that was before Geoff told me that the client wants to dump more footage. I am not going to sacrifice my weekends for nothing. Laymon is probably going to try to force me to do it, but I won't. It's not a Cass project so the company is not going to pay me for my work. If the company doesn't pay me then Laymon can't force me to do it. If by some miracle he talks Donnie into paying overtime to work on this project then I might think about it. I mean, that's a lot of money.

I just took a hit. $800 I think it was. Low end of a full house. How could anyone know until they play it? That's poker, baby!

August 11th , 2004
Wednesday morning and I'm a little frustrated. After getting the cops called on Sean and I by my bitch-ass neighbors for playing our loud music, Sariah and I discovered that our house payments are going up to $515 a month due to US Bank not knowing what the fuck they are doing. When their quoted our monthly payment they didn't factor in insurance, so now our escrow account is off by $690, which we now have to pay back. They have divided the previous years insurance up into our next 12 months of payments, but even after we pay that back our monthly payment is going to go up to $455. GRRRRR!!! On top of all of this I just learned that our car insurance company is trying to get us to pay for a full year of coverage on the Scion over the next 4 months. BULLSHIT! I'm calling Leon Urvin tomorrow to get that shit straightened out. At least the new Rode NT4 I received this last Friday works. I'm sending back the second broken one tomorrow.

This past weekend was the long awaited trip to Current River. It was fun and I had a better time than I did last year, but we only went out one day and ended up leaving early on Sunday. Michael was sick all Saturday night long and couldn't go Sunday morning so we all kind of bailed. Michael and Hartke decided that they weren't going to book anymore 18 mile trips. I decided that I'm going to start probing sooner to find people to go next year. There were only 6 of us this year, but we had more fun than last year despite the fact that this years trip didn't prove to be nearly as chaotic. I was shocked by the overall lack of other campers on the campgrounds we stayed out. There were a lot of people on the river, but not really as many at the campgrounds. It was perplexing at best. Like I said before, it didn't really matter. We had a great time and I'm looking forward to going back next year.

I don't know what we are going to do about our bill situation. I'm sure it will all work out.

August 1st , 2004
Friday night I went to Beardstown and played poker with Jake, Nate Tribble and his girlfriend Mary. I had a lot of fun, drank a lot of beer, smoked way too many cigarettes and drove home drunk with eight or nine extra dollars in my pocket. I told Jake that I was probably going to start sitting out due to constantly winning. He told me not to do that because I was a regular and he liked having me over. Still I don't want people to get sick of playing with me. I guess thinking this way could be perceived as being egotistical, if you are an asshole. I know I would get tired of constantly losing money and start resenting the person taking it all. Perhaps I should just wait for others to tell me they don't want me to play. Maybe I should just go and watch Sariah play one night. . . . .

Saturday consisted of me trying to recover from Friday night. I was going to go to Beardstown and attend Nate's Birthday party at The Central, but I never really ended up feeling better. Besides I hate drinking three nights in a row and I know if I'm going to an FCF show I'll end up drinking. Not to mention the fact that we don't have the money to spend on a night of drinking at the bar. Sariah was with her family all day so I didn't see much of her. Still haven't driven the car yet.

I'm sure that today will be me doing nothing all day and then going to B-town to play poker at Jakes till 2 in the morning. Next weekend is current river. I'd have to say that I'm not as excited as I was earlier in the month, but I'm sure I'll cheer up when we get there. While we're there, we might actually have to get a poker game started! (HA HA HA!!!)

July 26th , 2004
Today Sariah and I bought a 2005 Scion TC. All together it came out to $20,000, but we got an extended warranty package that guarantees bumper to bumper coverage for 75,000 or 6 years. That was worth it as far as I'm concerned. Of course they didn't have the car in today, but said that it will probably arrive tomorrow. The payments are going to be $450 per month, but we split it out into two seperate payments of $226 per month that is automatically pulled from our checking account each month. It allows us to save $1600 and shave 6 months off our term supposedly. All I know is that Sariah and I are happy, but we'll see how long that lasts. Nothing else is going on. Sariah and I have been playing poker with Jake Hill and his girlfriend Lauren, Sean and Jessi Taylor, plus an odd assortment of others every Sunday night for the past three weeks. It's growing on all of us and we all are starting to look forward to Sunday every week now. We have a lot of fun and I would like to continue to do it for as long as everyone is willing. We play the oh-so-popular game of no-limit texas hold-em for real money. Although we play for pennies, nickles and dimes, I've found it easy to take home over $10 in one night. Who knows, maybe one day we'll play for ones, fives and tens, but I highly doubt it.

July 20th , 2004
Things have taken a slight turn for the worse. Sariah just found out tonight that Chordant, or should I say EMI Christian Music Distribution, has ended their second shift and will now only be running one shift. Starting this next Monday, Sariah will have to report to work at 9:30 in the morning and will be taking a 50 cent pay cut due to not receiving night differential pay. She called me from work sort-of panicing and saying she was going to quit, but I don't know what she is going to do really. She could quit or she could decide to stay, all I know is that she was probably just pissed off about finding out about this tonight and perhaps she was making a rash decision. She told me to find out what the minimum we could live on would be because she wanted to take a part-time job if she left Chordant. I don't really like the idea of her taking a part-time job, but then again she has supported me for a great many years in the past and I would be a true asshole to tell her that I wasn't supporting her. It doesn't really matter because I know Sariah and she can't simply not work. It's not in her genes. The most I can say is that I'm glad I'm at a job that I like because if this shit happened while I was at Cingular my mood would be much different.

