Day 3 pt 2
Friday, January 27, 2012, 04:22 PM
Watching Cocaine Cowboys 2 just after finishing Cocaine Cowboys. Interesting documentaries for sure. I'm waiting for Sariah to get off so I can watch the Tim & Eric Billion Dollar Movie. Might have found Tom's replacement. I'm just waiting to hear back from him at this point. If he doesn't do it, then it's back to the drawing board. We've already agreed to $1 more an hour than we originally started with and that's the end of negotiations. If we can't find anyone for the amount we're wanting to pay, then I need to make a hell of a lot more money myself.
I know now that if I left, I could shut down the entire advertising department. They couldn't find anyone who could do as much as I do for the company for as little as I agreed to. I'm starting to really question the company pension plan though. I think I need clarification on the payout of that money. After the government takes it's cut, I'd like to know what I'll be left with. I know I bounce back and forth on this point, but it's really starting to interest me now. I'm also going to start putting together materials for my Starfish Prime website.
I think the safest way to making money outside of the Cass for me is to hire myself out as a consultant to organizations interested in multimedia. Whether it is live production, web streaming, security, teleconferencing, etc. I have experience in all of these fields and can really help companies save money in the acquisition of their multimedia needs. Hell, if 28 Productions would have hired me for these services a long time ago, I could have saved them multiple thousands of dollars.
I look at it as a gentle nudge. I'll create my website, promote it a bit on Linkedin and other sites and definitely take advantage of the connections I'm making through Bonni and the JREDC. I can't imagine that meeting the heads of all these different local businesses and not managing to pull some sort of money out of the exchange. Again, we'll see how things play out over time.
Gotta go pick up some shit for Sariah.
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( 0 / 0 )Day 3
Friday, January 27, 2012, 07:27 AM
I've been real chatty these past couple of days. Of course this usually happens after I make a change. I'm sure in a couple of weeks I won't be posting quite as much. I especially won't be posting as much if I actually get rid of the internet at home. I keep thinking about going to Frontier, but I would locked into a contract if I did and doing so wouldn't give me the upload speed I would need to do a live show. I was going to cancel my internet today, but the Tim and Eric Billion Dollar Movie is available on demand, so I think I'm going to watch that, then I'll get rid of the internet, lol!
I need to find out if I can get it through PSN. If I can, I might be able to record it. I'll hook it up tonight and see. If not, no big deal. Also, this morning I officially closed my JTV account. I hope no one was interested in the highlight clips because they're gone now. I told Sariah last night that I needed to get rid of all my beer glasses and she thought I should just keep them. I told her that they really only have one use and that's for drinking beer. She said that she would use them for other things, but I don't want to have constant visual reminders of beer all around me. This weekend the bottle collection goes in the attic, the glasses get boxed up and all of the remaining beer boxes and 6-pack containers in the house go out to the garbage (including the ones I meticulously cut out and stapled to my office wall!).
The amount of time, money and effort I dedicated to drinking is astonishing to me. I wish I has something else in my life that motivated me to action the same way drinking did, but have a positive effect on my life. I'm sure I'll eventually find something, but for right now, I need to cleanse myself of all things beer. In about 45 minutes I have to meet up in Laymon's office to do another interview. After that, I was planning on breaking down most of the stuff in my office, cleaning up and rearranging everything, but I don't think that's honestly going to happen because I doubt I'll get out of Laymon's office before noon and I have to take Sariah into work at 3PM. I can't do all of that in what amounts to 2 hours, realistically.
I'll probably get Windows installed on that new PC after I'm done with the interview. I think I can do that in 2 hours and it will be one less thing to get done on Monday. I still need to bring the monitor in from my car. I'll do that after the meeting as well. Hoo Hoo! One other thing, I've been thinking about getting a portable SiriusXM unit and start walking in the morning again. Not drinking means I don't need to stay up until all hours of the night, so I can get to sleep and wake up earlier. My goal is to get back to walking at 6 in the morning for an hour. I was going to just bust out the old ipod for that, but I'm really tired of listening to the music I've got. It's going to be a bit pricey, but I think the portable SiriusXM device will really help out in getting me back on track with the morning walks.