We had been making plans to get a new vehicle and were making plans to add on a pool and a deck to our home next year, but I don't know if that's going to happen now. I'll just have to see what the future holds. One thing I do know is that this has seriously kicked my plans to buy more studio equipment square in the nuts. I don't know what to do now. I mean I suppose I could just get the Alesis AI-3 and be done with it, but new monitors would be superb. I mean my mixes now are almost complete guesswork and I end up burning a lot of rough mixes to CD to test on multiple systems only to find the results to be hit or miss. I really don't know what I should do. I suppose I could get the AI-3 now and then collect the money from FCF to put toward monitors when it's time to record, but that kind of sucks. I don't know what's going to happen so I'm not going to dwell on anything. Things are getting out of hand in our life and we have to make a push collectively to make things better. I'm afraid everything is going to fall apart before things can even get started.

July 14th , 2004
Today was fairly interesting. It started out boring as hell with me not having anything to do at work, then around lunch time I went to J-Ville and picked up Sariah. My air conditioning in the car kept going out so I decided to get in touch with Michael's dad and get it check out. I went back to Virginia and picked up all the camera equipment (because I had a shoot later in the evening) and went back to J-Ville taking the rest of the day off from work. Got to the shop just to be told that the air conditioning unit was fine and was fully charged. That's nice, but it's not like I missed out on anything interesting at work.

At 6:30 I went to the Easy Street Lounge in J-Ville for round 2 of taping. I figured I would only be there for a few hours, but that quickly turned into 4. I got a lot of the patrons on tape and spent probably a bulk of the time recording the acoustic duo that was performing that night. The Jagermeister girls were at the bar giving out stuff and shots of Jag, but I didn't drink any. Instead of drinking, I had the Jager-girls pose for the camera and one of them uttered the line "come to easy street cause I'm easy". That was nice. I didn't realize it until I got home, but just before all of that I was taping a table full of people who were posing for the camera. It was so dark I could barely see anything, but when I got home and reviewed the tape I found out that one of the girls at the table flashed me....sort of. She had a bra on, but she lifted up her shirt. It probably won't come through very well thanks to SHITTY BAR LIGHTING, but that's okay. The girl who let me videotape her ass during day one was there and was talking to me earlier in the night. I think she wanted to be on camera again. Well if she's there tomorrow night then I will tape her some more, maybe I'll even give her a special assignment (get your minds out of the gutter!)

I found out tonight that Sean had some teeth pulled yesterday because he was in severe pain. I didn't even know he was in pain until today. Hmmmmmmm.........Well it's late and I'm tired. GOOOdnight.

July 14th , 2004
Not much to say today except that Angie, Sariah's sister, had her baby today. It was a girl that she named Ariel. Tomorrow I have to continue shooting a commercial for Easy Street Lounge here in Jacksonville. I'll also be going back Friday night for more Easy Street action. I'm thinking that I'm going to either take some time off tomorrow or Friday so I don't end up with overtime. I'm going to wait until tomorrow night to see just how long I will spend at the bar video taping. I may only be there for a couple of hours, even though I planned on staying for around 4. If I stay for a full 4 hours, then I'm definitely taking off early Friday.

I guess I could comment on Sunday. Sunday night Sariah and I went to B-town, which I didn't want to do this past weekend for fear of spending money (although I ended up blowing $200+ on camping stuff on Saturday). We hooked up with Chad around .......shit, I don't remember. What I do remember was going to Jake's apartment and spending the night drinking and playing Texas hold-em. It was pretty fun, we just needed more chips. After being there for an hour Chris and Tracy showed up then Sean, Jessie and the kids stopped by. It was a regular party....on a Sunday night....with everyone having to work the next day! I had a lot of fun and hope to do it again real soon.

I hear Sariah coming in so I'm going.

July 10th , 2004
Today is Saturday. I'm at home with no plans to do anything and Sariah is getting ready to go to Springfield with her family. My goal this weekend is to spend as little money as possible. I don't know how successful I will be at it, but one can only try. FCF are playing in Danville tonight and I don't know what Damon is doing. I think I will give him a call. I'm surrounded by instruments and recording equipment, but I just don't feel inspired to write anything. My life consists of the spare time of everyone I know. Whenever they aren't doing their thing I hang out with them, otherwise I do absolutely nothing. I feel like I'm trapped in a glass case that says "break in case of party". My own wife wants little to nothing to do with me. I would go to her father's birthday party with her, but if I wanted to sit around all day and do nothing by myself I could just as easily do that at home. Not that I want to spend my weekend at home. I had made plans to finish digging out the driveway to make way for the pool, but yesterday I decided to hold off on the pool since we have no money and we still have a shitload of stuff to buy in preparation for current river. Hey! Maybe that is what I will do today. I will go to Springfield and buy stuff we need for our current river adventure. It is only 3 weeks away (actually it's more like 4, but who's counting). I've got to call Damon. I also need to call Payne and find out what he called about. My mother wants me to help her get a TV out of lay-a-way so that is the first thing I'll be doing today. Hmmmm.......

Chris and Tracy came by yesterday before going to see Spiderman. They said they had to get out of the Irish Toad because there were too many yuppies. I haven't heard that term in a long time. They exclaimed that they didn't know why they just didn't come to my house to begin with. Yeah, I wonder why myself. I told Chris how much Sariah and I make and he was shocked. I don't know why because the point of my story was that I was broke all the time. It doesn't matter how much money we make we are always broke. It's disgusting. Speaking of pay, work has been getting kind of stressfull. I don't know why but some days things are fine and other days they aren't. A lot of it has to do with the way I am around Tim and Laymon. When it's just Laymon and I we get along pretty well. When it's just Tim and I we get along pretty well. When it's Tim, Laymon and I then the sparks start flying. I don't get pissed at Tim, except when he tells Laymon that we don't need a new computer or holds off on selling the JVC, which never gets used anyway. I do however get pissed at Laymon and I don't know why. I mean, he is very annoying sometimes and really doesn't know how to manage anything, but some days he has faith in Tim and I and some days he doesn't. The days he doesn't are the days I get very agitated with him.