I got to go now. More later...probably.
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( 0 / 0 )Day 2 pt 2
Thursday, January 26, 2012, 07:57 PM
Today I just realized that I have a shitload of beer glasses that I need to get rid of. I'm sure a lot of people would tell me to just keep them and in reality I probably will, but I've definitely got to box them up and get them out of my kitchen. The only thing they are right now is a constant reminder of beer and I would never use them for anything other than beer. It would be a true testament to my desire to quit for good, so I think getting rid of them is going to be the best thing overall. I'm just not going to be happy about it.
After spending an hour over at work putting together a new PC, I came home and started preparing chicken lasagna. It takes me a while to make it because I don't grill the chicken in advance and that is definitely the longest step in the process. From starting prep to the lasagna coming out of the oven, it took a little under 2 hours; one hour of which was spent in the oven. When I was done, I realized I had enough leftover chicken, marinara and ricotta to make another smaller lasagna, so I did.
Wanting to stay occupied, I did all my dishes and cleaned the stove top, went to Hardees to get an iced tea and then came home to eat a little of the lasagna. Sariah liked it, but said there wasn't enough of a tomato flavor in it. That was because I ended up with way too much chicken this time. Next time I'm only going to make half as much chicken, which will also reduce prep time. I've been making so much chicken lately that it seems like all I eat is chicken anymore. That's not true, but it just seems that way.
I regularly make Chicken and rice and now I find myself making chicken lasagna quite a bit too. I do have a bunch of pork chops in fridge that I'll make tomorrow. I don't really know what I'm going to do with them, but I guess I can figure that out tonight. I honestly don't know why I keep saying I'm going to get rid of the internet when I just know that I can't live without it. I'll give it a shot, but I guarantee I'll figure out some way to get back online within a week.
I posted on Facebook today that Drinkin' Beer was done. Depending on the internet situation, I may start a new live show, just not about drinking beer. I've been looking into Frontier for internet service, but I just don't think the upload speeds available will work for my needs. I'll see if I can just keep my internet the way it is an drop my cable, but if I'm still paying close to $100, then I'm not going to bother. I would like to continue doing a live show, but I also need to get out of debt, so it's a toss up.
I'm worn out and I really haven't done anything. I'm desperately out of shape. I was thinking about taking the dogs out for a walk after I digested my food, but now I just feel like going to bed. I don't even want to think about trying to take the tree down tonight. This is going to be a slow start, I guess.
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( 0 / 0 )Day 2
Thursday, January 26, 2012, 07:21 AM
Second day of my big change. I know I said I wasn't going to be posting much online anymore, but I forgot that I have internet at work. Tomorrow I shut down my JTV account. I've posted my last post to my Drinkin' Beer site, but won't shut that down. I'll leave that up until my domain name expires. Since I have a big mouth, one of the things I'll most likely do is start documenting my sobriety. I really need to get the creative elements of my life focused on the positive aspects rather than the negative.
Why can't I do anything fun or creative without a beer? Well, I have to believe it's because I've conditioned myself for years to associate these things with drinking. There's no reason why I can't do these things without having to rely on alcohol as a crutch. Sure, I'm more talkative after a few beers, but for me that really only matters with regards to the live show and playing multiplayer games online. I don't play FPS games online anymore and after I shut down my internet and cable, I won't be able to do my show anymore. My only creative outlet going forward will be making videos and uploading them to YouTube from work.
I think a series of videos focusing on my road to recovery would be a beneficial exercise in breaking my negative conditioning as well as giving me a record of my journey alone the way so I can reflect back on the challenges I've faced along the path and hopefully use that knowledge to avoid obstacles in the future. I woulds say that without the internet I would have absolutely nothing to do with my time, but that's simply not true. I have an entire house full of junk that I could go through and organize. We're coming up on 9 years in that house and we've collected a lot of shit over the years. It's time for most of it to go.
The real question in my mind is what to do with the bottle collection. One of the first things I need to do is box up the remaining bottles still in the curio cabinet and get them upstairs. The thing is, I have no reason to keep these things anymore. Beer bottles aren't particularly valuable and right now their taking up a lot of space in the house. Sure, I've hidden them away in the stairway to our attic, but these boxes are nearly stacked to the ceiling at this point. It's nearly a 4x4x6 column of boxes.