My computer at work is for shit. I need a new one and Tim is finally helping that goal get achieved. I don't need a new computer because I want this or that, it's because the old G4 just can't handle the things I want to do while editing. Laymon has been dodging that bullet for a while because of the cost, but with the amount of work we have coming up I can't afford to lose entire edits due to the system crashing and be held back by the extremely long render times of the old G4. I think once we get the new system I'll be much happier at work, mainly because I won't be struggling with the computer to get a commercial finished.

July 3rd , 2004
Last night I spent drinking with Payne and LJ. I don't exactly remember how I got into the car, but Sariah came to pick me up from Beardstown. That was very nice of her. I shouldn't have bailed on LJ, but I was fucking wasted and tired and I knew that I wasn't going to last much longer. I had laid the groundwork for Sariah to come pick my up early in the night, but I knew she wouldn't know how to get to LJ's apartment so I left. I don't know where Payne is now, but I assume he either stayed the night at LJ's or he passed out in the gutter. I don't know how I'm going to get a hold of him since his phone doesn't work in B-town.

I just got back from Springfield where I went with Sariah. I had to abruptly end the first paragraph of this entry due to finding a tick in my hair. Sariah and I got it out and then took care of my hair. I shaved and got a hair cut today so now I look like a real douchebag. We are deciding what to do with the rest of our day. I feel kinda under the weather due to drinking so much last night. I really don't know if I want to drink again tonight, but we will probably end up back in B-town again.

July 1st , 2004
Today is Thursday. More work ahead and no money to work with. Payne is coming to town tomorrow and will be staying the night with me. I don't know about Saturday night, but I'm sure that we'll end up in the same places this weekend. Every weekend is becoming more and more useless and every day is growing shorter and shorter. All I do is come home from work and watch TV. I usually fall asleep while watching TV or retire around 11:00 P.M. It's not because I'm tired, it's just that I have absolutely nothing else to do than sleep. Since all my friends live in Beardstown we really can't spend any time together during the week. I really wish I could find something constructive to do with my time.

Laymon told me yesterday that he might be able to get Mediacom to give me free cable and cable modem service. That will be nice if it happens because that will free up $90 per month in bills. I'm not holding my breath, but you never really know. Oh yeah, I got my mic back a couple days ago. I still haven't tested it, but it's a brand new mic so I'm sure it works. I thought that was very nice of Rode. They definitely have impressed me with their service. I might buy some more Rode mics in the future. I've been eyeballing the NTK for a little while now. Perhaps that will become part of my mic closet, who knows. All I know is that I don't have shit to work with and very little time to waste. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do about recording FCF.

June 26th , 2004
I just got back from Springfield having sat through the movie "Fahrenheit 9/11" with Damon. It was what you would expect from Michael Moore, but what wasn't to be expected was the propaganda being handed out at the theater upon entering and exiting the movie. The theater was packed, so much so that people had to sit in the isle. I felt very odd because I'd never experienced anything like that before. It sort of felt like a protest gathering, but definitely not a movie. Being one who fears large crowds, I was uncomfortable right from the start. I enjoyed the movie, but I felt as though it was a good intention wasted on a bad medium. If you have the internet and have disliked Bush then your not going to be shocked by any of the information Moore presents. I was shocked simply by the number of people clamoring to see it. Also present was local rock icon Jeff Williams of NIL8 and his date for the evening. I don't know why I mention that.

June 19th , 2004
It is 5:59 AM on Saturday, June 19th and I am just waking up. I think I went to sleep at around 10:00 last night, but I'm not exactly sure. Tim and I were going to go to the FCF show last night, but he couldn't get a babysitter (I guess) so I ended up just falling asleep. I never heard back from pale about recording, so I don't know if we will be doing that this weekend or not. Sariah is talking about going to St. Louis today for Summer's B-Day and wanted me to go. The question I have to ask myself is if I would rather sit at home and do nothing or go to this B-Day party. I sent the Rode off Thursday, but I haven't heard from Rode on whether or not they received it. I'm hoping to get a response Monday, if not I think I will contact them instead. Hopefully they will have it back to me before August, if not then I'm going to have to find an alternate method of recording overheads.

This reminds me that I need to purchase an Alesis AI-3 before August as well or all recording of FCF will be put on hiatus. I was really counting on that loan so I could get some nice mic preamps, but it looks like now I'm going to have to wait until I can finance this stuff on my own. I guess it's not that big of a deal really. I don't have a permanent place to record so having equipment isn't going to do me much good. There is a lot of stuff I need to get done to the house, like blowing insulation into the outer walls and putting up insulation in the basement so this winter we don't get hit with another $400+ gas bill. Sariah isn't here, so I assume she did what she said she was going to do and stayed the night with Angie so she could help her with her yard sale. This means I'm probably going to be alone all weekend. . . . . . . . .

June 14th , 2004
Well today is Monday. Pale and I recorded a couple of songs over the weekend and are supposed to work on some more again. I'm sure that the next time we will have more time to work on stuff than this last time. Sean and Jessie came over later on that day and we partied at my house, which doesnt' happen very often so I was thankful for that. I really wish Sean and I could have worked on stuff over the weekend, but things like that just aren't meant to be I guess. Oh yeah, one of my mics isn't working right. The Rode NT4 seems to be experiencing some sort of problems. Only one side of the mic works (it's a stereo mic in case you were wondering). I tried switching the cables and using a battery instead of phantom power, but nothing is working. I guess this means I have to send the mic in for servicing which is going to suck because I don't have any original receipt information. This probably means I'll have to pay for it although it wasn't my fault the mic is screwed up. It's been in it's case for at least 6 months and the last time I used the mic it worked fine.