I need to detach myself from them because a day may come where Sariah and I decide to move out and sell the house. I know I've discussed moving to Virginia in the past few months, but financially it's going to be easier for us to stick it out in Jville for a while longer. If the neighborhood starts to get as bad as it was a couple of years ago, I won't hesitate to move. Our safety is more important than money. For right now, it's crunch time! After next week I'll have $550 a month to put toward the repayment of bills. That's going to really help us get our debt level down fast. If we can hold fast to that number, we should be completely out of credit card debt by this time next year.
The final hold-out debt is a big one ($7000). That will be the last thing I knock out, but it will probably take the remainder of 2014 to accomplish. Beyond that, I'm going to follow the Dave Ramsey plan. I know I talked a lot of shit about his program before, but I was finally swayed by the notion that I could retire a millionaire making less than what I'm making now till the time I retire. With proper investment into mutual funds, IRA's, 401k, company pension and the lot, my money could start making more money than I make. That's an attractive concept and I want to work toward that.
I haven't had much of an opportunity to travel or do much of anything due to not having any money to do it. I refuse to borrow money just to go on a vacation and moreover I don't intend to eat up our entire savings to do it either. The way I look at it is simple; If I don't have the money to afford a vacation, I haven't really earned that vacation. I'm not big on money or anything, but having the ability to go on a vacation with Sariah and not worry about it breaking us financially would give me some peace of mind.
Still, there are a lot of improvements I need to make to my health before I'll be able to truly enjoy a vacation. There's nothing more despicable than a person who goes on a vacation, but spends all their time in a hotel. Truth be told, I've let myself become a slob over the past few years and it more than shows. I have zero energy and negative desire to do anything active. Like I told Sariah earlier this week, even the suggestion of going to a museum and walking around for an hour is a physically taxing experience for me. That shit has to stop now!
Why I gained so much weight since 2007 has puzzled me for the longest time. Sariah does a lot of dumb stuff, but she has the ability to see things that I can't see or better yet, don't want to admit. When you take into account that since late 2007 my alcohol consumption overall has skyrocketed, my alcohol of choice is beer, my beer of choice is always heavier craft beers and I drink as much as 2 sometimes 3 people on average, I suppose it's easy to understand where the weight came from.
Seriously! I don't eat that much, but what I'm not eating I'm more than making up for in beer calories. I truly believe that by simply not drinking, keeping my current eating habits and reintroducing morning walks into my daily routine, I should begin dropping weight immediately. The best part is that I should have no problem keeping it off, even if I lax on exercise. There are so many positive elements to consider when it comes to quitting that I simply don't have a reason, good or bad, to continue.
I'm putting too much immediate thought into all of this. I need to get back to work. Besides, I've got the rest of my life to think about this stuff.
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( 0 / 0 )The end of Drinkin' Beer.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012, 10:56 AM
I haven't posted here in a long time. I probably won't be posting here much anymore though. I'm killing off Drinkin' Beer as a whole. No more episodes, no more live show, no more site. Pretty soon, no more cable or internet, for that matter. I'm purging this shit from my life so I can get back on track to repairing the damage I've done to myself over the years. I started to feel better at the end of the month I took off from drinking, yet I once again convinced myself that I could maintain control and threw myself right back into drinking. It hasn't taken long for me to get right back to drinking every single night again. I've fucking had it!
So, what changed in the past couple of days? Nothing really. It's not like Sariah and I had a fight or anything or she threatened to leave me. It's nothing really personal or dramatic. I'm just sick and tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of spending my entire life at home drinking. I need to get motivated, get back in shape and get on with living my life. I'm tired of being a functional alcoholic. I have no life and make no effort to change that fact. I swear sometimes that I'd rather just end my life now than spend the rest of it living the way I have been.
I'm not fishing for sympathy or pity. It's time to get tough on myself and really do what needs to be done to pull myself out of this god damn slump once and for all. I don't care about moving to a metropolitan city. I don't care about finding another job. I don't even care about living in the moment. I just want to enjoy living again. Like all the obstacles in my life, I have to find the way around this one on my own. I don't know if I'll succeed, but I still need to try.