Well, got to go to work.

June 12th , 2004
Today is the day that pale and I work on his new CD. Yay! I've been looking forward to this for some time. The only real problem is that Sariah's family is coming over to the house today and I don't know how long they are planning on staying here. If they come here and stay for a long time then that is going to really put a cramp on the session. Pale said he wasn't going to get here until around 2:00P.M. and the baby shower that Sariah and her family are going to will be at 3:00. So assuming they spend 2 hours there, that really only gives us 3, maybe 4 hours of recording time before they get here. I might have to contact pale and see if he would want to change locations, but I don't know if he would want to do that or not.

My mother has been passing out for no reason over the past few weeks. She has fallen some times and just recently fell so bad that she broke one of her ribs. She had a catscan performed and they didn't find anything, but the doctors didn't like the fact that she was blacking out with no warning signs. They restricted her from driving for 6 weeks, but told her that if she blacks out again to come back in for another catscan. It's been a real battle trying to keep my mom from driving. I finally had to just take her keys away from her. Which reminds me, I have to take her to work today....

We are still working on getting money for equipment. I don't think I'm going to be able to get the $4000 loan, which I was kind of figuring would happen anyway, but didn't want to totally rule out. In order to effectively record FCF, I'll just need to buy a few more things that won't cost too much. The studio time that FCF won last weekend was only 2 hours and the guy charges $50 an hour to record. Talk about a load of crap. Well this just means we are back to recording in my basement, which means I have to start getting that ready. I have to find a way to dehumidify the basement to get the moisture out, then I have to seal the basement and then put up drywall. It sounds like a lot of work and since I don't know how to do any of it, I guess it's going to be 50/50 on whether or not it actually gets done.

Another small revelation, I hooked my amp back up last night and was playing through it a little bit. I have to figure out why it doesn't sound the way I think it should. Probalby in the next few weeks I'm going to take it to the Luthier shop and have him check it out. Perhaps it's just the cabinet, or maybe it's the guitar. I don't know but it's aggrivating me to death.

June 9th , 2004
I can't believe how sore my whole body is. That just goes to show you how out of shape I am. It's Wednesday and I've pretty much had the past two days off from work. Not by choice, but I guess I needed "rest". I'm going back today and I'll be shooting commercials all day long so that will at least be interesting enough. FCF doesn't have a show this weekend, but I'm not going to get all excited about the possibilities because every time I try to make plans for weekends like those they always blow up in my face and I end up pissed off. Pale will probably want to record this weekend, which is the only thing I'm looking forward to, but fate has pulled him away for the past two weekends so again I'm not getting my hopes up. What else. FCF won a battle of the bands at the VIrginia BBQ last weekend. The prize was $500 and free studio time at some studio I've never heard of. We may end up recording the new cd there, who knows. I had to pass on the mic pre and I'm really starting to wonder if I'll even have the money for new equipment come August. My mom doesn't seem to confident anymore in her ability to get that loan and the way Sariah and I are blasting through money I doubt I'll be able to save anything by that time. I guess time will tell on that front. The only thing that is happening for sure this weekend is Jill's baby shower and someone from Mediacom is coming to setup a digital box at our house. A Mediacom rep told us that they could save us $10 a month if we switched to digital cable, so we did.

Got to go to work now.

June 4th , 2004
I'm getting ready to go to the Virginia BBQ so I can capture some footage for future commercials. Sariah is going to be gone all weekend so I'll be alone. There is a really kick-ass mic pre/compressor on ebay that I want to get, but it's $1200. I really need to find a way to get it because that is a killer deal. It usually runs somewhere over $2800. Alas, I'll probably miss out on it because of my current financial situation. Why couldn't I have found a deal like this a month from now? I've got to call Payne today and talk to him. I would talk to him during the week, but he talks so much that I would run out of minutes. The last time we talked my battery ran out mid call! I like talking to him, but I really hate talking on the phone. Hmmmm.... I really don't know what I'm going to do today. Damon called me yesterday so I guess I could hang out with him today. I just don't know. Mr. pale and I were going to record this weekend, but he had to work. I hope he won't have to work next weekend, but then again I'm starting to wonder whether or not I should record him until I get some better equipment. I mean, the mic preamps I intend to buy are going to make a world of difference to the sound quality of anything I record. Since pale doesn't seem to fond of re-recording things, I think maybe we should hold off until I get some of this equipment. What would be really nice is if I could get that preamp on ebay now. . . . . .

June 2nd , 2004
Here I am, reporting from my desk at 10:21P.M. Today Tim and I got chewed out by our boss over a mistake I made in which footage was recorded over before it was dumped into the computer for editing. It was my fault for not checking the tape before using it, but Laymon also believed that it was partially Tim's fault for not dumping the footage or at least making sure it was labeled so I (or anyone else) would know there was something else on the tape. Tim and I both knew that this was a fuck up, but Laymon laid the drama on pretty thick. Belly-aching about how this makes us look so unprofessional and what not. To this and everything else that was said today, I call bullshit. Before I continue I would like to preface this by mentioning that this lost footage was of a scene that Laymon had crafted from day one and struggled to get shot not because it's what the client wanted, but rather it is what HE wanted to see in the commercial.

Over the past 2 months I've come to learn more and more about my current boss, and the one thing I think stands out the most about him is that he is a liar. From the day I started Laymon always talked about how Cass was different than other companies (like Insight) and how he preferred the down home, roots methods of Cass to those of Insight or Mediacom. This, like many things is was a ruse. Laymon comes from a large corporate background and is accustomed to those ways. He merely says he prefers the smaller setting because it makes him appear less shallow to others who live it. Laymon loves to tout that he doesn't micro-manage the advertising department, but I really don't think he understands what that word means. Corporations conducts micro-management to increase productivity in it's workforce, they do this by implementing a system of procedures based on their own design in which subordinates follow and maintain through the help of management. These systems may have flaws, but on the whole they run remarkably well and in fact allow the corporate office to better control the workflow of their company.

Laymon tries with all of his might to institute order, but knows little about what he manages. In fact, Laymon doesn't really know anything about advertising at all. He's just a salesman, but how a paint salesman ends up being the head of a television advertising department also tells you a little about the executives of Cass Communications. Anyway, Laymon's ignorance of the tasks Tim and I perform is essentially the only thing that keeps him from micro-managing our department, but to be sure if there is an avenue of the department he has knowledge of and control over, you can bet your bottom dollar he is micro-managing the hell out of it. Laymon also touts that he considers us to be a team. Sure, that's just what managers say aloud to make themselves feel like they are part of the team. Laymon proved today that he doesn't consider us a team by the way Tim and I were treated. From the moment he heard about the incident he suddenly felt the dire need to call down to our office and remind us of things that he thought we may have forgotten, you know because if we can't remember to make sure we're not recording over shoots then we must be forgetting everything else to.

It was a sad day today merely due to the fact that I got to not only catch Laymon in a lie, but also I got to hear Laymon explain in very blunt words what the entire advertising department is all about. First off, the lie. Laymon had told me that he had presented a script I had written to a client. The script had to do with Murphy's Law and one of the lines I used in the script was "we break the law". In context with Murphy's Law it seemed fitting, but with a little edge to grab viewers. Well Laymon called me up to his office and told me that the client suggested changes for the commercial; that he didn't want to use "we break the law". I was fine with that and we changed it to "defy Murphy's Law", less punch, but same meaning. I was happy with it until today when I walked into Laymon's office and overheard him pitching the idea to the client....FOR THE FIRST TIME! This means that Laymon was the one who wanted the script change and was willing to deceive me to get it. Petty fucking power politics at work. You would think a "team player" would support your ideas rather than destroy them in a treacherous fashion.

Well Laymon's "team player" role took a permanent vacation today as he sat down with Tim and I and discussed with us how he wanted things to go from now on. In a heated discussion between Tim and Laymon, Laymon made it clear that scenes he scripts are what he wants and that is what is going to be shot. Damn the client, damn the customers, damn Cass Advertising. If it comes from the mind of Laymon then by god it is going on screen. I've never really seen someone as fanatically driven to control as Laymon was today. So down with the ship I go, piloted by a stubbornly proud child who although knowing nothing about advertising maintains that his ideas are what clients want. Like I told Tim, Laymon has the easiest job in the world. Clients don't know what they want and will generally accept any idea because we are in the business of advertising and are supposed to know what we are doing. Laymon makes a big stink about clients signing off on scripts which really doesn't make a bit of difference. The client doesn't know what the fuck they are signing off on, half the time Tim and I don't even know what the hell the scripts are about. The only person who has an idea of what the commercial is going to be is the person who has nothing to do with the shooting or editing of the spot, and so he is the one with the almighty power over the commercial. This, of course is the way it is anywhere. People in power pretending to know things and flaunting their power to achieve their will.

In life, there are no certainties. Try telling that to Laymon Carter; the only man on the planet Earth who sinks his "reputation" on the chance that nothing will ever go wrong. Well, at least that's the way he makes it sound in his speeches. I've always hated managers who treat their subordinates like children simply because they know they can and as far as I'm concerned Laymon should know better than to come down on Tim and I like he did today. We know we fucked up, I know I fucked up and we don't need Laymon's patronizing to remind us of that. I wonder what he'll do the day we go on a shoot and the footage is ruined because of a bad tape? No I don't, I already know. He'll treat the situation as he should have treated today's: a minor setback. Maybe I'm giving him more credit than he deserves. For all I know his nerves might be the reason his pizza business failed because if he goes apeshit like this anytime something bad happens then he's definitely not fit to manage anything. That's the real question though; what is real and what is fake? Laymon is a deceiver, he's a salesman so he has to be. How much of what he says does he honestly believe? I tell you, I would feel much more comfortable in the thought that he's acting rather than learn that he's telling it how it is.

June 1st , 2004
It's 6:22 A.M. and I've lost the second auction for an Alesis AI3 that I could find on ebay. Both losses coming in the final seconds of the auction so there would be no way to outbid. It's the third time it's happened in the past 2 weeks and I'm starting to wonder if ebay members are starting to use bots again. I suppose the next time I bid on it I'm going to have to set my maximum bid to $300, because I don't intend to pay anymore than that for the device. Today is day one of the month of June, I've got to get ready for work. My car is completely out of gas and Sariah and I have little to no money left for the week. I guess it's a good thing I didn't win that auction because we really couldn't afford it right now.

May 31st, 2004
Hmmm... Well let's see what has gone on so far. I've been promoted to full time at Cass Communications, so that is good. I got the 16 channel snake and super huge mic stand I won on ebay and I spent memorial day weekend drinking. I got to see Chickenlab for the first time live last night. They were pretty good, but not exceptional or anything. I think they've got a ways to go on their stage show before they'll really be noticed. I'm still working on getting equipment for the next FCF album. I've purchased a lot of essential components recently and now I think I can get away with recording them again without requiring a $4000 loan, but of course I would much rather get the loan. I've been up in the air about whether I'm going to use the entire 4 grand on mic preamps or if I'm going to split it between a mic pre and a new mic. I think I really need a great vocal mic and the ones I have now just aren't cutting it. However, if I were to get nothing but preamps then I could land 6 really kick-ass preamps. I still don't know. Choices!