I really don't know when I'm shutting my cable and internet down. It might be this week or next. I can't help that fact. I'm disgusted with paying $150 a month for that shit. I simply don't care. Cable should not cost $100 a month! I would go back to just having internet alone, but I really need to break free of those bonds as well. I used to create all the time, but the more exposure I had to the world, the less I created. With all the talent I have it just seems like such a waste to sit on my hands and do nothing.
You could argue that Drinkin' Beer and Drinkin' Beer Live were and extension of my creativity. To a certain degree, they were. Unfortunately I stopped being creative with it a while ago and have been coasting on autopilot for some time now. Not to mention, I can't keep doing a show about beer when I'm quitting now can I? I was on the wagon for a month and became very reluctant to jump off once that month was up. Had I not already made plans to return, I would certainly have quit for good. Now is my chance to prove the legitimacy of that claim.
2012 is the year I begin to shape my new future. Hopefully, my days of self-destructing will stay behind me. Only time will tell.
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( 0 / 0 )What was the point?
Thursday, December 22, 2011, 03:35 PM
I found out today that the commercial I shot that had me setting up a dolly track out in the rain and ultimately led to the firing of Tom is not acceptable. Now, I have to photoshop numbers in a crowd of people...despite the fact that they are just going to look like numbers in a crowd of people. I'm not even going to discuss the reason he doesn't like the commercial because it's just a matter of opinion.
Had I told Laymon on the phone that day that I couldn't pull off what he was asking me to do, many things would be different right now.
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( 3 / 51 )Choose wisely!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011, 07:18 AM
Sariah's sister Angie is in town, so for the next two weeks I won't be seeing much of her. I think I'm more focused than ever on getting my debt paid off next year. I say get my debt paid off next year, but I'll still have my CitiFinancial loan to deal with and that's like seven grand, so chances are I'll still be with Cass well into my 9th year. I had talked about moving to Virginia quite a bit, but deep inside I know that is the wrong move. Were my boss to announce tomorrow that he was retiring, my feelings on the matter would change, but I know that's not going to happen. They will literally have to throw him out of this place and that's not going to happen. Regardless of the fact that he has lost his entire staff once (with the exception of me) and pretty much stands to have history repeat itself, he continues to remain a department head.
If I could round up 90 clients and produce one spot for each client per year at $350 per spot, I could get by on that. To be honest, I don't even think I've worked with that many different clients in the entire time I've been at my job, let alone actually do a commercial for them every year. I'd have to offset that figure somehow if I were to go out on my own. Yes, the idea of launching Starfish Prime is still on the table for next year, but due to recent financial assistance related issues and a year of hunkering down and paying off credit card debt to face, I'm not going to have much to invest in equipment needs.
Assuming I can stay on track with this, mid to late 2013 is when I can finally move on in comfort and I intend to do just that. It's been a week since I last talked to Tom face to face and for the most part I was just happy to be rid of him at work. He wants to meet with me some time for lunch and I've been putting off telling him whether or not I would. I used to feel the way he did about working here, but I got over myself because for the most part I was the cause of many of my problems. I'm glad I went through that change because it's helped me recognize the importance of many things I used to simply take for granted. Tom always wanted to operate as an independent, so now he has that opportunity.
I wish him the best of luck, but at the same time I don't. He didn't really learn much in the 3 years he worked here and is ignorant about a great many things when it comes to video production. Still, he's got that salesman swagger to him that will get his foot into many doors. Unfortunately for him, he's so headstrong that he botches most everything he tries to do because he refuses to relinquish control. You can't get by in this world hording all the glory for yourself. I'll probably end up going out to lunch with him though. It's not I'm personally hurt by his actions or anything. My job is my job whether he's there or not. If anything, I envy him for getting out. He did it in a childish manner, but at least he's out.
The day I leave this company, I will never be invited back in. I know that for a fact. Actually, I don't even know if they hire people back at all. I guess it has a lot to do with the circumstances in which you left and how well you did while you were here. The thing is, no one wants to come back to this job because they know my boss is still here and they'd be returning to the same issues that caused them to leave in the first place. My boss will be the reason I leave when I do. No one will understand why I left since I've been here for so long, but that's only because they've never worked for my boss. We've had our ups and downs, but it's just getting back to a point where he's needling me every single day because he doesn't have anything to do.