May 14th, 2004
Well I did it. www.ihateyourband.com is now mine. I am going to start working on the site over the next couple of weeks and I'm going to arrange to put in on a Cass server. Oooh boy! This should be fun! I also won a bid yesterday for a Horizon 16-ch, 100 ft mic snake. $200 isn't bad at all! That saved me over $100 that I would have had to regularly pay for one of those. Nice! I'm bidding on some Mackie HR824 near-field monitors now. With 5 days left in the bidding, I'm sure I'll get outbid, but maybe I'll get lucky like I did this time and snag them at a cheap price. If I win the next auction then I'm going to lay off it for a while. Well, I also bid on a Furman HDS-6 headphone distribution amp for $150, but I doubt I'll get that. Only time will tell really.

Oh, I'm redesigning this site. It's way too hard to update in it's current form and it would take me longer to clean this site up. I mean I've got pages of stuff that aren't even being used for anything. Yeah, I know that is my lazy-ass fault, but damn it I've got shit going on, ya know! I'm going to search the net and find a forum template that works nice and set that up on the ihateyourband.com site. I really want that site to be heavily based on the forum itself.

Shiznit! Gotta scoot!

May 12th, 2004
Man time really flys. I cannot believe how quickly time has been flying for me lately. It doesn't even seem like 5 days since the last time I posted something. I talked to my mother tonight about signing off on a loan for me. I hate having to go through my mom, but I can't get approved for a loan for 4 grand. I'll be paying the loan back, but I can't get approved for one. That's the breaks, I guess. I'm trying to get things ready for this August. I'm anticipating having all the necessary equipment purchased by that time as well as having the basement ready to go for tracking. If everything works out okay, then I might go ahead and start advertising my studio as a business. Who knows, I might actually make money doing it. I'm not giving up my job at Cass though because I like it way too much. I just wish I made more money, that's all.

I am thinking about getting another domain name. I think it could be really hot, but I have to check to make sure it's not taken first. It's funny to me how there are so many bands out there who are constantly at each others throats. The one place that seems to be a breeding ground for these sort of discussions is the shout box on the Bandemonium site. It sucks, of course because Rob Hansen moderates the thing and removes posts that he deems "unfit" as well as threatens to ban people from the site and what not for airing their grievances. I say let there be an open forum for this kind of stuff. Why not? I think bands airing their personal feelings, unfettered and working together to solve mutual disagreements is much more rewarding and beneficial than having some douchebag try to diffuse the situation because HE thinks it's the right thing to do.

The site? www.ihateyourband.com

The idea is from a t-shirt that Sean wears occasionally. Wouldn't it just make sense though? A forum to allow people to vent their frustration of another band. A open and honest forum dedicated to allowing those who have something to say to say it. Fuck those who would sooner play mother/father and scold or punish others for "misbehaving". If you think this is a good idea, please send me an email telling me so. I want to know if it's worth my money and I would also like to know how many people actually read this bullshit. If you are having trouble figuring out where to send your email, click on the word "contact" on the left side of your screen.

May 7th, 2004
Well it's been a couple days since I last updated this. I know pale and Bluddy were getting anxious for another installment..... :)

Today is Friday and I'm sitting at home again doing nothing. FCF are in Indianapolis playing a show and everyone is either at work or with their kids. It seems like nowadays I really don't have anyone to do anything with. I'm starting to desire companionship in a major way. It's hard for a person like me to meet new people because I'm such an asshole I usually end up pissing people off. I spent years molding myself to the framework of the group that it's hard to break the mold. Either I need to start learning to do things by myself, or I need to expand my friendship base. Both choices seem like an impossible task, so I'll just sit here one more night and play Raven Shield again.

Work is going great. Laymon recently told Tim and I about his past, something he hasn't done in the entire year he has been at Cass. This was the first time Tim had heard the story and was blown away. We both had him pegged as some real uptight conservative with a campy sense of humor. Well....he still has the campiness, but now that he's let us in a little we both feel a bit more comfortable around him. I know I do. I think we are all going to get along great and do some really kick ass work together. Speaking of kick ass, be sure to check out the commercial for Shooter's bar that should be airing pretty soon (that is if you live in Beardstown or Virginia). I don't know if he's going to buy J-Ville airtime from Insight or not, but he should. It's a really great commercial and I would put it right up there with Deb's Racing Fever in quality. We cut two versions of the commercial; both had the same footage, but one had a lot of voice over dialog and the other had barely any. Both versions dialog was done by a girl from Cass named Chris, but the second one sounded very sexy. Laymon and I thought for sure that Dan would love it, but we were wrong. He liked the straight-ahead, all information version. He said the sexy one sounded "too seductive". ??? It's a bar commercial? Why the fuck wouldn't you want a seductive female voice beckoning patrons to your establishment?

Tomorrow is the first time in like a month that Sariah and I will have the weekend to spend with each other. Already people are trying to pull her away to do other things and she is probably going to end up doing it. I let her make those decisions because I like to see if she is really interested in spending time with me or not. The scenario: I drop whatever I'm doing to be with her when she is available, Sariah will do anything, anyone asks her rather than spend time with me. If you were to ask her why, she would say that I didn't tell her that I wanted to spend time with her, which is bullshit. You should have to tell a person you want to spend time with them before they'll want to spend time with you. They should just want to. Ouch!

I don't know why but I've been getting these intense headaches lately. I should probably go to a doctor and find out what is causing them, but I think I would rather not know.