Once we get someone new in here and I get them trained, I'm sure he'll get back into the field and stop bothering me all the time...at least I hope he does. If I can sail through 2012, I'll be a happy, happy guy!
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( 2.9 / 49 )That's one way to get to Austin!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011, 03:12 PM
I fired Tom today. Despite the fact that I'm now the only one left in production again (for the 3rd time in 4 years!), I feel as though a great weight has been lifted. I've never had a problem with the guy on a personal level and still don't, but I have no respect for him. He made his choice and I'm pretty sure he's not going to beat himself up over the decision. He had pretty much made up his mind about moving to Austin, it was just a matter of time as far as I was concerned.
So, back to finding a replacement for Tim again..lol! I actually sent Tim a message today asking him if he wanted his old job back, even though I knew his answer would be no. Once you're free of this place, one would be hard pressed to return. It's not that bad of a place if you're driven and not afraid of a little confrontation, but if I found another job that could compete with this one, I would leave in a heartbeat. No question! There's only so many times you can change a grown man's diapers before you accept that you have a shit job.
I'm going to contact Ryan, one of the camera ops I use for CCCW, to see if he can come on part-time or on a temporary basis until we can fill the position. No guarantee he'll be down for that, but it's a foot in the door he originally wanted to open, so who knows. I'm trying to type an email now, but feel myself bogging the entire thing down with drivel. I jut want to make sure the next person who works with me is a competent person who is capable of problem-solving and thinking on their feet.
The next few weeks are going to be rough for me as there is a lot of stuff still out there that needs to be completed, not to mention the work still coming in and the work we have yet to start. It's all on me now for the time being, but this is ain't my first rodeo, for sure.
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( 3 / 57 )Hate is therapeutic.
Monday, December 12, 2011, 05:39 PM
I posted the debut episode of Facebook Stories to Facebook today. Within exactly 60 seconds the girl who posted that drivel commented on how much of an asshole I was and then proceeded to engage in a private chat, chastising me for "making fun of her personal life".
Upon experiencing this, I was filled with a sensation I haven't felt in many years...EXHILARATION! My job has dulled my senses and really turned me soft. I've been afraid to unleash my claws for so long that it feels really, really good to let those fuckers out!
The only thing that really sucks about this is that I lost her as a Facebook friend. I kind of killed the golden goose, in a way. There's no telling how long I could have mined that treasure trove of blatant stupidity! I wish now that I would have saved her private chat log with me because that shit was just as hilarious as the post. I'm mean that way. :(
There's always this urge I get to explain my actions like it is even needed. That's a byproduct of work though. If anything, I think I helped this dumb bitch learn a valuable lesson about social networks and life in general. That's a joke, of course. I have no sympathy for people like that.
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( 3 / 63 )Long week....
Friday, December 9, 2011, 10:49 AM
Another show tonight...I'm glad this week is over. It feels like it's just taken forever to get through. This was review week so I've been a little on edge. Everything went well, but overall I'm having difficulties with the structure of things and the overall impact this job has on my life. On the great scale, my job is overpowering all else in my life. Perhaps in the future I'll start to see a balance. Who knows...
Sariah has been working a shitty schedule this week as well. Having to make my commute to work and back twice a day is becoming a real hassle. I'm seriously considering buying another car just so I don't have to deal with the bullshit anymore. I saw that there was a house for rent in Virginia, but they want nearly $500 a month in rent. Not to mention the fact that moving to Virginia now will have a drastic impact on my future plans with live streaming HS bball games.
I broke hard from Skyrim and haven't actually played it in nearly a week. I need to just finish the game and move on. I also downloaded Xenogears and have been playing that a little. I forgot how much that game relied on the story and dialog to carry it. If you already know the story like I do, it's really a dull game to play. I guess I was much more open-minded to confusing stories and horrible translation back in the late 90's.
I'm not totally committed to this right now. Too hungry to think....
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( 2.9 / 58 )Next