May 3rd, 2004
Just reading from the den of lies otherwise known as the Bandemonium website's shout box tonight. I didn't find V Shaped Mind's break up as astonishing as the idea that Rob, Razor and Ray take credit for V Shaped Mind making it in the first place. Their ego is beginning to eat itself at this point. Everyone knows V Shaped Mind got signed because of Mudvayne and Mudvayne alone. The way the Bandemonium liars make it sound, WQLZ played the song "Monsters" in heavy rotation and you know since so many big time A&R guys not only listen to, but actually follow what WQLZ thinks is hot, they got snatched up. It's a never-ending parade of lies here in central Illinois and with every band chasing a dream (the same dream) you get to hear it all. All the bands in this area are so damned concerned with making it that they forgot what makes music good. Not a one of these local bands are memorable in any way. They all sound alike because they are all playing up to the same market. Well, actually there are two markets here; Metal and Emo. Both markets are similar in the fact that the bands that play these dissimilar styles still only follow the current trends of their chosen genre. No one here is breaking any molds by any means, rather they play follow the leader and hope record labels will be interested in pushing homogenized crap. Here's a lesson folks, labels like to create homogenized crap, not distribute it. If you go to a major label sighting that your band will play what the kids want to hear, then they will most likely turn you away at the door. Why? Because any band that is smart enough to know how to play the system is too smart for the labels to want to invest in. Labels want dumb musicians because dumb musicians don't question the contracts they are given and don't question the motives of the label, they're just happy to be where they are.

I've never cared about V Shaped Mind because I never liked their music. Some people are stupid enough to believe that if you don't like a bands music it is because you are jealous of them. To those people, I would just tell them "have another drink, buddy". V Shaped Mind's "hit" song Monsters always make me say "It's Rob Zombie for the on-the-go business man" or something to that effect. It really did sound too much like what Rob Zombie had already done to death. Anyone who tells me that the verses of Monsters didn't sound anything like the verses of Dragula are either fans in denial or bands who want to impress these fallen stars for support of their band. Oh well. They got what was coming to them eventually. The mediocre nitwits of WQLZ and the boring central Illinois bands will debate the meaningless issues for weeks, but in the end the song remains the same and that song was terrible!

In other news, Sariah and I finally spent some time together tonight. Of course she was tired and hungover and really not in a very good mood, but I got to spend time with her none the less. I guess I was kind of acting a little crazy Friday night at the FCF show in B-town. I got really hammered thanks to several pitchers of Budweiser. I almost knocked over a poorly supported light stand that would have been disastrous if it would have completely fell. I don't remember much about the evening, other than rambling on and on to one of the guys in None Taken. I definitely didn't remember how I got to Sean's house, but at least I didn't drive home drunk and that is the most important thing.

March 22nd, 2004
Ah, Monday. Just another day for me now. I am falling into a slump of inactivity. Tomorrow I'm going to start gathering information about a certain something that I want to work on. It could be a failure or it could be a success, but there is really only one way to find out. I was working on a song for my new one-man recording project, but Vegas locked on me so I'm taking a break. I never realized that Probot, Dave Grohl's metal band, is actually a King of the Hill referrence. That's pretty cool.

I mentioned this in the last paragraph, but I don't think I've explained it. I've spent the past week working on music for something. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it and I'm almost positive it will end up like every other project of mine, but I would really like to think that I could turn it into something. Usually my techno stuff doesn't get any play because the people around here really don't get it. If it's not sweaty and full of testosterone then it's not worth listening to. Bah, I like a wide variety of music so I create a wide variety. This is just one of the many musical interests I have. I let pale listen to it and he liked it and wanted to be involved. Chris also listened to some of it and said he wanted to be involved, but he never comes to my house and is really never free on the weekends so I just expect him to not be a part of it. That's the thing about Chris that annoys me the most I think. He always want's to be a part of everything, but if you aren't bringing it right to his front door then he won't do it. He gets upset because he gets left out. Well people get real tired of having to make special arrangements for people who only want to do stuff if it fits in their own time schedule. Chris is outnumbered in this respect because I would rather get things done then wait around for him to find time to come over.

Uh...Let's see. FCF are still writing songs for the new CD so that's on hold for the moment. I am working on this techno stuff and pale is working on PDN stuff as well (or so he told me over the weekend). Sean, pale and I will probably get together this weekend and fuck around. I personally would like to finish another Allen song (or two), but I don't want to get my hopes up. . .

March 19th, 2004
Have you ever had the nagging feeling that you made a mistake, but just aren't sure yet. You anticipate the full weight of the mistake before you even know if it was a mistake or not. I am kind of in that frame of mind right now following my second interview with Midwest Cellular. Why do I feel so odd, well because I might get the job, that's why. So why am I not happy? It's a sales position for starters, meaning if I want to stay employed I have to meet sales quotas. It goes deeper than that, however. See the base salary is shit so I'll really only be making money off of commission, which means I'll have to exceed quotas just to make a decent check. I'm naturally lazy at heart, so the thought of having to try that hard to make money seems like one that I couldn't invest myself into, especially since I really am not a big fan of money. I'm kind of crazy in that way I suppose. The rest of the world is looking for ways to make more and more money and buy more and more stuff. I simply wish to exist and be at peace. I want to record bands for a living, but not have to worry every single day about the business end of things. Well anyway, If they call me back then I'll find out the absolutes of the job. Maybe it will be right up my alley, maybe it won't be. I don't really know for sure if I'm cut out to do this kind of work, but I guess it's worth a try. Perhaps if I make a lot of money at it then I can save up a lot of dough and help my mom start her business. It's not the most desirable of goals since it's so open-ended. I guess you could say I'm a bit scared because I feel like I've talked myself into a situation I can't get out of. Why would I want to get out of it? Perhaps it's because I don't think I'll do the job and in the end I'll just end up losing it because I'm not dedicated. It's funny really because I can feed anyone a strong dose of bullshit, but in the end I can't back-up my own statements. That's why it's hard for me to sell me because I know the way I am. It's not that I consider myself a failure, I'm just not committed to doing someone elses work (which is what I perceive every single job on this planet to be).

March 16th, 2004
I woke up this morning to a message from Kelly Services regarding a independent sales position in central Illinois for some internet telephone thing. The base pay is $30,000 a year + commission, so that's not bad, but I really dont' think I'll get the job, but I'll do whatever interviews and whatnot that they want. I bought a new chair for the computer room yesterday, but I haven't assembled it yet. I should have just had the store do it. Oh well, it's my problem now. I think I'm starting to lose hope in my chances of getting another job. Not that I'm broken hearted over it, but it just sucks not making any money. All I need is just a little more money to finish the basement, closet and bedroom and I'll be ready. The basement will basically be the hardest part if you ask me because we are planning to build walls from scratch. That reminds me, I have to get down there and start measuring so I can work on the floor plans. I have an idea about adding stairs onto the side of my house that come up to the bedroom where my control room will be, but this is all stuff that is going to require money and lots of it. In other words, it's not something I'm going to be focusing on now.

FCF want to start recording soon. I want to mess around with Allen a little more so I can make sure that recording in my basement will be adequate. It's important to me to make this next FCF recording great because I need it for my resume. I'm going to hit the scene full blast before long. I just need a few more CDs to my credit and a respectable looking place to record. I'm currently listening to paledarknothing. It's a song on The Candy Snatcher EP, but I dont' know which one because I don't have the case nearby. I'm really hoping pale gets back into the groove of writing because his stuff is really good. I really wish he would re-record some of his older stuff. It would be a good way for him to get more comfortable with working with others and I think it would benefit me in the aspect that I would be recording something other than heavy rock (which does get very boring!).

Allen is coming along. Sean and I tried writing a new song last weekend, but we didn't get very far. I think we came up with two parts and one of them isn't that good. I really want to make the Allen project come alive. Why not? What the hell else am I going to do with all my time?

March 12th, 2004
I went to both interviews and it looks as though I'm not getting the job at Horace Mann, but the interview for Midwest Cellular went a little better. They want to schedule a second interview with me so I'm now waiting for that. The bad thing about that job is that I will have to shave. No more beard for yours truly I suppose. I don't know any other details than that so I'm hoping they will explain more to me at the second interview. Unless she told me I would have a second interview because that's what they tell everyone if they don't hire them. Oh well, at least I would get to keep my beard.

I'm waiting to hear back from Sean about this weekend. We may get back together and begin work on a third Allen song. I hope so, I'm tired of doing virtually nothing. I’ve been downloading a lot of indie rock stuff. Here is a list of some bands I’ve been downloading songs from.

-And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead
-At the Drive In
-Azure Ray
-Bikini Kill
-Bratmobile
-Computer Cougar
-Dame -Death Cab for Cutie
-Death of Marat
-Drive like Jehu
-Elefant
-Low Skies
-Mercury Rev
-Metric
-Neurosis -Pilot to Gunner
-Pretty Girls Make Graves
-Racebannon
-Sleater Kinney
-Sparks
-Sparta
-Sweep the Leg Johnny (Awesome name!) -The 1985
-The Beatings
-The Black Heart Procession
-The Dismemberment Plan
-The Rondelles
-The Stratford 4
-Yo La Tengo

March 9th, 2004
It'sTuesday and I just woke up after a long night of working on guitar tracks. In two days I have an interview at Horrace Mann and the day after that I have an interview at Midwest Cellular. I don't know which job I'll get, but I'm sure I'll walk away with one of them. I'm really not sure if I want to go back to telephone customer service. Although I could tolerate the job, it's not as though it was the greatest job ever and I really am unsure if I could go back to doing it all the time. There is another factor that plays into all of this. During my stint at Cingular I really let myself go physically. I can't believe how out of shape I've become not to mention the amount of weight I've gained. I know if I go back to that sort of job the routine will follow and I'll just continue down "heart attack path." I was thinking about passing on the Horace Mann job altogether and just taking the Midwest Cellular job. Sure it's sales and I don't know if I would even like it, but I would be a little more physically motivated at least.

It will be nice to get another job that pays well because then I can kick my renovation of the basement into high gear. I really sincerely hope that things work out so this process can begin soon. If I am able to get done what I want done within the next few months then I really don't see any reason why I couldn't start recording FCF soon. Why not? I don't think anyone really liked the idea of going back to Sean's mothers house to record the drum tracks so my basement will work great. Now that I've at least tested what a recording would sound like in the basement I am confident that I could do the FCF album down there and it would sound great. Once everything is set up proper I think I could actually use my house as a studio, but only time will tell in that regard.

Huh! I just got a $454.71 check from Cingular in the mail. I guess I really did get paid for my remaining vacation time. I thought they kept that shit once you quit. Hmmm. This is nice.

March 1st, 2004
Well It's the first of March and I still haven't had any luck in finding a job. I'm sure I'll get one within the month, but with the economy the way it is it's really hard to predict anything . I'm hoping that I don't have to wait too long to find one because there are a lot of things I would like to do and they all require money and lots of it. Hmmmm... This weekend Sean, pale and myself got together and recorded some stuff. Well, actually Sean and I re-worked some old Allen stuff and recorded it and then pale and Sean re-worked one of his songs then we just screwed around for a while. It was fun and it allowed me the chance to test out my basement as a recording/rehearsal space. It works, and works well. I'm happy about that because that will greatly benefit me in the future. I need to get a job so I can save up some money and convert the basement into a fully-functional studio space. I'm going to run cabling from my computer room to the basement that way I can get sounds without having to jump through a lot of unecessary hoops. It will be great if I can get it to work, yet again it's going to require money.